


Alternate (Phan)

by MySecretsX



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 64
Words: 72,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MySecretsX/pseuds/MySecretsX
Summary: COMPLETE***'He should have listened.'In an alternate universe, the world is corrupt. Everything is going wrong. Everything has collapsed. There is nonstop war. Everything is wrong and nothing can stop it.But how will the internet power couple Dan and Phil meet in this place?Is it worth the risks, even their lives?(publishing from Wattpad the whole story will be here soon.)
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. *Train Wreck

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome.
> 
> 'He should have listened.'  
> In an alternate universe, the world is corrupt. Everything is going wrong. Everything has collapsed. There is nonstop war. Everything is wrong and nothing can stop it.  
> But how will the internet power couple Dan and Phil meet in this place?  
> Is it worth the risks, even their lives?
> 
> Trigger warning throughout for suicide, depression and abuse.
> 
> Please read safely.

****

**Dan**

I held my breath as I stood on the edge. I lost all hope, everything was wrong. I hoped that a version of me was happy in an alternate universe, but this version of me wasn't. This version of me didn't have a family. This version of me had caused _so much_ suffering to other families. This version of me had made some _stupid_ decisions.

Maybe it was down to circumstances and if there wasn't an ongoing war for the last fifteen years, I wouldn't be in this position. I would have been raised happily by my family. I wouldn't have turned the gun on them and left by age thirteen.

I could have had a girlfriend, not a family yet since I'm only eighteen. But something. _Something_ in this mess of a world.

I never bothered to learn how this war started, it doesn't matter because if you're alive right now, that's your only aim: to stay alive. Why? Nobody knows. I don't see the point.

That's why I'm here.

I'm at Manchester train station sitting on the edge of the tracks. I'd liked to have hoped that in an alternate universe, this would have been used by hundreds of people a day. But, instead, there's a desolate depressed teenager who's sitting on the platform. This one's still in use. I don't know if it's for transporting weapons or drugs. Either way, I don't care.

I heard the tracks rumble.

_Not long now, Dan._

When I left when I was thirteen, I took a job in the sub military. The military is the one that's actually fighting and keeping order across the world. The sub military, aka submil, is the one that 'keeps order' within the country for its citizens. 

That's what they taught me, that's what I believed.

I soon came to realise that it was just a service controlled by a rich bastard who was psychopathic and wanted any control he could get.

It was a hard leave, but I made it out. Mainly because I pulled a stunt of fake hanging myself to get out.

I was out by age seventeen, just over a year ago. Since then, I've been working with technology and social outerweb. Technology has improved massively because of the war, we have technology we wouldn't have even dreamt about twenty years ago.

I bet there's a universe out there where I'm a farmer. Poor universe. Although, I'd still switch.

You don't have jobs here. You survive on what you can find and/or harvest yourself. If you work in a service like the military or submil, they have their own management and farming solutions, so you basically survive for your service.

To keep myself busy, I started broadcasting myself on WeTube.

There are different people on it, from survivalists sharing their skills, to extremists who try and take as many risks as possible before dying, to activists, which explains itself, to what I do, comedy.

Okay, it sounds crappy! I get that, but I kind of hoped that by posting completely off-topic videos to what the current world's situation was, I'd help distract people. I just wanted people to keep going, find some sort of happiness of love, etc.

A lot of people deserve it, but not me.

That's why I'm here.

_That's the train. That's my suicide approaching._

I smiled.

_Ten._

I drummed my fingers against the concrete platform.

What is the point in this world? Why would I be existing just to survive? Surely fate would have kicked in by now? My mum always told me to live for love, that's how she survived. But I've found nobody, and myself isn't enough.

_Nine._

I just wished I learnt what went wrong with the world, I should've learnt when I wasn't facing my own death. It was something to do with politics.

_Eight._

Fucking hell, this is taking forever. I started to shake my feet to get myself hyped.

_Seven._

My followers on WeTube wouldn't even know what happened to me. I wouldn't be the first to mysteriously disappear. People assume you were shot or something.

_Six._

I've watched other Tubers just vanish. I can't say any of them affected me that much, so why would mine affect anyone else?

_Five._

Actually, there was one disappearance that affected me. But he's been gone for months now.

_Four._

I should've hit 50k followers this month. Well, fuck that.

_Three._

I wonder if that other Tuber is dead? Is he alive and hiding?

_Two._

I guess he taught me the point in life, but with him gone, I've just forgotten.

_One._

Goodbye.  
  


That's when I jumped, the train a meter away from me. That was it. That was my suicide.

But I never fell, an arm grabbed onto me and threw me back round onto the platform just as the train went by.

Someone was grabbing me by my shoulders, I drummed their chest with my fists to let them release me.

'You fucking idiot! I hate you! LET ME GO! What is my life worth to you?! It's worth nothing to me!'

Tears started pouring down my face in desperation, pain and anger. I was _so close._ The next train was tomorrow.

The figure just kept me shaking in their arms, holding onto me tight. I gave up, my breathing steadying in their arms. Tears burnt my cheeks.

'I fucking hate you.' I looked up.

I recognised the face. The sharp jaw, the turned nose, the pale skin, the small pink lips, the hair...fucking hell the hair.

'Well, shit me.'


	2. *Train Tracks

**Phil**

I was walking around Manchester, it's where I kind of settled. It was wiped out by a nuclear blast, but that was years ago so the soils started healing and the farming situation was pretty good. Connecting to threads was easy as well, so I could post much easier here than York.

I lost my family three years ago, when I was twenty. I was pretty lucky, to be honest. Although, there was a downside and that's that I had twenty years to get close to them. So, when I came home to learn that the submil had taken them hostage and shot them, it destroyed me.

I wish I had the chance to meet the person who did that to them. I'd have no mercy no matter the person. Remember that. That's what I tell myself.

I checked the date.

_Shit._

It was a year ago I jumped. I climbed on top of Manchester Station building, and jumped off.

But I landed fine.

It's impossible, I know that much. But, I'm a big believer in fate, so I just think that I didn't die for a reason. There's always a reason. That's why I'm not mad at the war, just the people in it. Once the evil people have been erased, then the world would be cured.

Even I know that I'm too optimistic for this place.

I think it was three years ago, yeah it would have been because I posted a week after my family was...shot, that I posted to WeTube. I just knew that I was optimistic, so I wanted to spread that. It makes me sad seeing others like that.

I woke myself up from my thoughts, losing myself in them. I realised I'd walked to the station. God, thoughts really do take over. It didn't matter, at least I knew where I was this time. I wandered an hour away last time and had to use a thread map to find my way back to my box.

A box is what people used to call a home. But homes were full of love, whereas a box is for practicality.

I heard the train coming, so I decided to have a potter over, I like watching the colours zoom by.

I made it to the platform when a young boy was sitting on the edge. He was drumming his fingers and feet against the concrete.

_Shit, he's going to jump._

I glided over, making sure I didn't startle him, and the second I grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him out of the train's way, he was jumping.

_Shit. That was intense. If that second was any different, he'd be dead._

Maybe it wasn't thoughts that took me to the station. Maybe it was fate.

The boy was relentlessly hammering his fists into my chest, but I stood a couple of inches over him, holding him in my embrace. He began to calm, so I let him step back, not releasing the fabric from my shoulders that I'd clenched in my fists.

He looked up at me, a look of recognition in his face as he studied me.

God he was hot, the way his dark brown hair fell over his face, the scars that marked him, his dark brown eyes...

_Shit back your thoughts up, Phil._

_You're married for fuck sake._

'Well, shit.' the boy spat out after his chorus of 'I hate you's'. It was as if he was in tune with my thoughts.

I smiled at him.

'Hello to you too.' I released his shoulders and exercised my hands, they'd tensed up from gripping onto him so firmly.

'You cunt.'

'I would say you're being ungrateful, but I get you.'

'I would question it, but everyone who's living in this world has been suicidal, so I guess you do know.' I bit my lips and nodded, walking away from him, 'Wait what?'

I stopped and turned back round to face him, 'What?'

'You just stopped my eternal happiness and are now walking away?!'

'Well, you can stand there and wait for tomorrow's train that comes by at eight...or you could follow me?'

'Fucking cunt.' I rolled my eyes at his language as I walked away. I heard him sit back down on the platform.

'Mate, I have a gun. So do you by the looks of it. Just shoot yourself.' I spat at him.

'That's not the fucking point, bastard.' I sighed and turned back, sitting next to him.

'Then what's the point?'

'This is how my brother went, so I'm going with him.' That I understood, at least. I jumped off the platform onto the tracks. The boy's eyes widened at me. I beckoned him down with me, so he also jumped. I started pottering down the track.

'Well, is that it?' he questioned at me. I nodded, continuing to walk.

'Mate, I'm just going back to my crappy box, I don't know what you have.'

'Nothing.'

'So, that's not it, is it?' I turned to him, his shoulders shrugging, 'Anyway, what do you think death is?'

'God dude...way to be deep.'

'Trust me, I've been deeper.' I chuckled to myself. He turned to me, raising an eyebrow to which my mood shut down again, 'Well...what is death to you?'

'Happiness. Relief from this world. It's hurt me, so I might as well finish the job.'

'The world doesn't hurt you, it just cuts you deeper.'

'What the fuck's that supposed to mean?'

'It means the world is perfect, it's the people in it that slowly cut you down.'

'Or the lack of people.'

'Or that.' I sighed, continuing down the tracks. We walked in silence for a while.

'Well Phil, I'm Dan.' I nodded, but then back-tracked.

'Wait...how do you...?'

'I've watched you on WeTube for years, you've kept me going until this point, to be honest. Although I don't see how I've _kept going_ because what happens if _keeping going_ is dying? Then you've stopped me from keeping going. But, then again I guess it's just personal-'

'Wait...you know me because of my videos?' he nodded.

'And I've kept you alive up until this point?' he nodded.

'Why did you give up now?' I asked.

'Because you gave up.'

'Shit mate, I didn't give up. I only just started. I've had a kid so-'

'You have a kid?!' It was my turn to nod.

'Shit dude...why the hell?'

'Love mate?'

'Love? Love?! FUCKING LOVE? Dude do you think that's an appropriate excuse to bring a kid into this fucking place?!' I shrugged, then nodded.

'Shit dude, I thought you were just nuts in your videos.' I shook my head.

'Um, what's your name again?' I asked.

'Dan, Dan Howell...' he mumbled off, but I didn't catch the last bit.

'Sorry, what was the-'

'Doesn't matter. Not much does.'


	3. *Baby

**Dan**

A kid? A fucking kid?! Why the hell would he be bringing a kid into this fucking world? That nutter...

'Um, what's your name again?' he threw in, disturbing my thoughts. That bastard, I literally told him five minutes ago.

'Dan, Dan Howell...danisnotonfire but you wouldn't care that I've stalked you for years...'

'Sorry, what was the-' Good, he didn't hear me.

'Doesn't matter. Not much does.' That got him to shut up.

Why am I not dead? What was this cruel trick the world was playing on me?

We walked in silence again for a few minutes, when he lifted himself out of the platform. Shit, he was pretty strong. He helped me out afterwards and we then started walking into the city.

'What do you do to cope, Phil?' I asked.

'Daydream, make videos and cry.'

'Wow, that's too accurate.'

'You make videos?' I nodded.

'Danisnotonfire.'

'Why the name?' he asked.

'Because being on fire means that you have good aim for shooting and do it recklessly. But once I learnt the fowl intentions behind the submil, I've refused to ever touch a gun trigger again. So, I'm not on fire.' I like to think that this name has been used in another dimension of this world, where there isn't a war, and the poor guy just ended up with the crappy name, not really knowing why he named his channel that.

'Oh, I thought it meant you weren't _on fire_ as in hot, but then you're just lying to your-'

'Are you calling me hot?' I turned to him, raising an eyebrow. His eyes widened.

'Shit, no...well-' I chuckled, he crossed his arms and kicked a rock.

'So are you married?' I asked. He nodded, a disappointed look on his face.

'Unhappily?' I continued.

'Why are you asking this?'

'I'm a nosy, bratty teenager.'

'Wait, how old are you?'

'Eighteen.'

'Technically that makes you an adult...' I flipped him off, so he returned the gesture, 'At least you're legal.' I turned to him shocked, seeing a smirk spread across his face.

'What the fuck dude?! You're married!' I watched him smile, my mind absolutely confused.

'I thought we already discussed unhappily.' I raised an eyebrow, crossing my arms.

'So I was right about that.'

'Shut up bratty teenager.'

'I'm an adult actually- oh shit, you bastard!' he smirked again, so I punched his arm.

We came to a box, which he started tapping the side to, opening the lock. I guess this is his place then.

'Hey babe...' he crouched to enter the door, I just walked straight under. God, by his tone he really was not happy to see her. Why did he have a kid?

'Hey.' she replied. A blonde-haired woman came into the main room, the ends of her hair dip-dyed pink, 'Who's this?' she asked.

'Hi, my name's Dan!' I awkwardly saluted at her.

'I'm Louise.' she smiled at me, then at Phil. A baby then started crying, she sighed and left into the secondary room again.

Phil took me to the sofa and pulled out a play tablet, standing it against a risen table.

'What's honestly going on between you two?' I asked. Phil sighed.

'Fucking hell...uh, well...' he awkwardly drummed his hands against his knees.

'Well...?' I asked, continuing on from him.

'I'm...gay?'

'Gay? Or gay. You seem uncertain.' he shrugged, 'Why did you marry her then?'

'My parents loved her so much, so I just went along with it, knowing it'd make them happy.'

'Did you ever think about her?' he nodded.

'Ughh...well, she fell pregnant and her family pushed her into it. My family was blind to the situation so went along with it as well.'

'You, gay, got her pregnant?'

'Drunk.' I lifted my head in understanding, biting my lip as I did so, 'Wait, so you're family was killed three years ago and she was pregnant then, why is your kid a baby and you've recently taken a break for it?'

'Um...We got drunk again...'

'Two kids?'

'First died a year ago...' I actually faced him this time.

'Shit dude, I'm sorry.' he bit his lip and nodded.

'Game?' he questioned, gesturing towards the play tablet. I nodded as he pressed the screen a few times.

_Crash Bandicoot._

'Wow, classics.' I stated as he panicked.

'Uh, we can play-'

'No no! That's not what I meant. The classics are the best, just not many people agree.'

Phil smiled, and God his smile...


	4. *Warm hugs

**Phil**

The kid's nosy, I'll give him that, but he actually seems to be interested so I was quite willing to talk. Louise and I were so close to coming to a separation between us... stupid alcohol. I was just pissed off at the world. Why couldn't anything ever be right? What was the point of keeping me here if I was just to keep fucking up decision after decision?

I had, and have, some kind of mental disorder. It's never been diagnosed, because what's the fucking point in this world? But, I have these periods where I'm appreciative of everything and want to live every second of it...and then I have the other times when I'm unbearably self-destructive and can't stand to live anymore. They're getting better. It didn't stop me from restricting myself that drunk night though. I have no control over the destruction when I'm drunk, that's why I drink.

Dan and I were still playing Crash Bandicoot until the early hours of the morning. That's when the screen cut out and would only flash images when I hit it repeatedly.

Simple things like this that bring-out rage and cause me to switch, I started beating the play tablet with all my might, finally taking a breath and turning round to see a very startled and traumatised-looking Dan.

'Fuck...I'm so sorry...' I mumbled. He stood up, I stepped back so he could leave out the door, but instead he just wrapped his arms around me. I froze at first, but then let myself relax into the embrace and took his body in my arms as well.

'The only thing that needs to apologise is this world for bringing you into it. I'm broken, you're broken...it's just this universe. It sucks, but as my mum once said, _the reason is love, love brings you through this world. Love lets you exist happily_.' I backed away, my wrists aching from beating the tablet. He took my hands in his and started rubbing my hands. It relieved the pain from my arms, but not anywhere else.

I heard my kid start to stir, so I made my way over to Ev's room.

'Uh, we have a spare room around the side there if you want to stay the night,' I directed my head towards Dan. He pierced his lips and nodded. I cradled Ev and brought him out into the primary room, where Dan was packing the game away.

'Mate, you don't need to do that, I was the one who broke it.' I sighed. Dan stood up again, turning towards my cradling body. Dan was right, love does keep you in this world. My love for this kid, no matter how stupid I was to have him, was endless. I felt Dan's presence beside me as he watched Ev sink off into sleep.

'Can I-?' Dan gestured his arms towards my baby. I smiled gently, passing out my arms, to which Dan gracefully took the child. He looked so natural embracing Ev, they looked gorgeous. Dan swayed his body side to side, his breathing matching Ev's rhythm as his thumb caressed his hair. His strong, masculine figure seeming too harsh to be cradling a child so beautifully and warmly. He turned to me, noticing me watching him, smiling contently at me.

'Have you ever had a kid?' I began. He just shook his head. 'You're a natural.'

'One day, maybe... I understand why someone would want this, though.' He hushed the wriggling child.

'You've got to stay alive for that.' I noticed a tear beginning to form in Dan's eye. I reached out for Ev, letting the small, warm body return to my arms. He settled back down into his hammock almost instantly. Again, I turned round to Dan. I felt his eyes dart over my face.

'Night Phil.'

'Night Dan.'

And to think that boy could have been dead right now.


	5. *Boxes

**Dan**

I woke up in the tangled up fabric of the egg. I think I slept in fetal position most of the night, embracing my own knees to my chest in comfort. I tend to sleep like that, especially in egg beds. They just curl around your body so easily, I don't think you could sleep any other way.

I heard a slight tap on the door, closely followed by a whispered 'Dan?'.

'Yeah?' My throat groaned in protest of speaking so early in the morning. I checked the time on my arm. Eleven, forget about the early part.

The door slid open to reveal a shirtless Phil. I noticed his body stiffen, but I couldn't take my eyes away from him.

_Fuck he's beautiful._

He cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his exposed chest. I groaned a little in protest and pouted to myself. My eyes met his, a small chuckle meeting itself onto our lips, Phil shaking his head in disbelief.

'I was just coming in to say I was going out to pick up some essentials, I'll be back soon. Louise is asleep with Ev still.' He nodded and turned away.

'Can I join?' He paused at my words, turning around. Phil shrugged.

'Yeah sure, don't see why not.' I slipped out of bed, feeling Phil's eyes burn into my exposed body. I was wearing shorts, but seemed like Philly was still enjoying the view.

'Enjoying yourself there, Philly?' he scoffed, smiling as he shook his head.

'You wish- did you call me Philly?' I turned around, nodding towards him, pleased with my new nickname for him.

'Wait...what do you mean I wish?!' Phil's face paused, waiting for something else. His eyes then widened at me.

'What do you mean what do I mean?' I shrugged.

'I dunno...'

Phil flicked his body round the door.

'There's a thing called gay, _Danny_.' And with that and a smack to his own ass, he'd left with the door sliding itself shut.

_He thinks I'm gay-_

_Wait?_

_Wait._

_I'm waiting?_

_Oh, wait, I'm waiting for myself._

_Wait..._

_Fuck his ass._

_He has a good ass._

I dressed myself and made my way into the primary room. Phil was lent over, looking into a cupboard. I didn't even try to hide the fact I was staring at his butt.

'I know I have a good backside Dan, but can you help me find my chit?'

A chit was a small circular device that was made to give you access to a local plant lot. You can also save trade partners and stuff in it, I've never had one personally.

I awkwardly shuffled my eyes away from Phil and walked over to him. I crouched next to him, seeing a chit reflect some light in the corner of my eye. I picked it up and passed it to him. He mumbled a 'thanks' and we stood up.

I stared into his eyes, my body relaxing as I did so. They were invasive with how bright they were, but I honestly wouldn't mind those eyes invading me any day...

_Shit, I'm doing it again._

I blinked a few times, Phil raised an eyebrow at me as he started making his way to the door. We walked out, making our way down the street. We made it to the plant lot where Phil swiped his chit and we entered a small patch. He had a box waiting for him, presumably filled with resources from personal trade partners. He then packed a few boxes of his own, picking one of the two up.

'Hey, since you're here, grab that box and dump it at thirty-two, will you?' I nodded, doing what he told me to do so. I arrived back at his plot before he did, so I picked up his trade box and waited for him.

I carried the box back to his place, hearing the door slide open to enter. I walked straight forwards at the entrance, but my foot met with a step I didn't remember being there.

'Fuck!' I shouted as I slipped backwards. I heard a groan come from Phil as I landed on his body that I tackled over backwards. I kept the box safe, somehow, so I set it down to the side and scooted my body off of Phil. I went to sit upon the concrete but felt my head pound.

'Ugh!' I rested against the floor, feeling Phil briskly slide his body around so he was sitting upwards next to me.

'Dan, you alright?'

'Yeah, just give me a minute.' He held out a hand to me, to which I took, and pulled me upwards. I felt unsteady still and relied on his body to hold me up, going limp in his arms. Hey, I wasn't complaining.

We shuffled over to the sofa, where I collapsed onto the cushions. Phil disappeared off, returning with an instant freeze pack for my head.

'Thanks.' I groaned, feeling the relief on my scalp.

He collected the box into the house, packing it away before coming to sit next to me.

We watched some crap on the screen wall for a while, my headache slowly fading. I felt Phil watching me, so I looked over to him.

'You feeling better?'

I nodded, pulling myself up to sit. His arm wrapped around my waist, supporting my movement. I breathed heavily, that simple task taking most of my energy, I rested my head into Phil's shoulder, feeling his hand move upwards against my body. Our breathing matched and I felt his head turn towards me again, so I locked my eyes with his. My hand was still supporting the freeze-pack. Phil took the same hand, lowering it to look at the after mass. His finger poked my scalp.

'Ow, you bastard.' Phil chuckled, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. I raised my hand to his, which was still placed on my head. His hand guided itself, with mine resting on top of his, down to my neck. He lent in, our foreheads touching until I couldn't take it anymore and pulled our lips together, his other hand taking my waist.

He was first to back away, instantly looking back to the screen. The hand that was holding my neck now held my waist into his as we sat on the sofa.

_Fuck it, I'm not even going to try and pass it off like I'm straight anymore._


	6. *Lock-down

**Phil**

I heard Louise enter the room, so I casually removed my arm from around Dan, who tried pushing back into the chair to stop me from doing so. He pouted at me once I'd retrieved my arm and pulled his knees to his chest.

'Hey guys.' Louise smiled, making her way to the door.

'Hey, where are you going?' I smiled.

'Just out.'

'Out?'

'Friend's.'

'Oh okay, see ya.' And with that, she was out the door.

I looked towards Dan who was already staring intensely at me. I lent towards him, his arms suddenly flying around my body and his lips colliding with mine. I gasped slightly, not expecting such force to come to me so quickly.

Dan backed away after a while, biting his lip and collapsing on the sofa. I felt my chest pound round my body.

_I met Dan yesterday, how does this even make sense?_

Ev started mumbling so I began to stand up, but then I heard Ev's door slide open and saw Dan already entering there.

He came out of the room with my kid in his arms, swaying his body. I smiled at the two, there was something about this scene that could fill anyone's heart with contentment and peace. Dan turned his smile towards me, my body automatically stand itself up and walk towards him. I stood slightly taller than Dan, my head looking over his shoulder as I appreciated Ev. Dan turned round to me and I met my lips to his.

Ev suddenly began to stir, then I heard a loud boom outside.

'Fuck!'

'Phil, language! The child!' Ev's eyes began to water in Dan's arms, to which he desperately tried to soothe. I slipped the door open to hear members of the submil charging around, one began approaching my box's door, so I quickly slammed it shut manually and enabled the forced protection onto it.

'Place Ev in his hammock, make your way to the back room.' Dan nodded in reply as I headed to get the post to enforce the door's lock. Dan was waiting for me in the doorway, so I jogged over to him and pushed his back so he'd enter the room.

In here, there were two chairs and Ev's hammock. We also stored essentials in here. Louise and I thought it would make sense to have everything important in one room, so if we needed to go into shutdown it wouldn't take long to set up.

The submil started slamming on our door. Dan flinched and pulled his knees to his chest, so I shuffled off my chair and sat on the arm of his, wrapping my body around his.

'What do they even want?'

'Control.'

'THERE'S NOTHING TO CONTROL!' Ev started whimpering, causing Dan's mood to change instantly and reach his arm over to Ev's head, stroking the hair fluffs that were beginning to sprout. 'How old is he?'

'Three months.' I watched Dan smile, seeing a dimple appear in his cheek. I poked it, causing Dan to throw his body backwards and lift his arms up in defence.

'Don't touch Derek.' I wheezed as I laughed, recovering from Dan's sudden movement.

'You named it?'

'Yes! My only friend for five years.' I smiled pitifully at Dan, looking towards the door of this room.

An hour had already passed, but I could still hear members of submil quite clearly outside. Dan was awkwardly tapping his feet against the floor.

'What do you want to do?' I asked, receiving nothing but a shrug.

I threw a packet of flour wafers over to Dan, my stomach was rumbling so he must've been hungry too.

It was silent for a while, but we were too anxious about the noises outside to care what was happening in here.

The recommendation is to keep your box in lockdown for a further four hours after a disturbance, just to be safe.

I hoped Louise was alright. We might not love each other, but she is a close friend and I would never wish anything bad upon her.

Two hours had gone by since the explosion and the noises of outside had started settling down. Dan and I had become more relaxed, and Ev couldn't have a care in the world.

'What do you do for fun, Phil?' I bit my lips together and thought for a second.

'I guess I game a lot, sometimes build structures out of food. Oh, I like to create random games as well.' Dan smiled at me like I was a kid. 'I know I'm just a giant man child.'

We chuckled, I stood up and made my way to Ev, stroking his head.

'And you?' I asked.

'Same really...do you play?' I turned to Dan and raised an eyebrow. He flicked his head towards the inbuilt keyboard into our box. I shook my head. That just came with the box. I watched Dan stumble over to the board and pull it out. He glided his fingers across the keys, creating a tune I can only assume to be his own.

'So you do?' He nodded, not giving much of a response as he was so heavily involved in his song. I wrapped my arms around him as he played, resting my forehead on his shoulder. He stopped playing and looked at me, staring into my eyes.

I watched his brown orbs so intensely scan mine. I tried to read him, but I couldn't understand what was going on in his mind. His eyes briefly darted to my lips, so I took the hint and pressed ourselves together, feeling Dan smile against me.

Even I don't believe I met this boy a day ago.

But I do believe fate brought me to the station.

And maybe not to just save his life.


	7. *Four hours

**Dan**

'So, you said you make games up in your free time?' I asked, throwing a ball I found against the wall, catching it in my palms and repeating the action. Phil nodded, holding his finger between Ev's hands.

'I guess you want to play?' he asked me. I nodded, holding the ball in my lap, 'Well I thought of one a while back...seven-second challenge.' I chuckled.

'Okay, so my first thoughts were that sounds like exercise, but then I remembered it was you and concluded this is some kinky sex game.'

'What?! No, Dan!' he seemed genuinely shocked at my suggestion. I chuckled, throwing the ball towards him, 'This one's innocent!'

'This one?' he winked, to which I raised my eyebrows.

'Dan...you have seven seconds to name five animals. Go!'

'Uh...uh, person? Uh, sheep, cow, snail, liguna, uh... WAIT THAT'S FIVE! Do I win?' he nodded at me. I jumped up and punched the air, 'Boom!'

I sat down on the stool again, 'Okay, Phil. You have seven seconds to...touch each wall. Go!' he darted round the room, stumbling over his feet as he desperately scrambled to touch the walls. He tripped over a box and face-planted against the floor.

'I still did it!' he grunted, turning over onto his back.

We played this for another hour, concluding the four hours of lockdown. Phil released the manual systems and pulled out a connection device.

I heard some mumbled words from the primary room, as I picked up Ev and took him to the doorway.

'Louise is safe.' I smiled, taking his shoulder in my hand.

'Mario?' I suggested, pointing to the wall screen to project the game onto. I gently placed Ev in a carrier against the wall. His face beamed up, grabbing a device, passing one to me, and perching himself on the sofa.

He's honestly the biggest man-spreader out there. I sat down, in my typical curled-up ball manor as Phil parted himself across the entire couch.

I guess I know who tops.

'Uh, Dan?' I shook my head, breaking out my thoughts, turning to him.

'Yeah?'

'You're staring at my crotch again.' my eyes widened as I felt my face heat up.

'Uh-' he chuckled before screaming out, 'HA I WIN!' I shook myself as I looked back at the screen.

'Bastard!'

'You should've been paying attention!'

'I was!'

'To my dick, more like.' he raised an eyebrow, smirking.

'Well-'

'Point proven! Another round?' he asked, pointing his device towards the wall. I nodded, determined to win this go.

A while later, Phil checked the time, to which I repeated as I was growing tired. It was coming up to twelve.

'I'm going to go to sleep, if that's alright?' I stood up, placing the device on the table and heading off.

'Night Dan.'

'Night Phil.' I smiled, gripping the doorway as I gave a small wave towards him. Louise wasn't back yet, but Phil didn't seem concerned.

I had a small bag of things I kept: clothes, basic hygiene, a few medical aids and a gun. I didn't like having a gun, but it was too risky without.

I came in contact with a Liguana a few weeks ago. I'd heard of them before, but they're truly horrific. To someone who hasn't seen one, they look like a shadow of a snake that briskly passes across the floor, then when it has a chance it pierces your skin with slow-acting venom. I attacked it with a knife, since I didn't want to touch my gun, but that's why people carry guns; for nuclear creatures like those.

I stripped off my shirt and dumped it on the floor with my trousers. I lowered myself into the egg bed and curled up into the covers of it.

Phil's actually a flirty little shit.

Despite being tired earlier, I really couldn't fall asleep, so I pulled out my connection device and enabled the thread so I could watch WeTube. I scanned Phil's last few videos and re-watched the latest ones.

Everything about his videos were calming: his voice, his actions, what he talked about, his eyes...

I found myself just staring into his eyes through the screen, analysing the colours and the unspoken words through his pupils. You could see hurt, but only minimal through the pure desire to help others.

I heard the door slide, quickly slamming my connector off.

There was no way I hid the fact I was watching his videos.

'Uh, you alright, Phil?' his face showed a worried expression as he shifted his weight between his two feet.

'Louise isn't back yet, it's coming up to four...'

'Hey, you called her earlier so you know she's safe. It was chaotic earlier, I'm sure she's just resting at her friend's tonight.' I comforted him with those words, completely believing them myself. I said them spur of the moment, but they seemed legitimate and reasonable. In fact, if I were in her position that night, I would have stayed with the friend. I guess that's what I was doing, being here with Phil and all.

How long was Phil expecting me to stay here, anyway?

'Uh, Phil?'

'Yeah?'

'I just thought a second ago, but how long are you... _expecting_ me to stay? If that's the right way to put it...?' his face relaxed before it scrunched up again in thought. He considered my words for a while.

'Oh, uh...I guess I hadn't really thought about it, as long as you want, I guess? Why?'

'Purely wondering, it was just a path from my thoughts a second ago...' he smiled nodding. He turned around again to leave, not looking as if he actually wanted to go.

'Phil, do you want to stay with me for a while, I don't mind and you seem anxious?' he faced me again, smiling warmly before walking up towards me.

'Thanks, I know I shouldn't be worried.' I patted the egg for him to perch on, to which he accepted the invitation, 'I thought you said you were tired earlier?'

'I was, but I can't sleep.'

'Do my videos help relax you, then?' my face blushed, damn him, 'You don't have to answer that.' he chuckled, noticing my expression.

It was comfortable staring into his eyes for a few minutes, not caring about the world passing around us.


	8. *Soft lips

**Phil**

I sat in the primary room tapping at my connector in anticipation. After four hours I gave up and decided to see if Dan was awake. I heard talking in his room, so carefully (to not make a sound through his door, because that's stalkerish) I placed my ear against the metal.

I noticed the voice, it was my own. Was he watching my videos? I smiled to myself, before this, I hadn't really been able to comprehend people using videos to calm down. Did that mean Dan was stressed right now?

I gently tapped on the door before sliding it partly open. I noticed a scramble in the room for Dan to turn his connector off. Once he began to speak I allowed myself full entrance into the room.

'Uh, you alright, Phil?' he asked. I was pretty anxious about Louise not returning yet, but my stress was relieved slightly by the sight of Dan innocently cradling himself against the egg bed, curled up so his face was barely visible, but just enough in order to view his connector.

I decided to respond, 'Louise isn't back yet, it's coming up to four...' he spoke back, giving a reasonable explanation for why she probably hasn't returned yet. I was slightly in denial about it, personally, but to allow myself to relax I put my full trust into his words.

Dan was staring off into nowhere, probably on a trail of his own thoughts. He shifted upwards a bit, exposing his lower neck.

'Uh, Phil?' shit did he notice me staring? God, I'm so weird and inconvenient sometimes.

'Yeah?' I replied, anxious about his response.

'I just thought a second ago, but how long are you... _expecting_ me to stay? If that's the right way to put it...?' I was a bit startled, not expecting him to ask this. It was a bit random, but then again I am also one of the most random people to exist. Most likely, anyway, I hadn't met many people face-to-face for a period long enough to gauge whether they were random or not.

I was a bit taken back by the fact I hadn't even considered this either. I hardly _trust_ people enough to let them stay. In my mind, Dan kind of just moved in through mutual thoughts between us.

'Oh, uh...I guess I hadn't really thought about it, as long as you want, I guess? Why?' I responded, then asked. The corners of his mouth turned upwards slightly, causing me to become slightly flustered. He shuffled upwards again, exposing more of his chest unknowingly.

'Purely wondering, it was just a path from my thoughts a second ago...' he told me. I nodded as Dan turned his head to the wall. I took this as a hint to leave. I was slightly reluctant about it, especially since I had access to the exposed upper body of Dan, but I still turned round to leave.

'Phil, do you want to stay with me for a while, I don't mind and you seem anxious?' I smiled and chuckled to myself slightly. I'd mostly, although was still worrying slightly, calmed down about Louise. My 'anxious'ness was more likely flustered, little did he know. Or he was playing an innocent act which is just a tease.

He patted the surface of the egg bed to which I perched on next to him. We began staring quite intensely into each other's eyes, not breaking direct eye contact as we talked.

'I thought you said you were tired earlier?' I teased. He shuffled around a bit, seeming to also become flustered. It was fine by me since he was gripping the fabric of the bed around his upper abdomen, releasing his entire chest. I still didn't break eye contact, but I was hardly focusing on his eyes anymore.

'I was, but I can't sleep.' he bit his lip and darted his eyes away for a second, before returning them.

'Do my videos help relax you, then?' I caught him, his face became blushed and he seemed to be mentally cursing me, 'You don't have to answer that.' I enjoyed teasing him, and leaving him to answer that question would have been slightly too cruel.

We both seemed to find comfort staring into the eyes of one another without speaking for a while. I became physically uncomfortable, however, so I released my back my leaning against my elbow on the bed. It arrived next to Dan's head, causing me to be leaning over him as we returned to the stare in the other's eyes.

I looked away for a second, staring at the scattered light bulbs on the ceiling which were designed to give the imitation of stars.

I returned my gaze to him, which he didn't seem to have redirected himself from.

I lent my face down next to his, grazing my lips against his. He pushed himself into me, his left hand gently sliding along my side and around my back. How can someone so tall and broad be so gentle as well?

I unexpectedly pressed my lips harder against Dan's, causing him to release a surprised groan. I gasped slightly, finding the sound attractive as I lifted my right leg over his left. I placed my right arm on the opposite side of his torso, supporting myself over his body as my lips remained in deep contact with his.

I grazed his lower lip with my tongue, which he thirstily accepted. He brought his right leg closer to his body, causing it to press against my dick to which I released an uninvited moan. Dan caressed his tongue against my upper lip before nipping my bottom one.

I was close to pressing myself closer against Dan, but Ev began to stir, making whimpers and gargles.

I chuckled out of annoyance. My head backed away from Dan's as I remained above his body.

'Night Dan, see you in a few hours.' I whispered. He seemed to be mentally cursing my child, but this was just another excuse for me to tease Dan.

I slipped myself over Dan's body, to which he didn't move, so when I was walking away his legs were still visibly parted underneath the material of the bed.

'Flirty shit.' Dan groaned through his pierced lips that repressed a smile. I raised my eyebrows slightly as I smirked, leaving an aroused Dan alone as I departed from the room.

I tended Ev and moved him into the secondary room with me, where I slept in my own bed, drifting off to thoughts of Dan.


	9. *Darkness

**Dan**

I woke up the next morning, the heaviness of my body pulling me back towards the bed. I tried to get up for a while, but ended up failing miserably and collapsed against the sheets. Everything seemed darkened; the walls more grey, the star lights dimmed and my mind hazy. I looked down at my body. I was pathetic. Everything about me was pathetic.

I remembered that night at Manchester train station, the rumbles of the track as the train scrambled its way towards me. If I fell, the world, everything around me, the last few days; it'd all have been nothing to me.

That's where I met Phil in person, so of course, he's letting me stay. I'm only here because he couldn't reject me in that state. If I left now, he'd miss me, maybe? It'd only be a feeling though, he'd get over it. It's not like I'm anything important to him. I'm just a depressed teenager whom he's taken up and given shelter to for a few nights.

I rolled my heavy body over the edges of the egg bed. I pulled over my clothes onto my body, stuffing my minimal items into my rucksack and sliding the door open. I clicked the primary door, releasing exit to the outside, and left.

I passed by the buildings, the fallen bricks which were lying against the broken roads of cement. I wanted to shout, I wanted to fuck this world. But I didn't shout for fear that I'd be noticed by someone and killed. I realised this fear, with that, I was shown to myself that maybe I didn't want to die. But maybe that fear was human instinct, and that now my mind had retrieved control over instincts, I did actually want to end it all?

I sighed, taking a piece of metal scrap from the floor and fiddling it through my fingers. I sat on the wooden remains of a bench, the ragged wood beneath me pressing into my skin.

Phil's kid meant to world to him, anyway, so it wasn't as if he'd care. Are these even genuine thoughts, or am I convincing myself this is what I had to think, in order to get myself away from him?

I was slamming the metal against the corners of the bench, somewhat carving the metal scrap into a shape. I made it into a heart because I'm so imaginative I used my power to do anything in the world to make that.

Everything was so pointless, I was living for the sake of living and going through with life. Once I died, it'd all be over and that would be it. Why is fate fucking keeping me here or is this whole place a fucking joke to someone? If there is a creator of this place, if so are they watching down on me having a fucking laugh? What was my point? If I didn't have a fucking point, what is the point in my fucking existence?

My fists clenched my curls in between my skin, pulling at the roots of my hair. I clenched my face in desperation for an escape from my thoughts. I wish I didn't have a conscience so that these thoughts would have never been enabled in my brain, that way I wouldn't even have the knowledge to have a point in life, let alone care about having a point.

I've hurt _everyone_. I held a fucking gunpoint at my own mother's head. I remember her quivering lips, the words she couldn't stutter trying to depart themselves from her throat.

I felt as if I'd done this before, sat on this bench carving at a crappy-looking heart while falling deeper into my mindset. It was a dejavu that was more than having a feeling I'd been here before, but a knowledge. If I'd done this before, why was I going through it? Was it inevitable to experience this exact moment over and over again?

Would the world ever fucking end?

If I ended my life would it just restart?

_I can't fucking-_

'FUCK IT! FUCK IT ALL! I'M SORRY TO THE FUCKING WORLD, MY FUCKING FAMILY. MY _FAMILY_ THAT I HELD AT GUNPOINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I'M FUCKING SORRY PHIL THAT YOU FOUND ME! I'm sorry that you had to find me at the point I was leaving. I'm sorry to myself that Phil found me. I'm sorry I didn't jump in time. I'm sorry Phil that the world has taken you into this crappy existence. Someone as wonderful and beautiful as you shouldn't have to breathe in this world. This planet doesn't deserve you. This fucking planet doesn't deserve your fucking eyes that made me forget fucking existentialism and fucking conscience and instead focused me on fucking you instead. I'm sorry Phil that you fucking exist, because if it was fate for you to find me-'

'Then at least I've found you again.' Fucking Phil. Of course he's gone and fucking found me again. I remained looking down at the metal scrap between my fingers. I didn't say a word, refusing to look up at him. I clenched the metal, feeling the sharp sting of my skin and it was pierced. Tears pushed themselves through my clenched eyes as my entire body _ached_. There's no other way to put it but it was as if there was extreme exhaustion running itself through my veins, drowning me of movement.

He sat down next to me, placing one hand on my knee as the other cradled Ev. I could feel him looking at me, patiently waiting for me to gather myself. I turned towards him, my eyes scanning his face, seeing nothing but acceptance and patience willing to wait for me. I slammed my lips against his face, feeling sorry he has decided to cope with me, but also the pure desire to be with him eternally.

He pushed back into the kiss, the hand that was resting on my knee gently stroking the hairs at the top of my neck. I backed away, placing my forehead onto his shoulder, his hand gliding across my back to soothe my whimpers.

He released the tight grip between my fingers and my palm, revealing the bloody metal shard. Phil dabbed the cloth of his shirt against my bleeding skin, blood draining into his fabric as we both stared at the mess I'd made.

He took the metal scrap from my palm, tracing over the barely visible words I'd messily engraved, marking out a barely visible 'PHIL'.

'The world deserves me just as much as it's to deserve you; it's not about being able to see that, it's about blocking out thoughts that deny that.'

Phil placed the scrap on my knee as his fingers ran across the blood markings against my skin.

'Alright, Shakespeare.' I muttered, my gratitude for his words visible in the tone of my speech.

He took my palm and placed it on the metal.

'If the metal is metaphorically my heart, then the scrap belongs to you.' Phil pulled me towards his body with his arm that was snaked around my waist. I rested my right temple against his shoulder as the last of my tears were drained, 'Dan, you're about to apologise and I can feel that through you, but don't you fucking dare. I'm the one who's sorry that I didn't find you sooner, in regards to both today and the entirety of our existences. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you this morning and that I didn't pick up any warning signs last night and-'

'If I'm not allowed to apologise, you're not allowed to either.'

'Why, Dan?'

'Without mentioning my worthlessness in comparison to you or how I literally mean nothing to this planet, you can't apologise because...' I trailed off.

'Okay, without mentioning how you mean more to me than anyone, who I met the number of days ago that I could count on one hand, should, or how I'd blow this planet up before I even scratched your skin, why can't I apologise?'

'Because...I'm a stubborn cunt.' we chuckled together.

'Valid reasoning, Danny.'

Phil stood up, pulling me upwards with the movement of his body as his hand was still firmly around my waist.

'Ready?' he asked, looking back on the path we were to walk back to his box on.

'For what?' I asked.

'Day four.' I turned to him, giving him a questioning look, not understanding what he meant, 'Day four of our lives, Danny. I know mine only began when I met you.'


	10. *Oh, okay

**Phil**

_I woke up feeling something was wrong. My mind was buzzing and I couldn't pick out a solid thought. I pulled my hands out in front of my body and noticed they were twitching. I grabbed the bottle I kept by my bed and downed one of the tablets._

_Sometimes I wake up switched. I wake up not as Phil, but a violent, angry and vile person. It's still me, I feel myself controlling this person, but it's as if I'm trying to control a character from a computer game._

_I almost stood up, but felt the rage run towards my head. I lied back in bed and decided to rest for a bit longer._

_Once the tablet kicked it, I'd be back to myself; that was certain. Until then, I just can't think anything._

_'Dan's using you'. Nope._

_'_ _Ev_ _is just an inconvenience'. Definitely not._

_'The world's a game'. No- well probably, but it's an okay game._

_'Even Louise left you'. That's understandable with the situation._

_'Dan doesn't actually care about you. He just needed shelter'. That's not true._

_'You don't know that'. I don't, but I'm pretty good at judging others' characters._

_'Do it, then'. Do what?_

_'Go check'. Again, what?_

_'Dan's not there'. God, yes he is brain_ _fuck_ _off._

_'Then do it'. ..._

_'Go check'._ _Fucking_ _hell_ _I know I should never do whatever this person tells me to do because that gives it any form of control possible. I shouldn't really respond to him, but I have to fight the thoughts somehow, otherwise, all I can do is listen._

_I slid my door open, already feeling the tablet kicking in, and made my way to Dan's door. I tapped the metal twice before sliding it open._

_'Dan?' I whispered. I received no answer so I propped my head in._

_Empty._

_'Told you'._ _Fuck_ _off._

_I waited a second, one of three responses was to kick in: I was either going to get extremely mad and destroy everything (if the tablet wasn't in my system yet - although I felt like I was), go into panic purely for Dan and have an anxiety attack running out the house trying to find him (if the tablet had somewhat kicked in), or break down into tears and feel useless (I dunno, probably since I'm an emotional wreck)._

_I walked over to Dan's bed and moved the covers to make sure he definitely wasn't there - although I doubt he turned into a micro version of Dan overnight. I took a sharp breath, turning around and seeing his bag gone._

_Shit_ _!_

_Holy_ _fucking_ _hell_ _, okay...breathe. I started drumming my fingers against the nails of my thumbs, thinking of what to do. Keep a clear mind._

_Okay, grab_ _Ev_ _and take him with you; he's too young to be left alone. I went to_ _Ev's_ _hammock and cradled him in my arms._

_Right, put him in a sling around you so you don't drop him. I grabbed a simple sling and wrapped him against my body._

_Now, go out the door and walk down the road; the bed was warm, Dan couldn't be too far. Knowing him he probably sat down anyway._

_I took another breath, allowing the oxygen in the air to keep me calm as I slid the front door open._

_I hastily passed myself along the road, being careful not to make too much sound. I didn't want to bring unwanted attention to myself, especially with_ _Ev_ _._

_I heard someone screaming. Dan, that was Dan._

_'_ _FUCK_ _IT!' definitely Dan._

_I stepped closer to the voice, appearing around a corner to see Dan sitting on a damaged bench, curled up and shaking as he spat out words of apology._

_He was apologising to his family, then himself, then...me?_

_'I'm sorry Phil that the world has taken you into this crappy existence.'_

_Don't apologise, Dan. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you this morning. You should've woken me up._

_'Someone as wonderful and beautiful as you shouldn't have to breathe in this world. This planet doesn't deserve you. This fucking planet doesn't deserve your fucking eyes that made me forget fucking existentialism and fucking conscience and instead focused me on fucking you instead.'_

_He called me wonderful and beautiful. I wanted to move towards him, that's what my brain was telling me to do, but my heart kept me still. He actually sounded as if he was thanking me. Why? I didn't do that much for him, otherwise he wouldn't be in this position, surely?_

_Wait, 'focus on fucking me instead'? I bit my lips and blushed, feeling like an old-day school girl twiddling my thumbs together._

_'I'm sorry Phil that you fucking exist.'_

_Don't be, Dan...I wanted to meet you that day. I'm glad I exist, just so that I met you. I don't care what pain I've gone through or will experience as part of the rest of my life, I've met you; it's all worth it._

_He rambled on for another sentence, but I realised I should be saying all these thoughts in my head to him, not to myself._

_I placed a hand on his shoulder, 'Then at least I've found you again.'_

_I felt his body both tense up and relax. Tensing up because I shocked him and he knows I probably heard most - if not all - of his speech, but relaxing because (hopefully) he knew he was now safe. I wouldn't let him hurt himself if I was around._

_And I'm not planning to leave._

_I comforted Dan for a while, putting my heart's truth into every word I shared. He cuddled up against my body, I stopped caring about the world we were in, all that I had right now was Dan._

_We started joking with each other a bit, so I knew Dan was picking up again. He flipped, he flipped like I did this morning. Dan just has another flip, he becomes depressed instead of angry. That's okay, he can flip. But only as long as he flips with me, so I can keep him safe._

_I realised at this moment that my tablets had kicked in fully, I was back to Phil. I smiled to myself._

_Dan has changed me, even with only knowing him for four days. Fate -whatever I believe it to be- has brought us together and I'm glad. I felt as if I was actually living now that I met him, whereas before I was coping, surviving and passing through each day. It wasn't as if the days were chores, they were just accessories to what life /could/ be. But now I had Dan, and my opinion of life switched because of him: living was now an accessory to my days. My days were me living, I wasn't just living my days._

_'Day four.' I whispered, knowing it would still be audible to Dan. He turned to me, questioning my words as he couldn't hear my thought process up until that part._

_'Day four of our lives, Danny. I know mine only began when I met you.'_   
  


Dan and I returned to my box after a not too long walk. I allowed Ev's hammock to cradle his fragile body as I sat Dan down onto the sofa.

'I'm cooking flat cake pans, do you want a drink?' I asked Dan as I curled him up on the sofa with a blanket, tucking the material into his sides.

'I'm fine, Phil! Stop tucking me in you spoon!' he chuckled, a dimple forming on the side of his face. I warmly smiled at him, making my way into the back room where the stocks were.

I threw some flour, sugar and condensed flakes into a jug and whisked them in a bowl before pouring the mixture into a pan. I heated it up, and not before long I had a stack of cake pans on a plate. I threw more sugar onto them and walked into the primary room, smiling at a rather cosy-looking Dan.

He smiled, pressing his lips against mine as I sat down and pulling a cake off of the stack.

'Enjoy, sir!' I spoke, turning my nose upwards as if in prowess.

'Thank you, Madame.' my face dropped as I turned to look at Dan, eyebrows raised, 'What?' he asked, 'Pfft, I'm the man here!' he winked, munching on the cake.

'You didn't say that last night as I lied above you and was grinding against you...' I smirked, turning away from Dan towards the screen wall, but not fast enough to miss the pure childish look of embarrassment spread across his face. I faced him, his face changing from shock to a pout.

'Don't de-masculinize me!' he whined, mainly joking but a touch of his weak dominate-self trying to blow itself up to be bigger than it actually was.

I set the cake pans onto the table, supporting my body as I raised myself above a coiled-up Dan, gaining dominance over his flustered body.

'I'll tell you now, I'll be the one to top.' his lips parted, a small smirk appearing at the corner of his mouth. I grazed his lips teasingly before returning back to my seat on the sofa.

Time passed as we entertained ourselves with food, screens and flirtatious tension. I pulled my connector out and scanned a few pages.

'Dan, give me a second, it's getting late again and I haven't heard from Louise.' he gave a small smile as I went to search Louise's name up, but noticed her reach through to me before I had a chance to get in contact with her.

I accepted her reach, pulling the device towards my words.

'Hey, Louise?' I spoke, my tone seemed to be asking a question more than greeting her.

 _'Hey, Phil...Uh...'_ I waited a while, she seemed anxious to continue, _'Look, I'm sorry, there's no non-shitty way to do this; I'm not coming back._

I was shocked, a startled Dan also stared directly at me.

'Um, uh...okay that's fine, I get it...'

_'You're honestly a great friend to me, I hope you feel the same, but I've been seeing someone else for a while and I'm pregnant with him, Phil. I'm not coming back, I wish you the best of luck, but goodbye.'_

'Oh okay, um...Ev, though?'

_'I'm going to miss him and I don't doubt for one second you won't manage alone, you're a great dad, Phil.'_

'Thanks...I'm not worried about not managing, I just...you're leaving him?'

_'Phil, it hurts like shit but the_ _situation's_ _more complicated than I've made it sound. I'm safe and I hope you are too. Goodbye Phil, thank you.'_

There was a click, and she was gone.

I put the connector onto the table in front of the sofa. I was just in shock.

'You alright, mate?' Dan asked, his body shuffling closer to mine.

'Yeah, just...confused and...that was unexpected. Actually, not really, thinking about it...anyway.'

'At least you believe in fate, Philly. This had to have happened for a reason, right?' he shrugged his shoulders, smiling to no one in particular. I nodded.

His face turned to mine, I winked my eye at him.

'Phil! I doubt fate is the one directing you to fuck me, that's your flirty-as-fuck mind.' I shrugged my shoulder.

'Your words, not mine.' Dan punched my arm as I chuckled, biting my tongue as I did so.

'If our lives _are_ really planned out already, I doubt someone wrote it out to give us the perfect situation to fuck. Also, it was your wink that put the thought in my head!'

'Again, your words not mine.' I shrugged laughing, Dan just shook his head at me.

'Phil?'

'Yeah?'

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'


	11. *Colours

**Dan**

'Favourite colour?'

'Blue. Wait, what? Why?'

I shrugged, 'You can tell a lot about a person by their favourite colour.'

'Like what?'

'You're intelligent. You're mostly calm and you see things practically, but that doesn't stop you from having fun and pointing out shapes in the clouds.'

'Pfft! That's because you know me! You wouldn't be able to give that description on my personality just from my favourite colour.'

'Well, is it accurate?'

'Well, yes...'

'How much?'

'All.' I pointed my finger at him to prove a point.

'I also only met you four days ago.'

'I think that's a lie, I seem to know more about you than I do anyone else.'

'Well then, you just have crap social skills.'

'Oh, can you also tell that about my favourite colour?' he sarcastically joked. I stuck my tongue out at him, 'Okay, what about purple?'

'Someone who likes purple is clever, but can let other things prioritise over that. They might care more about money or themselves than a hug from a family member. This allows them to appreciate things more, though, and they pick out smaller details that others would never see.' Phil smiled at me, chuckling a bit.

'What's your favourite colour?'

'Black.'

'That's miserable.'

'Not really, black is all around us, it goes with anything and everything. It exists purely to make other colours stand out more. Without blackness, we wouldn't have light. A bit like joy. We wouldn't know happiness without pain.' Phil stared at me a bit, considering my point.

'You have a point, but you need to stop existing purely to make others stand out, Dan.'

'Can you tell that from my favourite colour?'

'No, I can tell that from your eyes.' I rested against the sofa for a bit, us both staring straight ahead at the screen wall.

'What else can you tell from my eyes?'

'That you're a loving person who deserves the entire world. Those eyes have the power to stop people from thinking straight, Dan. They also have the power to be the last thought in someone's mind before they go to sleep, but then the first thought that appears in their head the next morning. Or the same morning if he spent the entire night thinking about you so he actually fell asleep at 3am.'

'He?' I smirked towards him.

'I never said that.'

'You did.'

'Well, I doubt it's a surprise. You're breathless, Dan.'

'No I'm not.'

'Yes you are, don't say otherwise, I'd do whatever you told me to because that's what you deserve.'

'If I was breathless, I'd be dead. Is that what I deserve?' Phil scrunched his face up in confusion before he realised what he'd said and what I was getting at. He playfully punched my arm, my tongue sticking out at him as I felt like a smart-ass with my remark.

'No. You don't deserve death, I'd just like to clarify that.' I chuckled at his point, he really did care for me.

'Thanks, Phil.' I turned back away from Phil to face the wall again, 'You'd do anything I told you to? So kiss me.'

Before I could even flinch his lips were against mine, his body pressing against my side.

Phil's left hand held my shoulder as his other held my thigh towards his body. I used this force to move my leg over him, straddling his legs as he pulled my body closer to himself.

I backed away for a second, resting my forehead against his as I took my breath. I stared into his eyes, his favourite colour drowning me in their presence.

I connected my lips to his again, his hands returning a firm grasp on my lower back. I grinded my crotch into his, which I think took him off-guard as it made him release a moan as he threw his dominant hand against the seat of the sofa next to him, gripping his fingers tightly onto the fabric of the cushioning.

He thrust against me this time, making my head tilt backwards, turning my lips away from his and releasing my neck to him, which he took the chance to graze his teeth along my skin.

'Phi-' I began to moan, but he shuffled himself upwards to stand. I unravelled my legs from around his thighs so I could stand. Phil connected our lips again, pushing me into the door of the secondary room as he fumbled around with the sliding function.

He took his lips off of mine for a second to focus. Once the door slid, I shuffled backwards until I felt my knees against his bed, allowing myself to sit on the surface. He caught up to me, standing over my body as I turned my head upwards with the guidance of his fingers against my chin. His lips pressed against mine as he rested his right knee to the side of my hip, supporting himself as he pulled my shirt over my head.

Once mine was off, he pulled his off too, within seconds, giving me access to his entire frontal body. I fumbled around with his belt buckle, releasing it around his waist as I looped my fingers against the waistline of his jeans, caressing the skin beneath the material.

Phil paused as he noticed a scar I had along my body. It ran from my shoulder over my spine and along my back down to the area of my left kidney. He traced it with his finger, kissing my shoulder as he did so.

Phil's hands made their way to my belt as my hands gently grazed the area of his back along his spine. I felt a release around my waist as he pulled me upwards and my jeans down. The loose material was pulled over my ankles, exposing my entire bare body to him, with the exception of my underwear.

I stopped teasing his waistline and pulled his trousers off, too, as he kicked them off of his ankles. His knee returned to the left of my hips, the other also making its way over my body, straddling my crotch as he ground into me.

I groaned, releasing my lips from his and resting my forehead against his collar. I felt the tension from my hardening self against my pants, Phil's also noticeably brushing against mine.

I took in his chest, flowing my hand against his body as he applied pressure to my upper half. I was slowly lowered against the bed, releasing a gasp as the cold fabric ran up my back.

I could feel the tips of his fingers grazing along the elastic of my pants, seemingly reluctant to remove the material. I met my hands to his, guiding my underwear past my thighs, pushing them off once the reached my feet.

I kept my hands against the bed for a minute as I felt Phil's breath regain itself.

'Phil...' he looked into my eyes, a gentle smile forming across his lips as they pecked mine. I caressed the back of his neck before he took both of my hands and guided them along his sides to his underwear, confirming he was comfortable to go further.

I bit my bottom lip to try and control my blush as I pulled his pants passed his waist and onto the floor. I shuffled farther up against the bed, Phil kneeling against the edge.

I felt him lean over, darting my eyes towards the movement to see him reaching over to a side drawer. I slightly grinned as he pulled out a condom and a sealed bottle. My stomach twisted as he leaned back over me. We chuckled together.

'Of course you're prepared.' I groaned through my breathing.

'Aren't you glad.' Phil hummed, making a statement rather than a question.

He pressed towards me, I lifted my legs against his sides as I heard the bottle open, shortly followed by the feeling of a cool substance against my ass.

I moaned, gasping midway as I felt Phil's fingers push into me. My fringe fell into my face as my neck tilted against the bed.

I groaned again as he began to move his fingers around. The sensation was slightly uncomfortable, but the gentleness of his movements made me crave more.

I became used to the sensation, whispering 'Phil' for him to continue, as another finger slipped itself into me. I groaned again, pushing my head closer into the bed. My waist thrust into the movements unexpectedly, catching us both reasonably off-guard. He took this as a hint to move out.

I heard the air of the bottle before Phil held his hands either side of my torso. My breathing became shallow in anticipation, a release of air made its way out of my mouth as I felt his dick touch my entrance.

Phil pushed in, my groaning becoming louder as I craved him to be more inside of me.

He thrust himself into me, the muscles in my body tensing to the new sensation as I made gentle movements of my waist around his length.

After another push, I felt him fully inside of me as my body filled up with him. I gasped, pushing myself onto him.

He re-adjusted himself causing another sensation to erupt throughout my body. I cried out slightly, my body collapsing under myself as I clenched the fabric of the bed. I could sense Phil smiling through his panting as he moved in and out of the same spot.

My abdomen twisted and heated up, but I was reluctant to let go of this moment. Phil started groaning more regularly.

'Dan...' I nodded, hoping he noticed. He seemed to as I felt a substance fill me up as he pumped himself inside me a couple more times, before pulling out. I relaxed my body, also letting myself go as Phil pumped the last of my length out with his hand.

He shuffled higher onto the bed as he collapsed against the surface to my left, pulling me closer to him as I rested my forehead against his shoulder.

Our breathing regulated after a few minutes, the occasional chuckle escaping one of our lips' as we remained lying against each other.

In that moment, I was glad I didn't jump before I lost my virginity.


	12. *Bear

**Phil**

I sat up on the bed next to Dan, hearing him groan in slight frustration at the change in position. I slipped my boxers on as I stood up from the bed, offering a hand out to Dan to do the same. He reluctantly took it, groaning again as he pulled himself upwards. His lips pressed to mine before he slipped his own underwear on and we shuffled into the primary room.

I walked over to Ev, who was sleeping in his hammock, as Dan collapsed against the sofa, obviously uncomfortable in any position that wasn't lying down. I smirked slightly before redirecting my attention back to Ev.

I cradled him in my arms as I took out his bottle from the stocks in the back room. I took a seat next to Dan, allowing him a bit of space as his body was spread out across the entire piece of furniture. Ev sipped away at the bottle and once finished, I flipped him over and applied pressure to his back to release his gas.

I smiled a bit as my baby giggled. Laughing at his gas, definitely my kid. I returned the small figure into his hammock before returning over to Dan who seemed to be drifting off into sleep.

'You alright there?'

'Mm.' he mumbled, groaning slightly.

'Dan, you can't fall asleep you lazy rat.' he looked at me, his arm resting over his forehead to block out some light.

'Why not?'

'It's two pm.'

'So?' he whined. I pouted, causing him to moan as he lifted himself upright against the sofa. His movements were still uncomfortable. I held out an arm for him to lie on my lap, to which he happily accepted, cradling onto me with his head resting on my legs. I stroked his brown curls as I turned the screen wall on.  
  


I didn't know I'd drifted off until I woke up to my stomach rumbling. I'd fallen onto my side against the arm of the chair, Dan cradling my body. Between both of us being the size of giants, we didn't have much space and I was almost completely lying off of the side of the furniture.

'Awake now, sleepy?' he asked as I chuckled, knowing it couldn't have been too long ago since I told Dan not to sleep.

'What time is it?

'Five.' I groaned, realising I'd slept for three hours.

'Shit.' I gasped as I sat up, Dan also raising himself on the chair.

'What?'

'Ev was supposed to eat at four.'

'I took care of it.' I smiled in awe at Dan before ruffling his curly fringe.

'Thank you.' he smiled at me. I'd happily let him be a dad to my kid.

'What are you thinking about?' he asked, catching me off guard. I chuckled.

'Why you asking?'

'You're staring at me like I'm actually the best thing in the world.' he giggled, blushing slightly in the process.

'You are. And I'm thinking about you and Ev.'

'What about us?'

'How you'd be a great dad to him.' Dan opened his mouth in awe, the corners turning upwards a bit.

'I'm only nineteen.' he chuckled, fiddling with his thumbs on his lap.

'And? I can tell whether someone would be good with Ev or not, age doesn't matter; it's maturity.'

An extremely obvious blush had formed against Dan's cheeks, so I decided to move subject.

'Do you want food?' he smiled, nodding. I stood up, making my way to the back room.

'Phil?!' Dan called out.

'Yeah?!' I propped my head around the corner.

'While you're up can you grab my connector from my backpack?'

'Yeah, sure!' I swapped rooms and went into Dan's backpack as the loaves were heating up.

While I was going through his bag, I noticed something fluffy in my reach. I pulled it out, revealing a toy bear. I grinned, walking into the primary room and passing Dan his connector. He turned around, seeing me holding up his stuffed toy. A pout appeared on his face.

'Why did you get Bear out?' he whined.

'It's cute. Imaginative name by the way.' I chuckled.

'I like certainty with _some_ things in my life.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'I dunno! I wasn't imaginative when I was younger.'

'He kind of looks like you.'

'Small and fat?' I burst out a laugh.

'No! Brown, curly and cute.' there was a soft beep, signalling the loaves were done.

'Loaves are done, daddy.' Dan purred, catching me off guard.

'Hopefully you're hungry, _Bear_.' Dan's face turned to pure shock.

'Don't sexualise my childhood!'

'I never said I was!' Dan huffed from the other room as I pulled out the loaves onto a plate.  
  


We'd finished our food and completed the evening with a mixture of modern films and old-time games. Aka screaming at each other.

'Dan, I'm going to head to bed now,' I yawned, shutting off the screens, 'Joining?'

I held out a hand to Dan, which he took, and led him to my room. I kissed Ev goodnight and tucked myself under the covers, the warmth of Dan's body encapsulating me.

'I love you, Phil.'

'I love you bear.' I chuckled, scuffing his curls. He faced me, holding my arm from underneath my shoulder as he stared into my eyes. He pecked my lips before resting his head against my chest, my right arm wrapped around his body as we drifted off to sleep.


	13. *Flip

**Dan**

My eyes fluttered open as I guided my mind into my surroundings. I smiled to myself knowing I'd shared a bed with Phil that night. Talking about Phil...

I patted the surface of the bed, opening my eyes and sitting upright once I noticed he wasn't there. I groaned in annoyance, checking my watch, it was 8 am.

'Phil?!' I shouted out. The secondary door slid open, revealing Phil, who was dressed, holding a half-packed bag. I scrunched up my face in confusion.

'Dan, not panicking you, but we have ten minutes to get out.' I let my mind gather this information for a second, before emotionlessly moving myself out of the bed and slipped on clothes for today.

'Okay, what's going on?' I asked, folding a t-shirt over my body.

'I woke up five minutes ago to a lot of shouting, so I checked outside and there was an incident...' I held his shoulder, zipping up the now filled bag for him.

'Meaning?'

'Dan there's a lot of fucking dead bodies out there.' I bit my lip, nodding and squeezing his shoulder. I grabbed my own rucksack and a bag from the back room which had some basic supplies in. The bag was cutting into my wounds from the metal-shard heart that I clenched the other night. I put the bag down, rubbing my hand down against my thigh.

'I'll take the bag.' Phil commanded, holding a hand out. He already had Ev attached to his front and another rucksack on his bag.

'Let me take Ev then.' I stared up at him as I was crouched down to pick the bag up again to pass to him. He pierced his lips and sighed before giving in and unwrapping Ev.

I attached Ev to my front and zipped my oversized hoodie over the top of him.

'Ready?' Phil asked, tapping a few buttons on the exit door. I nodded as he turned round, hand ready to slide.

I gripped onto his forearm, hurriedly scuttling along with him as we passed ourselves through the street.

We had to keep low, there were submil members around and a lot of people, filled with rage from suffering and despair.

'You two!' we heard a booming voice behind us before we exchanged looks, both charging ourselves down the road, holding onto each other's shoulders so we could individually keep the other one from completely tumbling over.

We heard the steps gaining on us, I turned to Phil who looked _different_. His expression was harsh, his lips bent inwards and eyes set forwards. He looked at me, another odd look passing through him as his eyes flicked for a brief second towards Ev.

'Stop!' the voice was seconds behind us. I saw a brisk movement from my left, Phil's arm had shifted along his body, revealing a metal object I was confident was a gun in his hands. A sharp bang and a dead guy later, we skidded round a corner and slid ourselves down against a fallen brick wall.

We were both heavily panting, one of my hands resting on my knee as the other stroked the lump on my chest which was beginning to sob.

'Shh...' I hushed, rocking my body up and down to calm the baby.

I turned to Phil who still had the expression on his face. The gun was back in his belt, hidden away, as he sat with his back against the wall and his hands to his forehead.

I brought my hand out, resting myself on his shoulder. The expression clicked off, revealing the Phil I knew.

I stared him down, allowing him to take his time to return to himself.

'Dan...' I smiled gently at him, hopefully relieving any pressure he felt to talk to me instantly.

A bit later, his lips began quivering as words tried escaping his mouth.

'Dan, I'm...' I rested my left temple against his shoulder, the weight of my head flowing into his body. 'I'm sorry for that.'

'You flip too?' I asked, curling my knees into his stomach as much as possible with Ev on my front. A small nod escaped his movements.

'Anger, emotionless...like an override on emotion, I guess?' I moved my hand up to stroke his hair.

'It's alright Phil, you know I flip too.' he nodded.

'I get worried afterwards, though, that I was scary. I don't want to be scary Dan.' he curled his knees up to his face as his body began to quiver. I heard small whimpers escape his breathing. 'I have tablets for when it's a long episode, but like then, when I can't take them and the episodes are too short...what happens if I shoot someone I shouldn't do, Dan? What do I do then? How can I prevent that?'

'You act out on anger, I doubt someone you know will get you that angry.'

'But if they _do_ but...' I poked his cheek.

'Hey, just don't socialise with anyone.' I smiled, poking my tongue out, making us both laugh.

'I'm sorry, I'm a wreck sometimes.'

'We all are, Phil...we all are.' he nodded, sighing as we settled back on the wall and stayed there for a while. By my estimates, we were about a five-minute walk away from the outskirts of the city.

'Where should we head, North or South?' he considered this for a while, weighing up the situations.

'Down south is London, which is a danger in itself because of it being the capital...but up north is the base of submil.' he scrunched his mouth up in thought for a while. 'Head down south? The war isn't too bad at the minute and we don't have to go to the actual city.' I nodded, agreeing to his point.

'Okay, if we get the A616 to the M1, we should pass through Leicester and Northampton until we reach London. Milton Keynes and Luton are quite close but far enough away to not be a danger, so we could stay at one of those places along the way?' he nodded, seeming to more agree with the plan I put out rather than having any thought into it.

'To the M1 is about thirty miles, so eleven-hour walk?' I nodded, groaning as I sunk against the wall then picked myself up again. I stood up, holding a hand out to Phil.

'Best we should get going, we could make it before dark.'


	14. *Eye eye, captain

**Phil**

'Wait, we're heading in the wrong direction.' Dan suddenly started to panic. I took his hand, facing him towards me.

'Only by a couple of minutes, I wanted to take you somewhere before we left.' I shuffled closer to him, feeling his body tense up before relaxing.

'Is that safe? We're still in Manchester, after all...' I put my finger to his lip, pulling him around a corner.

It was late October, so it was only beginning to get light. The early glow of the sun echoing colours of purple onto Dan's skin. I stared above him, looking into the brownness of his eyes, before grabbing his arm and pulling him to the large metal structure.

'Phi-' he began, before shutting himself up as he glanced towards the giant wheel. He chuckled, looking down and shaking his head, 'How on earth are we supposed to get on that?'

I wiggled my eyebrows before turning to a mechanism and manoeuvring various handles on the stand. There was a wheezing crank as the structure began to rotate around its central point. I held out a hand to Dan, who shook his head before grasping onto me.

'I'll kill you if you get us killed...wait-' I chuckled, pulling Dan onto the open door of one of the carriages. The frame was slightly rusted with the lingering smell of sweetness in the atmosphere. The paintwork was barely existing, yet in this moment the surroundings matched nothing of my emotions.

'Why did you take me here?' Dan asked, turning his head towards me as he unstrapped sleeping Ev, placing him carefully on the bench. I wrapped my arm around Dan's waist and pulled him towards me, both our bodies facing outwards towards the view of the beaming sunrise.

'To show you that even when the paintwork is crumbling, dead bodies scatter the city, the structure is creaking and the buildings are rubble, the sun still sets and the sun still rises. A day is a day, it's what you do in that day that matters.' we stood in silence, exchanging no words as our bodies tied themselves together. The purple colours had died down, replacing the sky with magnificent blues. Actually, they weren't magnificent and I'd seen them plenty of times, but sometimes they can be appreciated better when you're standing with the soulmate you met a couple of days ago. I chuckled, I'm an idiot.

I suddenly felt a movement in my body as Dan manoeuvred me towards him, pulling us together with his palms on my shoulders. Our lips collided, my body in shock at the sudden change. I relaxed myself, slipping my hands around his waist and pulling his stomach towards me. We stayed like that for a while, not counting how long.

I stepped forwards again, bringing myself closer to Dan, but he wasn't prepared and slipped backwards, pulling both of our bodies down onto the cold floor.

'Shit!' Dan cried, before staring up at me and laughing as we remained on the floor. I lifted my head before lowering my lips back down onto his. I heard the carriage knock against the bottom of the wheel, noticing we'd reached the bottom again. I stood up, offering Dan a hand, to which he took to be lifted up off of the floor. He swiftly cradled Ev in his hands before hopping of off the carriage with me, scurrying down the steps. I turned the wheel off, the black silhouette looming over us as we walked away into the last of the rubbles of Manchester.

'Goodbye, Manchester.' I whispered, stepping out onto the main road.


	15. *I spy

**Phil**

'I spy with my little eye...something beginning with C!' Dan groaned, chuckling a bit as he did so. He gave in, though, and took a breath.

'Creature?'

'Nope.'

'C...camp?'

'You have to actually see it!'

'Oh right, cloud?'

'Yay!' I smiled, poking my tongue out a nudging Dan with my shoulder, 'Your go, your go, your go!'

'Ugh, fine...I spy with my little eye, something beginning with T.'

'Train tracks?'

'No.'

'T-tummy?'

'Tummy?' Dan giggled, 'No...'

'T, th? Things?'

'Yup.'

'Seriously Dan? You chose 'things'?' he shrugged his shoulders, nodding.

'Okay, less abstract next time!'

'Fine...'

'I spy with my little eye, something beginning with P.'

'Phil.'

'Oh.' I was slightly disappointed with how quick he got that...

'I know you too well! I spy with my little eye, something beginning with L.'

'Light?'

'No.'

'Lips?'

'No.'

'Leaves?'

'No.'

'L...legs?'

'No.'

'Hmph...is it abstract again?' he rested his arms against me, turning to face me, which brought us both to a halt.

'Love.' he kissed my lips, being careful of Ev on his waist.

I eventually pulled away, 'That was abstract.' he giggled.

'I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.'

'Bright?'

'No.'

'Bin?'

'No.'

'Bricks?'

'No.'

'Hints?'

'No. Oh, you want a hint...look down.' he scrunched his eyebrows up, before they widened and he turned to face me, slamming my arm, 'Got it?'

'Yes, you bastard.' I giggled, pulling my hand up to cover my mouth.

'What is it?'

'You-seriously? Boner, Phil. Boner.' he shook his head in disbelief at me, 'And I'm supposed to be the-' he stopped, 'Wait, how old are you?'

'Twenty-three.'

'PAEDOPHILE!'

'What do you mean? You're legal!'

'I'm four years younger than you! Your basically my dad!'

'Daddy.' his eyes widened at me again.

'You're actually a massive flirty-shit.'

'Your dick's not complaining!' he punched my arm.

'PHIL!' I giggled again, before checking my watch.

'It's seven, when we find somewhere to camp, let's stop.' he nodded.

'Are we pitching camp or-?'

'I have a tent, but it's still best to get somewhere hidden.' he nodded.

After a while, we pulled up to an old petrol station,

'Creepy.'

'Yup. In or out?' Dan asked.

'Let's check inside, first.'

We poked our heads inside, but we quickly noticed there was nothing left in there: the shelves were empty and non-existent, any appliances (like freezers) were obviously missing...it was literally just an open space.

'Thank God, there's a toilet!' Dan excitedly jumped. He scuttled around, taking my hand in his as he did so. Again, it was pretty much empty. The toilets and sinks were there, but apart from that it was bare; definitely no people in sight.

Dan slid into a cubicle as I took Ev from him and pulled out some basic supplies from the backpacks.

'Ahhhhh.' Dan moaned.

'Dan, don't be so loud when peeing.'

'I needed a piss, mate.'

'It's fine, I already know how loud your moaning can be.' I slightly mumbled.

'Phil!' not that quietly, though! 'You cheeky shit.'

The cubicle door slid open and Dan fumbled around with the taps to get his hands clean. He flicked some water at me from his fists, to which I threw crackers at his forehead.

'Don't break them!'

'Not my fault your head's made of wood!' he gasped, hand over his chest over-dramatically.

'That was quick Mr Lester! I'm impressed.' I winked at him, taking his hands for him to follow me into the other section of the petrol station.

We pulled up the tent, not bothering to peg it as we were indoors, and settled inside. I made a nest for Ev out of blankets, whereas Dan and I had two flat air mattresses rolled out onto the floor, pushed together.

We lied down together, I sat cradling his body, stroking his hair as I did so.

The only sound was our breathing and the occasional whimper from Ev.

'I love you.'

'I love you Phil.' we lied together for a few minutes, resting together and not having a worry in the world.

Then there were footsteps.

Dan turned to me, his eyes wide with fear. I covered his mouth with my palm, kissing his forehead.

'Hello?' the voice came, it was seemingly female and around twenty years old.

'Shut up.' another voice came, it was male and quite a bit older. I poked my head out, hiding the hand that I had my gun gripped in. I could hear Dan's breathing become heavier and more hastened.

'Dad.' the female voice spoke to the man. Father and daughter, if I assumed correctly.

'Hostile or happy?'

'Happy, we just came in here to camp up for the night so we can continue travelling tomorrow.' the man nodded, pulling his gun down to his side, which was previously slightly raised. I also pulled my gun in front of me so I wasn't hiding it. That could come off as hostile.

'That was our plan.' the man nodded. The girl was squinting her eyes at me, trying to work something out, 'Are you alone?'

'No, my boyfriend and baby are in the tent.' the girl's face widened a bit in some sort of shock or recognition.

'Right, it's just us two. Guns away?' I nodded, slipping mine into my belt, he did the same.

'Mate, I honestly just want to camp here tonight. Feel free to take the other side of this room, but hurt my family or steal my stuff and I'll shoot.'

'Same rules apply.' he nodded towards me. I held my hand out towards him, he took it in his fist and shook it.

'Name's Andy. This is Grace.' his accent was the typical British one, so I assumed he was somewhat local. His darker-toned skin made my vampire-self look invisible.

'I'm Phil, in here is Dan, my boyfriend, and Ev.' Grace was biting her lip, shuffling foot to foot.

'Good to meet you guys, good luck.' he nodded and turned away, planning out his pitch for the night.

Dan crawled out of the tent and sat by me. We wanted to look casual, but were also nervous about the two staying. We were using chalk on the floor to mark out noughts and crosses, passing time by, when I heard footsteps approaching.

'Hey, Grace!' I smiled, looking upwards.

'Hey.' she stepped from foot to foot and took a breath, 'Okay, I feel really weird right now but it's amazingphil, isn't it?' I smiled, nodding. Her eyes starting watering.

'Oh my God, Grace.' I stood up, holding her in a hug and she burst out into tears.

'Grace-?' her dad poked his head out of their shelter, 'What's?' she sniffled, backing away from me.

'Dad, it's Phil. Amazingphil. The guy Lucy-' his face changed from concerned to completely dropped. His mouth was opened and his eyes had gone wide.

'I'm-' his eyes even started watering, 'Sorry, this might seem really odd...um, I had another daughter...she didn't make it. She had really bad anxiety, which ended up causing her to freeze when we needed to run once...she was shot. But, well...until then, she'd watch your videos. You made her laugh.' he was looking at the floor, his face explaining his grief for him, 'Thank you, you did something for her I never could.' I gave him a small smile, nodding.

'You're gay?' Grace sputtered out. I nodded, a true smile form on my face from the relief of the change in situation but also at the random question. I nodded, 'Damn, there goes my chances.' she chuckled, giving me a slight wink to which my face became reddened.

'Grace!' her dad barked.

'Joking Dad! I'm not joking.' she winked again.

'Bitch, you better be, he's mine!' Dan called from his seat on the floor. He clicked his fingers as he spoke to emphasise his sass.

'Yeah, shame your taken as well. Bye guys!' she chuckled, walking away. I turned to Dan, whose face had turned slightly pink.

'Noughts and crosses?' I suggested, shrugging and slightly chuckling at our awkwardness.

'Guess so, we're not making out tonight seeming we have neighbours, anyway.'

'Dan!' I kicked his leg gently, 'Tomorrow...' I slipped into the tent, pulling him in.

'Round three!'

For noughts and crosses, not making out.


	16. *Turning to the stars

**Dan**

I woke up in the night to Ev whimpering. I sighed, pulling him from the make-do bed into my arms.

'Shhh.' I hushed into his ear. I felt Phil stirring beside me so I unzipped the tent and slipped on a jacket, making my way towards the doors, with Ev. I sat just outside, feeling the cool air brush my arms, holding Phil's baby firmly to my body as his whimpering became louder.

' _Take your grip around the bitter night,_

_Hold it tight and keep it in your sight._

_What seems dark here,_

_Will surely come around,_

_And ending all your fears,_

_Your happiness would be found._

_Don't shed any sadness tears,_

_For I am here with you,_

_And won't let you have any fright, tonight..._ '

'You listened?' I turned round to Phil standing in the doorway, a jacket hanging over his shoulders.

I nodded my head, 'I heard you sing it to Ev a couple of nights ago.'

'You have a good memory.'

'I really don't, but it was as if you were singing the song to me. I remember everything you do, anyway.'

'You're cute.'

'I know.' I grinned, closing my eyes at Phil as I did so. I felt him bend down, his lips became pressed against mine, 'It also sounded fucking creepy.' I muttered into the kiss.

'I wasn't going to say anything.' I chuckled at his words.

There was a moment of silence as Phil perched himself next to me. His back was pressed against the doorway and his legs were outstretched towards me.

'Do you want me to take him?' Phil asked, pointing his head towards Ev. I shook my head gently.

'I'm alright.' he nodded, looking out into the distance.

'Dan?'

'Hm?' I turned my attention from the baby to Phil, who was still staring outwards.

'If I ever flip, and I've put you or Ev in danger, please take Ev and leave.'

'Phil, I would strap you down until we were safe, if I had to. I couldn't imagine being without you now that I have you.'

'Just, please promise?' I nodded, Phil turned his head towards me.

'I promise.' his lips moved as to say _thanks_.

'There's one upside to the war: the stars.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, before the war there were lights everywhere, you couldn't make out the stars, they were drowned out by artificial stars. Don't you remember?' I shook my head.

'I was two when the war began.'

'Oh, I forgot that I was four years older than you, I was six.'

'You forgot you were a paedophile?' I made as a cheeky remark. Phil let out a quiet snort, shaking his head at me.

'Yes Dan, I forgot that you being a few years younger than me and one-hundred percent legal makes me a paedophile.' his tone of voice suggested nothing but sarcasm.

'Glad we're on the same page, at least.' I grinned at him, biting my tongue between my teeth.

Phil leant into me, pecking my lips before collapsing backwards again.

'What are you doing up, anyway?' I asked.

'Your not exactly a mouse, you obnoxiously loud, clumsy goose.'

'Goose?'

'Goose.'

He licked his lips and looked out into the distance again.

'What about you?' he asked, I answered with a shrug.

'I woke up to Ev, I think. Slightly flipped as well, but might just be tired.'

'I love you.'

'I love you, too.' something was off about Phil, but it was 2 am, so I wasn't surprised.

'If I could be anything apart from a person, I'd be a star. You live for millions of years, just observing. You watch the world go by, different people arrive, different people leave. The same people, but different people. The people that enter the world aren't the same as when they leave. A baby is innocent, clueless and judged by nothing. An elderly person has the weight of the world on their shoulders, guilt, hatred and pain, but if they've lived the right way, calmness and love. If they've lived correctly, they would have observed the negatives, but lived in the positives. I say observe the negatives because if you completely ignore them, you disregard yourself; you can't become a better person if you don't look at the faults, that's a psychopath. You gain some sort of knowledge every second, so say you live for eighty years, that's sixty seconds, times by sixty minutes, times by twenty-four hours, times by three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, times by eighty years, which is...'

'A lifetime.'

'Wrong. A life is the time in a life, not the time _of_ a life. It's not a measurement of time, but a measurement of moments. Sixty by sixty by twenty-four by three-hundred-and-sixty-five by eighty is two point five billion times the amount of knowledge an eighty-year-old has compared to a newborn. That's if they didn't waste any time in their life, or weren't restricted by any conditions to not constantly gain knowledge.'

'Phil, where did this come from?'

'My head?'

'No, where in your head?' he pointed to his head, shrugging his shoulders. I just chuckled at no one in particular.

'There's my point.'

'What point?'

'How can someone so happy and _you_ go from being like,' I waved my arms in the air motioning Phil, 'To _that_?' I said, pointing to his brain.

'You can't be happy without contemplating the point of the universe, otherwise you're just being blinded by yourself to be truly happy. You can't be your happiest without knowing your saddest.'

I just glared at Phil, not in hostility, but wondering who the hell the man I'd fallen in love _actually_ was.

'Favourite memory?'

'What?'

'What's your favourite memory?'

'Why should I pick?'

'I want to find out who my soulmate is, so what's your favourite memory?'

'Making bullets out of food with my parents and seeing if we could shoot them.'

'What the hell?' I laughed, he smiled at me.

'Yours?'

'Hanging by my knees upside-down on a tree, claiming I was a grapevine. I fell.' I fiddled with my thumbs, 'Most important moment of your life? That's hard, top three.'

'Losing my family, having my kids, meeting you.' he marked out the memory on his hands by counting with his fingers.

'Being born, dark years, meeting you.'

'Dark years?' I pulled my finger to my lips to hush him.

'If I'm your soulmate, I should find out.'

'Not today, it'd be inconvenient for me to cry tonight.'

'My question now, favourite animal?'

'How is this relevant- fine, I won't question it. Llamas.'

'Llamas? What the hell are they?'

'Extinct fluffy miniature giraffes that spit.'

'So you?'

'Oi, bastard!'

'Mine's lions. They're brave and independent, yet rely on others in their pride to live. They're also lazy and lie around all day.'

'Your spirit animal!'

'Hey!'

'I knew that already.'

'Knew what?'

'The lion thing.'

'How?'

'You have a wetube channel.'

'Oh yeah, I forgot about that.'

'You need to post.'

'I should. You should start a channel.'

'I have one.' his face lit up/

'Seriously?!'

'Yeah, only like nine-thousand subscribers, but hopefully that's nine k that I'm helping feel happier.'

'What's your channel?'

'Danisnotonfire-' I stopped, turning to him.

'Dejavu.' we both whispered. My eyes widened with Phil's, be both just awkwardly laughed it off, turning back to the stars.

'We should collaborate.' he smiled, I nodded. Who could refuse his smile? He pulled out his connector, to which I saw him open the yellow symbol of the wetube extension.

'NO!' I kicked the device out of his hands with my foot, gripping onto Ev as I toppled over.

Phil sat there, startled.

'It's possessed.' he just nodded. Five days in and he was already used to my crap.


	17. *My Lion

**Phil**

I opened up the wetube extension key to search 'Danisnotonfire', when I felt a sudden pressure to my grip on the connector, to which it suddenly skidded across the floor.

'NO! IT'S POSSESSED!' I just chuckled in shock, shaking my head and not arguing against it.

There was a gentle tap of feet behind us as Dan and I turned around to see Grace jogging towards us.

'Hi guys! Can I-?' she pointed her head to the floor, asking for a seat. We both nodded, Dan shuffled round to give her a bit of space by the door, 'What you guys doing?'

'Contemplating life.' Dan simply stated. She went to say something, but just breathed it back in and nodded.

'Why are you up?' I asked.

'It's 7 am, why wouldn't I?' Dan and I exchanged a look before looking around. We hadn't noticed but the night had turned to day and the time had passed by.

'Shit, we're supposed to be walking for eleven hours tonight and I'm on five hours sleep.' Dan complained, collapsing onto his back and groaning, 'I blame it on you, Phil!'

'Why me?!'

'You kept me up talking about stars for goodness knows how long!' I giggled, standing up and offering Dan a hand. He groaned again before taking it and letting me pull up his entire body weight.

'Should we pack up and get going, then?'

'Yeah, I need a piss and food first.' Dan stated, walking off into the tent.

Grace stood up, putting her hand in her pocket and pulling out a small lion toy.

'Have it. It's yours. Lucy kept it with her, saying it was your favourite animal and she wanted something that reminded her to be happy on her at all times.' I smiled, taking it and ruffling the plastic hair strands on the little guy's head.

'Thank you. What's his name?'

'She never named it, it was just _her lion_.'

'Then I will continue on the creativity, the little one's name is Lion.'

'Thank you.' she whispered, before tearing up and walking away, hands in pockets and shoulder hunched over.

'Good luck, Grace.'

'You too, Phil.' she barely audibly spoke. But I heard it, and that's all that was needed.

'PHIL?!'

'Yeah?'

'Are you going to help pack?' Dan asked.

'Coming.' I walked over, pulling out the equipment from the tent and rolling it back into our rucksacks. Dan took down the tent in the meantime. I helped secure Ev round his front, then I pulled our bags onto my body and took a breath in.

'Ready?'

'Ready.'

We stepped out of the petrol station, continuing down the A616 for a couple of miles. The best part about following main roads, is that although it might take longer than just cutting across the fields, it was easier to walk on, and you were almost guaranteed you knew where you were going.

'What's that?' Dan asked me, hinting towards the lion which poked out of my pocket.

'Grace gave it to me, it was her sister's.'

'Awe.' Dan smiled, staring at the small toy.

Dan began kicking a small stone across the road, eventually kicking it fully off course and pouting at me.

'Don't look at me like that, you kicked it off!'

'I named it Jared and he had a family and kids, I was kicking him back home.'

'Jared's dead now.'

'You're dead to me now, too.' I put my hand where my heart would be, over my chest, and pulled a shocked face, pretending to be offended. In return, Dan playfully punched my arm before looking at the road again. His face lit up.

'WE'RE AT THE CROSSING! Allelooeeyar!' he was referring to the crossing over onto the M1, but I was too amused at his pronunciation of _Alleluia._

'Allelooeeyar? Do you mean Alleluia?' I asked, laughing to myself.

'That's what I said.'

'You said al-el-oo-ee-yarr. It's al-ell-oo-yah.' he shrugged his shoulder.

I chuckled.

'What?' he turned to me, asking.

'I'm just, out of all the moments in my life, _this_ is what I focus on?'

'What do you mean? Of course you focus on the moments you're living.'

'It's more than that. I'm aware of this moment and I'm _living_ it, it's not just being lived.'

'Don't go all 2 am existential on me again, mister. I need my rest this time.' Dan complained.

'What rest? We're walking.' I said.

'Hushhh...' he whispered, pulling his index finger to my lips. I pulled it away and kissed his mouth, my body twisting from the side of his to make sure he didn't crush Ev.

'It's a round-about to get onto the M1, so there should be services nearby, want to rest?'

'Don't even ask. Yes.'

Life's weird, and I don't even know what I mean by that anymore.


	18. *Save me

**Dan**

We walked around the round-about and came to a service station. It wasn't anything great, there was the typical Burger King, Premier Inn and petrol station all clustered together around a parking lot. There was a foresty area off into the distance.

'What you fancy going to?' I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets and sighing.

'Honestly, I doubt there's any people around. Forest is too risky with nuked creatures, I don't want to stay there for a night, so we could try the premier inn? I doubt anything's left in there, though.' I shifted from foot to foot, listening to Phil's reply.

'Sure.' I shrugged, taking off into the building.

We entered the doorways, forcing the turned-off automatic doors open, as Phil flicked his torch out of his bag. Turning it on, we went into the back to look for some lighting.

'Nothing here, should we just get a key and find a room to camp?' I asked, his reply being a nod that was barely visible in the shitty lighting.

We picked up a key for the second floor and jogged up the stairs. I say jogged, it was more hurriedly walk up because we were paranoid about someone or _something_ being behind us, but we didn't fully understand the concept of stairs so kept tripping over our own feet.

'two-oh-three, here.' Phil swiped the key on the pad, we heard a click. I shrugged, glad that at least the lock system was working, so we'd be more secure in here.

He slotted the key card into the inside pocket, to activate electricity in the room, and flipped the switch. Nothing happened, though, since it was most likely that the entire electric system was off.

Phil planted a few light beams around the room to expand the lighting so we could see each other, not that we needed to.

After a while of sitting around and amusing ourselves, I yawned, climbing onto our mats (since the beds were no longer in the room, along with any other removable item) and pulling the sheets over my body.

'Night Phil.'

'Night Danny.' I stuck my middle finger up at him and curled onto my side. I watched Phil organise Ev as I drifted off into sleep.  
  


***

It's scary. Frightening. It's the kind of fear that engulfs you and keeps yourself tied to the surface you're against. It's the type of fear that grips your insides and clamps them all together, causing a stiffness to run itself through your entire vessel.

It's the fear of when you wake up and you're alone.

But you shouldn't be.

I threw my hands out to the side, raising my body hastily off of the mats and stared around.

I assessed what was happening: there was one bag left, which was my bag. Phil had taken everything else.

Phil had taken off.

Every thought and doubt that he took off because he doesn't like me, or any thoughts that he left because he found me a nuisance, they were blocked out and strapped down to a surface far away, because this wasn't a fucking story and I actually had a brain. I knew Phil and I had the sense that he wouldn't walk dozens of miles with me away from his home just to ditch me. I also knew that Phil flips and he had taken Ev.

I grabbed my bag and threw it on my back, dragging the mat against the floor as I ran across the hotel corridor, rolling it up as I went. I stumbled down the stairs and out of the door.

I had to think Phil.  
  


I was wiped out for a second or two, my body becoming stiff and an overwhelming sense of sickness flooding my veins. I'm sure I would have visibly turned white.

The forest.

I shook every emotion away and powered my body into full drive mode to run towards the area, my only instincts to be to _find Phil._

I knew Phil flipped but we hadn't discussed it much and we should, because I don't know what he wants to do when he flips.

But if it were any flip like mine, the forest would be appealing.

Any weapon or method of self-destruction is appealing.

My feet were already off towards the forest, the gun I kept in my backpack firmly strapped onto my belt. Just a precaution.

I held back the temptation to shout for Phil, knowing it could only draw unwanted attention.

But then I heard it.

Then I heard him.


	19. *Forest

**Phil**

_Wake up._

_It doesn't matter what you think right now, you know what you are._

_You know Dan doesn't like you._

_Dan's avoiding you._

_Stay away from those, those do nothing, Phil._

_The pills are illusions._

_Stare at them, because you know you've taken them way too much._

_They're a sign of weakness._

_Dan thinks you're weak._

_You know Dan's wanted to leave you the last couple of days._

_But you dragged him out of the house and he's reliant on you to survive._

_He will leave soon, you're just holding him back._

_You could leave him, do a favour._

_Pack everything up and go._

_You're supposed to be doing this._

_Take Ev, he shouldn't be left on Dan as a responsibility._

_He's a kid, but someone will find him._

_He'll be looked after by a worthy person._

_Someone who wants him and deserves him._

_You just want him._

_Just like you do Dan._

_You can't help either in any way._

_Because you're just Phil._

_You'll abandon everyone one day anyway._

_So do it today._

_The sludgy mud under your feet is more solid than your emotions._

_You're a mess._

_The world weighs on your shoulders like it's all your fault._

_But you're just taking the blame for everything because you have nothing else to do._

_Because what can someone like you do?_

_Tie the rope._

_Because that way, at least you'll tell someone else you realised what life is._

_Stop shaking, idiot._

_Because you're only shaking because you're weak._

_You've always been weak._

_You make others weak._

_Look how Dan was before, he was strong and independent._

_He was surviving._

_Now he's weak and vulnerable._

_Because you decided to save him._

_But your idea of being saved isn't the correct one._

_You just tell yourself what you perceive is right and wrong._

_But, the only way to truly know what is, is to have evidence._

_What evidence do you have that Dan wasn't actually strong before?_

_What happens if death is being strong, and you let him become weak by holding him back?_

Because he was lost, you could see it in his eyes.

_He was becoming stronger, like you are now._

If being stronger is letting go of every hope you have to be happy-

_It's finding the strength to let yourself be truly happy._

Says who?

_Says me._

Who are you?

There was a sudden pressure against my body as I fell backwards.

'FUCK!' I shouted, my head pounding as my vision was hazy. It was as if a giant shadow had been cast in front of my vision.

I heard the growl and tried to make sense of what was going on. My arm was screaming that it was in agony, but the pain was hardly noticeable. The red substance that leaked onto the pale grass also shouted that I should do something to defend myself, but frankly, I'd given up.

I heard footsteps, knowing that sound only too well.

Not now.

'Phil!' Dan. I shut my eyes, hoping everything would be over. I didn't know what I meant by over and what I wanted, I only knew it wasn't this.

I turned to see Dan, trembling as a metal object was gripped in between his fingers. The fear in his eyes. I tried to mumble.

'Dan, don't. It's not worth it. I'm not.'

But then there was a sharp sound, sending the nuked hound off of my body and onto the white grass to my side. The dust from the ground spitting upwards and outwards as the corpse of the creature skidded along the surface.

I felt Dan's hand against mine, something immediately flicking inside of me. My eyes stopped feeling tired, but my body was still weighed down.

He let go of my hand and tended to my wound, wrapping it in fabric from one of his shirts and making a basic sling across my neck.

I panicked, before noticing Ev already strapped to his chest.

I dropped my child on the impact of the creature, so he wouldn't have fallen far, both from me and my grasp against the floor.

I helped Dan lift me by pushing my body weight forwards. which shifted my gravitational point away from my back, making myself lighter for him to pick up. The knife that he used to kill the creature slotted back into his belt.

I kept my body cradled into Dan's as we walked out of the forest and back into the hotel, to which he rested me onto a chair in the lobby. He unstrapped Ev and gently placed him onto a chair, kneeling by mine and emptying the contents of my bag onto the floor. He found a bottle: my tablet bottle, and popped the cap off.

He took one out, pressing it to my lips which I swallowed without thinking. My head lied back against the top of the chair, my body sinking in as Dan returned to tending my arm.

I felt useless. I _was_ useless. There was nothing I could physically or mentally do right now, so I let myself collapse and the pressure of the air drown me. 

I passed out, conscious of my surroundings and actions, but had given all my physical and mental connections to the world away. For the few minutes I was useless, I was just the vessel of Phil.

Nothing more, nothing less.


	20. *Pinof

**Dan**

The next few days I worked with every inch of my body to keep Phil happy. I would have shed my own blood if it came to that. I had a point to life at the minute: to keep this innocent being alive and well. If I failed at that, there was nothing left.

He kept me from switching within those few days, too, since I was too distracted myself. We made it down south, we were somewhere near Milton Keynes, but a dozen miles north. Our small camp was set up inside a building, which was an office of some sort. The population of the world was at least only a remaining third of what was before the nuclear weaponry war, but the numbers seemed to be slowing down in decreasing the last year or so. I guess the big war bosses had given up themselves.

Nope, bring the mind back, not given up. I've not given up. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil.

Phil.

I felt a poke to my cheek.

'What?' I chuckled, turning to Phil who was lying on the mats, body propped up with his left elbow.

'You're thinking.'

'Not anymore, spoon.' I smiled slightly, looking into the eyes of the one who made me believe in fate. Soft whimpers came from the nest beside us, so I took the four-month-old out and cradled him to my body.

'I love you.' Phil whispered, placing a kiss to the side of my mouth before curling up to the side of my body.

'I love you, too. You always say that when I'm holding Ev, I'll do so more often.' I giggled, bringing the baby closer to me.

'Are you sniffing him?' I nodded, I loved his smell. It was like Phil's, but softer, like powder in a way. He smelled a bit like me, too.

I pulled my connector out from my belt, checking twatter for something to do. I noticed Phil do the same, so it was just us leaning against each other, passing the time being anti-socially social. I'd like to think we were like this all the time in another universe. In an alternate timeline.

I searched 'amazingphil' into the bar, seeing what recent twaits he had towards him.

_M8, ya dead?_

_Dead? Alive? Banging up a gal?_

_I'll marry you to get you back online._ No, you won't, twat. He's mine.

'Phil?'

'Hmm.'

'Do you want to broadcast?'

'Now?'

'Yeah, we could do it together.' he smirked, raising an eyebrow, 'Not _that_. Later, at least...' he stuck his tongue out, jabbing my side with his finger.

'Sure, we're doing nothing else. What should we do?'

'We could ask twatter some questions?' he shrugged, nodding before sitting upwards. I went into our bags to take out the camera pod and set it up in front of us, Phil was sending out a twait to his followers.

I'd finished, so I sat back and got back onto my connector, searching trending.

Apart from the war shit, there was really nothing interesting. A famous person got themselves in trouble, but that was all in the top five recents. I scrolled down to the top ten.

_Growing wetube sensation 'amazingphil', presumed dead after four-month disappearance, is sighted._

I scrunched my eyes up, this is news? Like, Phil _is_ amazing, but the...Phil...he was...this Phil's mine, so what? I chuckled, clicking on the article.

_Growing wetube sensation 'amazingphil' (with a rising number of 500k followers), was presumed dead after four-month disappearance. Recently, as shown in the picture below, he was spotted travelling across the UK. In the picture is less-widely known wetube user 'dan is not on fire' and a baby._

'Ready?' Phil asked.

'Mmhmm.' I nodded, trying to grasp the news a bit. It was one thing hearing about news like this, but being in it? That's fucking weird.

I turned the camera on, leaving over it, trying to work the thing out.

'Is it on?' I asked, staring right into the lens.

'Yes, and now the audience has a lovely view of you staring intensely at them.'

'Lovely, who doesn't want that?' I chuckled, falling backwards and sitting next to Phil.

I had a piece of paper that I'd scribbled a few of the twatter questions onto earlier, gripped tightly in my palms.

'Where have you been?'

'Your mum...! I feel as if this is going to be many of the questions.' I chuckled again, shaking my head as I did so.

'Who the fuck is the Dan guy?'

'Him!' Phil spoke, pointing both fingers at me. I just awkwardly waved at the camera, smiling like I was being forced into a family photo of some sort.

'Can I stroke your glabella?' 

'What's a glabella?' I shrugged my shoulders, laughing at everything.

'Are you secretly cats?' my eyes widened. I scrambled through our bags before pulling out a permanent marker labelled bluntie. I turned to Phil, evilly grinning, before pinning him down and carving cat whiskers onto his face.

'That was painful. Your turn Danny boy.' we continued the rest of the video with dodgy cat whiskers burning into our skin.

'What noise does a giraffe make?'

'What's a giraffe?' Phil asks, throwing his lion at the camera, making it fall onto the floor.

'You're an idiot.'

'Correct!' we set the camera back up and sat back down.

'A giraffe is the animal with a really long neck.'

'Oh, the spotty thing?' I nodded, Phil just made an abundance of noises somewhat resembling a dying carcass.

'Would you lose your nose or your leg?'

'Leg, it would be awkward but I could live off Dan.'

'Would I be providing for you, or are you eating me now?'

'Both!' I scrunched my eyes at him, somewhat considering what he was saying.

'Imagine me without a nose.'

'It could be pretty hot.'

'I'm surprised there isn't a film with a character without a nose; that's discrimination.'

'Poor noseless people.'

'I'd bang you without a nose.'

'You'd bang me anyway.' I chuckled.

'More like the other way.' I widened my eyes at him, he sat there chuckling with his tongue sticking out of his mouth.

'We're editing that out.'

'Fine!'

'Who's baby is that, did you get Dan pregnant?'

'Yes!' I shoved a pillow under my shirt and acted out giving birth. Phil sat there shaking his head at me, pointing at me to the camera as if to say _this guy_. I held up lion, 'I birthed him!' before shoving the toy into my mouth.

'Je mange le petite enfant.'

'Tu as en prostitute.'

'Yes.'

'Plot twist.'

We ended the video, linking our arms and shaping hearts with our fingers.

'Bye!' we sang in unison.

Although I had a pretty good feeling that this was just the start.


	21. *why

hes missing hes gone. i dont know what to do and i cant think because hes been gone for days and i dont even know where to start looking for him, ive heard nothing from him and i miss him so fucking much and im scared to be without him, i havent stopped crying which probably isnt helpful because i cant function when im crying but i dont know what else to do right now. ive tried reaching out to my followers and theyre also keeping an eye out for him and i think hes trending but that means nothing to me whatsoever because i just fucking want him back because i love him. i keep thinking its my fault and i did something wrong but i cant remember doing anything and what if hes not comnig back? is he dead? i cant cope if hes dead i would kill myself. why would fate bring us together just to rip us apart again? hes got to be alive he has to be. i need him and ev needs his dad. im sorry i shouldve probably have given context bu ti cant im sorry and i dont know what to do because i cant survive wihtout him i dont know how to anymore.

again im sorry and ill give context. i skipped months im sorry but i need to tell someone, but frankly ev doesnt feel like the best listener.

Dan's missing. It's been three months since we broadcasted pinof. He's been gone for eight days. If he reads this, I love you. Please be alive and safe, I understand you might not want me anymore, but just let me know you're safe.

That's all I want.

I love you.


	22. *Two months earlier

**Dan**

I sat up inside of the tent, feeling Phil's body radiate heat from underneath the covers. I smiled, holding myself up right next to him. My hand gently placed itself against his cheek, stroking my finger against his face as I planted a kiss on his forehead.

'I love you.' I whispered, before turning to Ev and shuffling him over into my arms.

'I love you, too.' my head quickly turned towards Phil, whom was still facing away from me.

'Why are you up?' I questioned, shuffling backwards on the bed mats with Ev firmly cradled against my chest. Phil heaved himself onto his back, clearly still being dragged down by the weight of sleep.

'I felt you moving,' he smiled at me, taking my hand in his, 'What are you doing up?' I chuckled, checking the time again, which seemed to be slowly moving from 4am.

'I just woke up, not sure why.' I smiled back, gently rocking Ev up and down in my arms.

'As long as you're safe and alright?' Phil asked. I turned to face him again, nodding as I felt my fringe fall in front of my eye. He reached up to tuck it back behind my ear, staring intensely into my eyes as he did so.

'Promise you, I'm fine. Just a night owl.' I chuckled a bit, looking back down towards the baby.

'Ahbubuh.' he gently mumbled from his sleep, opening his eyes carefully. I watched his little toes spread out from each other, then relaxing again as his body went limp.

'Abuba.' Phil giggled back, sitting upwards and holding his hand in his fingers. The two looked so out of sync, the miniature-sized human seemingly impossible to grow to the size of Phil. Ev looked towards Phil, puffing his cheeks outwards and giggling. I took a deep breath, admiring the two of them.

I placed Ev on his belly on the bed mats, lying on my side next to him, making sure he was safe. He still couldn't lift his entire body, but he seemed quite happy flopping and waving his limbs in bizarre manoeuvres across himself.

The night was quiet. The wind was hushed into nothing but a mere breeze and there were no scurries of wild animals across the concrete pavements, darting from one place to another. I'd imagine stars spread across the top of the polyester tent, echoing the calmness from within its sheets of material. I scooped Ev back into my arms, letting him onto his back into his nest, taking note of the two white dots forming in his gums and how that made the last few nights' sleepless hours make sense. My body shifted over Phil, leaning onto him and cradling myself against his topless body. His hand grazed along my spine, sending warm shivers across my body. I sighed, wrapping my arm around his waist and turning to look into his eyes, which were already staring intensely at me.

We had no words to say, no inside jokes or sarcastic remarks with the other, no chuckles into nothing or unintended innuendos. It was just the three of us, enclosed into fabric and protecting us from everything outside; the rest of our lives, for one. But for now, it was just us that mattered. Phil's eyes of an array of oceanic colours washing into my own brown pits. Not the most articulate way of describing my own orbs, but unlike Phil's, I didn't spend hours of each day analysing every millionth of a millimetre, allowing me to form hundreds of words to just a few colours. Ev's eyes stared directly upwards, almost as if he was staring at the stars above. Which however, was impossible, since there was metres worth of brickwork and fabric separating the child from the heavens; as well as two dorky dads who'd go to the lengths of the universe to protect him.

I hope he knows that. That despite him not genetically being mine and how I was non-existent to his life until a few months in, I _would_ go to the ends of the universes to protect him. That's even if there are ends to the universes, if not, it only gives a more accurate representation of my soul's protection over him. I hope he knows that, despite every misfortune that may come our way and the risks that inevitably lie in his future, I will always choose to be there with him and pass him through life's troubles on my shoulders, his little hands encapsulated in my own. I hope he knows that, whatever shit he goes through, puts himself through or feels, I would take it onto myself if it meant that he was happy and enjoying this crappy world to as much extent as humanly impossible. I wonder how it's possible for me to feel so strongly towards him, when he isn't bound to me with our similarities in DNA and when I've known him little over a month and a half. I can't imagine the devastation Phil felt when he lost his first, while knowing this is how a parent can feel to their child. Does Phil feel more strongly attached to Ev than me, being his biological father, or is it just the same? Are our protection needs over him just as strongly shared with him as it is each other?

I remember when I was a teenager, shit not even two months ago, in all fairness, and how when my parents were around. I always thought I meant nothing and was nothing but a mere burden and pressure on them, another thing to stress them out. The way I look at Ev, and the glances I exchange with Phil, I only know now that they did truly love me, and that this nurturing-desire I have over Ev, is just the same as they felt towards me. Now I just feel shit, knowing the pain and _betrayal_ I would feel if Ev pulled a gun out on me as I did so to my parents.

I can hold a gun and see one, but as soon as the finger of any person presses towards the trigger, it's as if a wave of guilt, panic and hatred towards myself flood into my body and immobilise me; drowning myself in my own feelings. I feel ashamed about this, not because I feel emasculated by not being able to handle a death-machine properly or that I feel weak, but because I experience this sense of drowning, but not because of my own experience I had with my family. I didn't shoot any of them, the three wonders who I miss, but I did press the metal barrel against the side of the head of the woman who gifted me life. Then I ran and joined the sub mil, tricked into their inhumane and unjust slavery. In fact, I was gripping guns in my palms for years after that event. I wounded a few people with bullets, all of whom I know survived, but there are three faces I shan't ever forgive myself for.

A family of three, just like Phil, Ev and I. Mother, father and son, stood in the doorway as the team I was in sped into their house and ransacked everything they'd ever known to live for. I had one command and one command only: shoot if they attempt to run. They did. Now they're dead. I try to excuse myself by saying that I was commanded to, that my natural instincts led me to obey my command and that I was fearing death, which would have very much been the end of me if I'd disobeyed my order. But now I know my singular life should have never had over-rode the importance of those three individual lives. However, I also know that if I hadn't shot them, not only would I be sentenced to execution, but those three wouldn't have got far and fate had them to die that day. But I _still_ hold myself on to the thought that maybe, _maybe_ they would have escaped. Maybe they'd still be alive. Maybe not, but I shouldn't have ever decided that. I'm no God, and I'm certainly not worthy at any point.

I sighed, watching Phil's breathing even out as he returned to sleep. I huddled my own body onto the mat against his, lying down and staring at his stomach falling and rising.

Not rising and falling, because I've already fallen. I've hit the bottom and suffered from the wounds of collapsing so violently. One positive side to hitting the depths of hell itself: you can only rise.

So that's what I shall do.


	23. *Late November

**Dan**

The main door of the building slammed as the wind violently blew across the empty halls. My body tensed in panic, all the blood seemingly racing to my shoulders and causing them to ache in my sudden wave of anxiety.

I tossed over on the bed mat, cradling my knees up to my chest as I listened to the wind blow as if we were in a tube. It had periods of quieting down, right before it speeds up again and sends discarded materials from outside crashing down the pavements.

My eyelids became heavy during one of the quieter periods, myself only hoping it would stay that way. But again, before I knew it the wind had blown loudly and I gave up. I sat up on the mat, my body feeling lighter than normal as I unzipped the tent and stepped outside. A man was standing there, holding a gun.

I panicked, shaking my head as tears ran down my face.

'Please, no-' he passed me the gun as I continued to violently shake my head.

'Shoot.' he grumbled, pointing to his chest. My body buckled over underneath me, hurtling me towards the floor.

'I can't, I'm sorry, I can't I can't.' I clenched the gun in my fists, holding my body in a ball over it.

I looked up towards the man, who was again holding the gun in his palms. I was glad I'd rid myself of it, rubbing my sweating palms against my jeans.

'Then I shoot.' I panicked for a second, only briefly, before I felt the violence and vibrations of a bullet through my chest.

I gasped, throwing the covers over me as my eyelids darted open. I pressed my hand to where the bullet hit me, feeling nothing but a heavily beating heart. I evened my breathing out before sitting on top of the covers, allowing myself to recover.

It wasn't the first time I'd had a nightmare about shooting someone, or being shot. The dreams never got easier. If anything, they got worse.

Because I only felt as if I was getting closer to the day I'd have to shoot someone or be shot.

I sighed, checking the time of 7 am as I stepped out of the tent. I started pacing the building in a certain strip, walking back and forth as I gathered my thoughts. I wanted to wake Phil, be comforted by him, but I didn't feel the strong enough need to wake him for this.

I'm just a burden to him. I have been from the very start.

My body was shaking, my breathing still irregular.

I pierced my lips and sighed, grabbing a snack from inside the tent and zipping it back up from the outside. I walked out of the building, giving myself a new environment to distract myself from everything.  
  


*******   
  


**Phil**

I woke up, feeling something wrong. I instantly turned to where Dan should be lying, but he was gone. I checked the time: 10 am. I shook my head, the covers were cold meaning he'd left at least half an hour ago.

I switched on my connector device, dropping him a chat before tending to Ev.

_Hey Dan, where have you gone? Let me know you're safe xx_

I changed his nappy and fed him, cradling him in my arms as I used my hand to fiddle with my connector.

I checked the time again, 10:02.

I checked the time again, 10:02.

I checked the time again, 10:03.

I checked the time again, 10:05.

I checked the time again, 10:05.

I decided to play with some cards, I had nothing better to do.

I checked the time again, 10:25.

I turned on Cageflix and watched whatever shit was recommended.

I checked the time again, 10:43.

I checked the time again, 10:50.

I checked the time again, 10:51.

After a rotation of Cageflix and time-checking, Dan still hadn't replied.

I checked the time again, 4:14.

What was I supposed to do?

I decided I'd go and search for him. I tied Ev to my chest, knowing I couldn't leave him. Without taking notice of the surroundings, I'd made a circle around the block for a good two hours. No sign, nothing. I returned to the tent in the block.

I checked the time again, 6:43.

I had no method of getting to him. If I didn't know where he was, there was no way of finding out. If he wouldn't reply, I just wouldn't know. Unless I searched _everywhere_ , I couldn't just _find_ him.

He could be out of the country by now.

I pulled my hands to my hair, combing it backwards as my body sat scrunched on the bed mat.

I could not, and would not, cope or be able to cope without Dan.

And Dan's gone.


	24. *-

**Phil**

December 26th, 2009.

Dan had been missing for thirty-one days.

He went missing on November 25th, 2009.

Ev is missing him, too.

He's only five, a couple days off of six, months.

But he's not happy.

We both miss Dan.

We both don't know where Dan is.

I know that the chances are,

Dan is dead.


	25. *ok

**Phil**

I was lying down, head on the hard floor, my right hand stroking the wispy strands of hair on Ev's head. If I had breath left to sigh, I would have droned out a long puff of air. But there was nothing. That's a lie, there was something, there was emptiness. Despite emptiness consisting of nothing, it is still something.

There can never be nothing.

I think I fell asleep again that day. I lost track. My eyes remained heavy and it could have been a few hours ago I got changed into clean clothes, but it could also have been last month. My sense of time was nothing but a passing entity. For me in those months without Dan, time as I knew it was non-existent, replaced with untimely naps and self-neglect.

Ashamed of admitting it, I undoubtedly had been neglecting Ev. He'd not only lost Dan, he'd lost me. All because I realised I was useless. I was useless.

I bit my lip, feeling the cracked skin rub against my top teeth, peeling away at the raw flesh.

Every noise I feared.

Every breath I regretted.

Every passing second I wanted to alter.

I just seemed to manage to drain everything out by passing music through my ears and calming my nerves with Dan's wetube.

I stared at the hand that was soothing Ev, realising my nails had grown much too long. I ran the hand through my hair, it must be reaching my chin by now. It was, in fact, a little above my chin by an inch or two.

I'd sort out my appearance in the morning, if I say that every day.

I was living purely to exist, to survive the next second. I missed Dan so fucking much.

I was so sick of being depressed, but he came along in his black skinny jeans and t-shirt, his clothes - seemingly radiating darkness - lighting up my world like a match in a box. But he'd left and spat it out with my own blood, so now I can't even see my blood drip onto the surface around me.

I opened twatter, fumbling around with my connector to bring it at an angle in front of my face in which it wouldn't auto-rotate.

_amazingphil, where ya at dad?_

_Is Dan ok? Are you ok? Are any of us ok?_

_BLinK tWICe foR HelP_

blink blink

_How's Ev, my growing grandson?_

I started tapping at the keys.

_I'm not dead, guys. But I can't say anything for Dan </3_

_Omg Phil WHAT?_

_Is everything okay, seriously?_

PJ _He'll come back soon, mate._

_Punchthepj, thanks :(_

I let the messages roll by, scanning through the lot of them. I put my phone down, instantly getting a sickly feeling to bring it back to my face.

I shook my head at my gut-feeling, rolling onto my back and drifting off again-

I woke up, seconds later without really ever falling asleep.

I groaned, pulling the connector to my face.

_amazingphil, I want my lion._

I threw up, my entire body shaking as my head pounded against the walls of my scalp. My breathing hastened, returning every missed breath from the past few months. My chest _ached_ like someone was trying to push my heart down into my stomach. I pulled my shaking hand towards the screen, clicking on the twait.

Dan enabled his location.

In all honesty, with where he was, I'm surprised he was still alive.

If he even was.  
  


Everyone who took a breath in England knew the location, possibly even global. The prime of the war was horrific, I would explain it, but sometimes scenes, sights and news can't be written down. But imagine darkness everywhere, complete blackness. You then realise those hundreds of shades of black isn't darkness: it's nuclear soot, laid in sheets of blankets across every structure and landmark; both man-made an natural. Well, what remaining of the natural would that the soot didn't kill off. There's something else in the powdery soot-darkness and that's white. Pure whiteness, blinding you. Whiteness is normally seen within beauty, but how can it when the whiteness is from the grass that is supposed to glisten green? Each blade crunching under your steps, where they once brushed along the bare feet of young children, now lies crumbling ash. The only way to accurately describe the grass is bones. Not strong, healthy bones, but bones suffering from bristle bone disease, filled with gaps, so that when you stand on them, they do crumble to dust. Red. Your first thought is probably blood, but this red isn't from blood. It's the permanent pastey-colour which covers the sky. A red gas, blinding the sun, but the sun shouldn't be blinded. Corpses, you turn a corner to see the face mauled off of a lone being. They were either travelling alone, or were abandoned in injury. But that's the thing, it's just a corpse. It's just the vessel of someone that once was; that someone who will only remain a corpse, because they can't share their story. Because they're a corpse. Dead. Gone. Half the buildings in the world have crumbled, but I guess that's fair, seeming there's still plenty to suffice the living population in housing accommodation. Not that most people have a set place to call their homes, because it's dangerous to stay in one area at a time, people hunt you that way.

If you're a hunter: you can stay in one area because people fear you, they've heard your rumours. So why have I explained the prime of the war? Because it's not just the scenic after-mass that suffers: it's the people.

The good, the bad and the crazy.

The good, the people that risk their lives to help others. As majestic and morally correct that they are while living, you die out. Your good deeds to others simply turn into dust like the grass when it's trodden down. Wasted like the life you were given to live. The good might as well have never existed, they caused us tragedy and pain, pushing onto us a false belief of hope that the bad and crazy could only live for, but would they ever get it? No. Why? Because they're bad and/or crazy, and the world doesn't work like that.

The bad, the people that are selfish, lazy, abused, probably crazy. But who's not in this world who's survived? The bad survive because they live for themselves and themselves only. But it's a life of fear, and funnily enough most people would be more prepared to live for a month in good bliss than ten years in torture. I guess that's why suicide's a thing.

The crazy. A middle group between the two. You can be good and crazy: people forget about the good and you're just crazy. Good's the default, so if there's an accessory to your personality, that's who you now are, because good is a plain piece of paper. You can also be bad and crazy: that's dangerous. Those are the people that fear nothing but are feared by all. Those are the people who are the people hunters. The hunters that stick by a location, and if that location is known: it's most likely out of fear.

So, my knowledge of the location where Dan is.

I hope you've got my drift.


	26. *Creatures

**Phil**

I heard the pounding rain against the soot-covered walls of the office building as I pulled mine and Dan's equipment together. I tightened a backpack of necessities onto my back, storing the rest in a crook of the building's walls. It would be safe there, since the building looks desolate enough; people don't have time to rummage round an appearing-empty building in hopes of the off-chance they'd find a couple of bags of supplies. What were even the chances of coming across anything at all?

I tucked Ev into the material Dan and I shared between us to carry him attached to our chests, only to discover he'd grown too large to fit his limbs through the holes anymore.

'Shit.' I sighed, pulling him to my body with my left arm. I shook my head, in disbelief at the world as I pushed open the once-automatic doors of the office building, sliding them shut as I returned myself to the lame excuse-of-a-world's rain.

I felt sick, sick to the gut with the feeling of stepping closer to the hunters. My body's instincts were screaming and yelling at full velocity to walk away, but my heart spat on their cries.

Despite the chances, I had nerves about leaving all of our equipment back in the building, but I couldn't carry it all and I was only building up more worry for my brain to handle. I can't believe how long we stuck in that building, it was dangerous, it was crazy. But I am a crazy, that's why I've survived. Maybe if we'd left sooner, Dan wouldn't be missing right now. But the world's full of 'what if's which everyone contemplates, no matter their mental state. Sometimes you could mistake a crazy for a good, but wait until the trauma swims in waves to the forefront of someone's unexpectant mind. Watch the look on their face as they switch to whatever form they take when they're flooded with every negativity to ever exist. People who are crazy are so individual in the way that they switch.

Hostile, angry, tearful, depressed, manic, empty, guilty, anxious, suicidal, self-destructive, fearful, clingy. You're a real crazy if you're all of the above at the same time. But I doubt any of them survived, because I certainly know I wouldn't have wanted to live with the knowledge that I _would_ return to feeling that shitty repeatedly at any unexpected moment.

But, because everyone is so unique in their flips, you have to trust them. If they tell you that to get them to return, they just need a hug. Trust them. If they tell you to lock them in a room or tie them to a chair (mind's going kinky, but I guess that might work to bring some people back to themselves - I won't judge). Trust them. If they tell you to rapid-fire every memory you can think of, no matter how traumatising. Trust them. If they tell you to stroke their hair and comfort them, reminding them they're okay. Trust them. If they tell you to shoot them in order to protect the ones they love most. Trust them.

Because if you don't trust them and they've gone to an extreme in their flip, there's no telling what they'll do. No matter who you know them as, they are not that person when they have switched. You have to be strong to remember that. And most importantly, you have to _want_ to remember that.

The sickly feeling in my gut hadn't left. I wrenched over, hands on my knees as I felt my face become pale.

_Come on, Phil. Focus. Focus for Dan._

I couldn't even bring myself to imagine the position Dan was in as I trod along the soaked, white blades underneath my boots. My jacket was pulled above my head, my sleeves wrapped over my long fingers, protecting them from the cold.

Hunters hunt. Survivors survive. Losers lose.

What do I mean 'hunt'? I mean cannibalism. I mean torture. Hunters are all bad.

That's how you tell a good crazy from a bad crazy: a bad crazy harms another person in every way they physically can, a good crazy harms themselves in every way they physically can. Either way, someone ends up dead. Someone innocent and someone who deserved better.

I drummed my hands against the top of my thighs as I walked, pulling my connector to my face. Only a couple of miles left to walk. I moved my hand up from my thigh, tapping my hip where my belt sat against my torso. I played with it, checking it's mobility as I practised slipping it away and hastily moving it in front of my face. In the end, I settled for keeping it tightly in my fist: prepared.

Your body's instincts take over as you knowingly near a dangerous area. Your steps lighten, breathing shallows, heart quickens and legs crunch, ready to run.

A sound erupts, my body flinching as my arms dart towards, pulling the trigger and taking out the movement. A chicken. My face drained of blood as I approached the bleeding animal, but I'd killed it smoothly with one shot. The guilt clawed at me, knowing I could have spared this guy's life. You can't eat these guys, any creature of the world for that matter, because you don't know what they've eaten, so therefore you don't know what's rotting inside their skin and through their veins. The next disease to wipe a population out, that's what. Honestly, any good person who survived the war until this point wouldn't want to take an animal's life just for food anyway, even without the almost guaranteed inevitability of disease and death. They'd seen enough pain from death already, an abandoned corpse rotting on its own in the streets, occasionally being chewed at by a nuked creature of some sort, maybe their own loved one. The good person knows that the animal is just as deserving of a life as a human, they've done well to survive until the point they have, so why destroy that with a bullet for a couple of meals? The animal has experienced just as much trauma as the potential killer, just as much relief as the adrenaline from a dangerous situation drains out of their system. A good person would feel sick to the gut that they killed that creature, just as much as they would if they'd shot a human.

A bad person, they are the ones that stick to the belief people need meat. They are the ones that say that they need meat in their diet because it tastes nice. So what meat is almost guaranteed to be harmless to consume? Humans. It's not that humans shouldn't be eaten over a creature, because we're all animals at the end of the day with feelings and life, it's just...

Dan's a human.

And they have Dan.


	27. *Hearts alike

**Phil**

I rested my back against a crumbling brick wall, centralising my mind back into focus. I took a few deep breaths, allowing the silence of the world to seep into my ears. I just wanted Dan. I wanted his touch against my body, his sarcastic jokes, his eyes that say a million words in one movement. The entirety of my body was aching. There's no way to describe the feeling to someone who's not experienced loss of extreme sorts, but it's as if all your organs are leaking out of your skin pores, your muscles are screaming and you feel so tired. I would do anything to hold Dan right now, I'd do anything just to have the thumbs up that he was okay. But he wasn't, I knew that because despite being an optimist, I have common fucking sense. If you're with the hunters; you are not going to be okay. Ever.

I picked at a loose piece of skin on my thumb, thoughts washing past me in waves. I neither ignored them, nor paid them any attention. They just were. Sometimes that's okay.

I sighed, prepared to continue on, when a flash of conscious awareness shook my body, yelling at me to check my connector. So, I flicked it in front of my face, scrolling through the minimal notifies that displayed themselves on the screen. But from Dan, nothing. Again, I sighed and clicked the screen off with a button, but just as I did so, the light flashed signalling something had passed through. I re-opened the page of notifies, glancing at the new one.

_Danisnotonfire posted a picture._

I vomited.

There's a feeling of dread that shuts your entire body down and makes your cheeks feel hollow. Tears trickled down my face as I pulled the image to my face again, carefully re-living the horrific moment. A picture of Dan's hand and body was displayed, taken from first person. It was as if he was trying to get the best angle possible, while being tied up and in excruciating pain all over. As if to say 'look, I'm alive. But barely.' His skin in the photo was red and raw, scars cascading all over his tanned skin, nails bitten to nothingness. From the photo, I assumed he was only tied by one hand, seeming he must have accessed his connector from one hand, the same taking the image. The floor he lied on was black concrete, which still couldn't mask the sheets of blood that dripped around my love's body. If seeing your partner in this condition wasn't bad enough, out of the corner of the image was an unintentional capture, made obvious that it was captured by a mistake from the angle it was at. There, written in his own blood, was two letters: D+P, surrounded by a heart, with a split down the middle and a sad face by the shape's side.

I drummed my fingers against the screen.

_Danisnotonfire, There isn't darkness where the sun doesn't set._

By this point, I'd not bothered to read, let alone reply, to any of the replies to my comment on Dan's photo. Our followers knew as much about Dan's condition as I did, but we could all agree that I needed to find him. I needed to find him _now_.

The sky had darkened into a misty-blue when I reached the widely-known location. I expected an abandoned-looking house, hospital maybe, some kind of shaft or building, could be a farm. But there was nothing spread across the empty field. There was nothing at the location, apart from tiny white daggers mocking the sharp pain in my chest, mocking my desperate despair.

I screamed, my voice bellowing through the distant trees. Jogging out into the field, my eyes darted around the place, desperate for any sign of anything at all. My breathing became irregular as I gasped for breath in between whimpers and whines, my voice strained with each outward cry. My legs collapsed underneath me, allowing myself to fall to the ground. I began to hammer my fists against the ground, pounding against the grass as I punished the surface of the world, barely making a bruise in comparison to the crater on my heart.

I held Ev on my lap, cradling his body for comfort as I regained myself enough to stand up. My vision cleared, as did my mind in search for my next move.

But then I saw it.

The ground was marshy from the recent downpour of rain, but this time it was nothing of an annoyance. I noticed in the marsh, there was recently trodden down ground, making footprints too small to be mine, leading up to a point just in front of me. Another pair walked away from the same spot. I breathed in, holding the air in my lungs as I fumbled my hands around the ground. The sound changed from my fingers drumming against the Earth. The once solid, almost inaudible thump of my palms against the grass now echoing into the distance, almost as if I were to be drumming on metal-

A clasp. Hidden in the mud, dug under the soils, was a small hoop. I tugged on it, heaving it upwards into the air, gasping as I viewed the inside.

Of course I saw no building, no farm, nor hut. What is there to see when all is underground, tucked away and hidden a spit away from blind-sight?

I peeked in, in return receiving a glare from unwelcoming darkness. The pit smelt like rotten corpses; a smell I'd only grown too familiar with over my lifetime. I heard faint chatters in the distance, speeding my heart rate up, but rationalising it to realise there was nothing I should really fear.

Something yelled at me to stay above ground, to wait, but I knew better in these incidents than to trust my gut instinct. The gut instinct keeps you alive, dragging yourself away from situations that could reduce your chances of living. But when you have to rescue the actual point of your life himself, you know to ignore those instincts and trust your heart.

I cling on to Ev, guilt erupting in my body at bringing such a helpless life form into such a dangerous situation, but it was safer than to leave him out here where he could be mauled to death by both nuked creature and human alike, or be washed up in the rain and find himself with an illness too severe to cure. So, he was coming with me in the safety of my arms that I could trust. Not much, but I could.

I pulled a leg over the side of the pit, shuffling myself closer into the hole. I kept reassuring myself all was fine, that what I was doing was right for multiple people.

Then I heard a voice shouting after me, my heart audibly thumping at its sudden halt in movement...


	28. *An explanation

**Daniel Howell**

Sorry, I've been away for a while, I guess it's down to circumstances. Things change, times move on. My mind hasn't stopped the last few months, neither has my heart.

But that changed on this day.

I knew not of the date I left, nor the date it was. I could find the date out on my connector, but funnily enough, I was saving its charge to reach out to Phil, as well as not having much care anymore. I'd given up, to be honest. Again. When hadn't I given up on living in this place? This place that I'm supposed to call Earth and my home, but my only home was with Phil, whom I did not know where he was.

That night I left to pace outside, with my mind racing and not being able to control myself, I meant not to go off so far. I was just going outside to breathe in the fresh, deadly fumes of the outside's air. But during my short walk, someone caught me. They gripped the fabric of my shirt that rested against the back of my neck, holding their other arm around my torso from behind, pulling me towards them. I gasped, trying to scream, but no noise made its way out of my mouth with my breath so quickly hastened. I tried to lash back at them, but I felt myself being dragged away, sight muffled with fabric.

I woke up, tied against a hook in the floor with metal wire. Despite the most logical first thought should be to panic at the fact I'd been kidnapped, I thank my brain in which it wasn't: my first thought was kinky.

Fucking 'kinky'.

After chuckling at myself, I redirected my thoughts into something mildly logical in a way to escape, but knew I stood no chance. I'd already made the decision I'd been taken by the hunters, seeming that they are the only sickos in the world who would cause more stress on an individual in an already overly-traumatic existence.

A time period of beatings, snarly remarks from ugly personalities and threats spat by the tongues of those who tormented me, I had one hand released from the metal cuffs. It was at the first opportunity I had at being alone, that I scrambled for my connector and sent out the most noticeable option of communication with Phil.

It felt wrong, to attempt to - what felt like - luring him into this hell hole, but I knew deep down that I'd only be being selfish to not let him know of my survival or somewhat of my location. So after sending a twait with location turned on, I hurriedly turned my connector back off to responsibly preserve the truest-seeming life form around. For once, surrounded by these psychos, I felt like I wasn't the only one who was dead on the inside.

My limbs were flimsy, hardly used for at least a couple of months. I had no choice but to flail around on the floor as I remained hopelessly tied up. I would explain what the hunters did do to me, but it would be quicker to go through the list of bad things that they actually didn't do to me.

None of them raped me, but I guess that fits with their comments that I'm an undesirable object. My vision had not been impaired, however I was certain of a black eye. My nose seemed not painful enough to be broken, especially after sessions of prodding the bruising around it to confirm it wasn't so, however it was probably viewed as a purple plaster against my skin. However, random chunks of my body had been carved out, cooked and served for them to eat. It's violent, it's horrific and it makes me want to eradicate all food they'd served me within these walls. I am certain, however, that I ate no human, since they ate the 'prime meat' for themselves. On the bright side of them being cannibals, it seems wrong for my personality to have this optimism, I had eaten well, since they wanted the meat on my body, not just skin and bones.

I could go into more detail, and surely I will at some point. No experience with the hunters ever goes un-re-lived. But that's fine, the experiences within these four damp, rotting walls can be added to the collection of repressed memories from the submil. Life's a shit game sometimes, and there's nothing motivational I can uplift the other half to that with.

When you have hours of time on your hands, you fiddle around with nearby objects, including that annoying piece of wire that digs itself into your sides from your trousers, that you never seemed to sort out. I wiggled this out one night when I was alone, and jammed it around in the metal wiring around my wrist. It was through this, I realised I had the ability to escape. I remember from my entrance into this torture hole that I wasn't too many rooms away from the actual fucking exit of this place. I turned on my connector, opening up twatter and releasing a twait of a picture, confirming to Phil it was me and that I was - despite barely mentally feeling - alive.

A few hours later, the silence within the pit had spread itself across the underground rooms. In a place like this, silence is never comforting, it only brings suspense and fear. I jammed the wires out, standing up and toppling over the air beneath my feet, since my feet had grown too use to the inexperience of walking. I thank boredom, however, since I did whatever movements I could while tied up, in order to keep my mind busy. This allowed me to quickly regain my steps as I heaved my weight over to the corridor. Adrenaline. It sucks you up and seemingly spits you out at thousands of miles per hour, allowing yourself to race towards the exit of the pit, lifting yourself out. I entered through an empty field, which I was unaware of since I was blinded by a cloth as I was forcefully dragged here.

A bush remained my shelter for a couple of minutes, my body recovering from _everything_ as my mind brought itself to one thought:

I don't know how to get back to Phil.


	29. *Yours truly

**Dan**

I rested in the bush for a few minutes, deciding that the best thing to do - while hidden from a passerby's sight - was to regain everything about me and actually feel like a living person. During this time, I made a plan to reach out to Phil using my connector, knowing this was the only efficient way of finding him.

I sighed, fiddling with the loose fabric from my torn-away shirt, my mind not truly knowing where it wanted to begin sorting itself out with. Despite being free, it was that knowledge that I _could_ be with Phil, now that I was out, that was harder to accept than when I was tied up. I knew that with different circumstances, he could have met me right here.

But don't wish for everything.

I heard a thump, echoing through the field. Hurriedly, my eyes darted towards it, finding a distant man sliding carefully into the ditch, the noise from when he chucked the metal trap-door backwards. I gasped, my heart clenching in my chest as I noticed the infant in his arms. The figure, the hair, the child, the uncomfortable-vibe beaming across his body that he didn't want to go in; this was Phil. My Phil.

He was half a second from pushing himself fully in, so I allowed my voice to spread itself across the field in a desperate cry. I saw his eyes dart towards me, knowledge spreading across his face as well as the expression of relief and fear. I ran over as fast I physically could with two damaged legs, which in this instance, didn't hold me back much. I collided with his body, arms wrapping around him as his lips met mine, both desperate to be forever attached together - never to be parted again.

That's when we heard shouting from inside the pit, their suspicions arrived at our cries from above. I pulled him up, only to see in the corner of my eye the face of one of my abusers.

'HE'S HERE!'

'Shit, Phil, I love you, I really, really love you- please, follow.' I pushed the words through my lips between breaths. I supported him upwards as he stood as much as possible, us both darting through the field, rushing over the uneven grounds beneath us.

A shot flew past us, my fear became apparent as my body clenched at the sound. Phil's concerned eyes darted towards me, trying to place a soothing hand on my shoulder as we ran. Another shot, Phil slipped to the ground and cursed as he did so. I scrambled to help him upwards, noticing the shots weren't fired from many metres behind us. The original man stood feet away, my body's instincts threw me into fight to protect Phil. He held the gun to me, my fist took not hesitation in knocking out his arm, the gun skidding across the path. I noticed Phil wriggling his ankle, hoping it was no more than a sprain. I threw myself at the man again, him grunting as I knocked him to the floor, but as I did so another hastily approached our position. The knocked-down man seemed to receive courage from this, lifting himself onto his feet. Myself and this new person combined into a chorus of beatings against each other.

'Just leave 'em.' the original man sighed, my eyes focused on the man. I felt a jab to my chest as I was knocked backwards with a punch. Phil grunted, the other man took him in the chest. I noticed Ev in the man's arms, my body overrode with fury as I dived towards the spot, but he'd backed up and made a run for it, with Ev in his arms.

'Fuck, no! BASTARDS!' I screamed outwards in emotional pain, the farther Ev got, the increase of pain in my chest fought against my energy. Phil was backwards on the floor, recovering from the violent throw of a punch. I huddled myself up to him, cradling his body as he whimpered into me, tears falling down his face.

'They-they have E-Ev, Dan. I-I can't- I couldn't, D-Dan...' he burst out into tears, his body violently shaking in my clasp. I ran my fingers through his air, my own tears silently making their way down my face.

'I'll get Ev, Phil. I promise you that.'

'He's so so small, Dan, he can't-' Phil's voice was strained from crying.

'Hey, Phil, look how long I survived, I'm alright.' his head was shaking, his face scrunched up as he let out another cry. I held my body against his, wrapping myself around his body like a coat. His fists gripped the material of my torn shirt on my chest.

As much as I loathed the place I was tied up and tortured, as you'd imagine, I was going to go back for Ev. I knew there was no harm in waiting for a minute or so, which would do more good than harm in the fact that I could regain myself and remotely think rationally.

'You-you're here.' Phil muttered, turning his face to glance up at me. I smiled, nodding my head as tears continued to trickle down my cheeks in streams.

'As long as the stars are.' I mumbled as he smiled back, pushing his head into my chest. I gently pressed my lips against his forehead, combing back the strands of hair that laid uneven on his head.

'I hate this, Dan.' he muttered, sighing backwards and becoming lax in my arms.

'Hate what?'

'Everything. I can't help but think, in an alternate universe we could be lying on a sofa, Ev in our arms as we indulge on seemingly endless food.'

'You can't just wish for an alternate universe, Phil-'

'I know and that's what's shit.'

'We might never have met in an alternate universe.'

'Something about our story tells me we do. We always do, Bear.'

'I might be a drug-addict in another.'

'Then I'd heal you.'

'I might be a murderer.'

'I'd let you reason yourself and if you were a danger, also I'd never hesitate to visit you in prison.'

'I might be a hardcore stalker.'

'That's kinky, I'd sign up for that one.' we chuckled, and as inappropriate in our situation it seemed - we were smiling, truly smiling.

'We might have never have had Ev.' he sighed, looking in the distance the men ran, a final tear raced down his beautiful face.

'Then that's no universe I'd trade for.' I kissed his forehead again, beginning to stand up, but his arms wrapped around my waist, causing a weight on my hips.

'Where are you going?' he asked, his voice strained, as I looked at him, despite him knowing what I was going to say, I pressed a kiss to his lips, our noses resting on the other's as we stared into our eyes.

'To get Ev.'


	30. Safety

**Dan**

Phil and I made our way over back to the clasp where the door laid. It's a strange sensation, staring back into the hellhole you'd so desperately tried to escape. I sighed, turning to Phil.

'Stay here.' he was a crying mess, trying to muffle his own cries to not bring attention.

'Dan, I-I can't-' I held the side of his face, my thumb gently running across the corner of his lips.

'It does nobody any good if you come with me. I don't want you seeing this place, if someone comes out...shoot them.' he nodded, throwing his arms around me and holding my lips against his, 'It's okay Phil, we'll always be okay.' he shook his head at me.

'We'll always be okay if we're together, I wouldn't last a second without you, Bear.' I pierced my lips and smiled, running my fingers through his black strands of hair and pressed our foreheads together.

'If I'm not out in twenty minutes, then - and only then - are you allowed to even _consider_ entering this pit. Got it?' he sighed, biting his bottom lip and nodding. I held my index finger underneath his chin, gently pulling his face up to look at me, 'Promise?'

'I promise as long as the stars shine.' I smiled, moving my hands down to his hands, wrapping my fingers around his.

'That'll be a bloody long time with you in this world.' he smiled, despite trying to conceal it, as I turned around.

'Wait- Dan!' I began to turn around.

'Wha-' his lips slammed against mine, I was confident they'd become bruised from the impact. I smiled into the kiss, his tongue attempting to break into me, but I pulled away. His saddened eyes glanced up at me, 'When I come back.' he smiled, nodding, but somewhere deep in our guts, we knew the chances of that.

I lifted the door, shuffling down.

'Dan-'

'I love you, my Lion.' I whispered as I turned in the pit to face the darkness, not bearing to look back at him. I slipped my body down, hearing a muffled whimper from the man I loved, which harshly poked at my chest. A small thud drummed against the floor as I hit the bottom.

Here we go again.

I slipped around a corner, knowing that despite the large scale of this pit, there weren't actually that many inhabitants. There wasn't a need for many, since the violent nature of one person here could fulfil the violent nature of an entire country.

They wore uniforms, not heavily, but a blue button-up shirt that spread across their shoulders. It was partially luck, but mostly common sense that they'd keep the uniform shirts by the entrance, that I'd slipped into the room they'd kept these in. I knew there was little point of dressing myself in one of these, since it was such a small community in here that they must all have known each other very well, but on the off-chance that they didn't care for one another, either (along with everyone else in existence), also hoping that if they just saw my back, they wouldn't be fulfilled with haste to capture me, in thought I was one of their own, I slipped one on over my current shirt.

Again, this place was of a large scale, so I didn't know where to even start looking for Ev. I decided to wander the corridors, hoping I could find something. Every time I slipped into a doorway, I feared that I'd be noticed and captured. Every time I twisted a door handle, a lightning strike of panic hit me. All at the same time, the spark of hope becoming louder as a fire inside of me, but somehow - at the same time - it was dying out.

I had a sickening thought as I turned a corner, smelling the cooking (or at least recent cooking) of food: what happens if Ev was just lying there? Alone, unsure...

I skipped the rooms up until the kitchen, knowing I was heading to the right place with the typical wooden doors being replaced with metal double-doors which had a circular window on either one. I took out my knife from my belt, sliding through the door and making a decision: I could either walk in normally, hoping the current person cooking (vegetables by the look of it) didn't think suspiciously if I looked relaxed in my movements, or I could gently step in, stabbing them from behind.

I settled on walking in normally, hoping not to drive suspicion. My heart jabbed itself at the sight of Ev playing with a stone in a basket, the rage from this strengthening my arm, ready to stab this person at all costs. I approached them, my body stopping as they turned around. But something was different about them, fear also overwhelmed their view.

'Shit, shit...dude you have-' he started hyperventilating, to which I stepped backwards to give him space, 'You, you don't understand.' I said nothing, not wanting to shout and bring attention. This person was obviously no threat currently, in his anxious condition, 'I'm Chris, I-I...'

'Mate, relax, reason with me and I won't stab the life out of you.'

'Right, right. I don't recognise you?' I shook my head, to which he nodded, 'I've been here since birth, I'm not like them. Not all of us are. I know who you think I am, but I'm the kind of person who feels bad chopping up a carrot for God's sake.' I sighed, biting my lip and nodding, 'Can I ask what you're here for, I'll try to help - unless it's pure revenge.'

'That's my kid.' I stated, my voice low and remaining hostile. His face widened, walking over and taking Ev out. 'Here, I'm sorry for everything, on behalf of everyone. Just-'

'Why don't you leave?' I asked, my voice less angry than before.

'Fear. One day I hope I will, find something or someone to leave for, I mean. Until then, I'll continue living like this-' he gestured around with the knife carelessly in his hand, 'Just cooking my own meals, living in my own room and talking to the other five who are in my same position. Distracting our minds with whatever we can from this place.' I nodded.

'I believe in you, Chris. Until then, I need to go.' he nodded back, opening the door for me as I legged it towards the exit, knife still held against Ev, carefully though so to not hurt him in any form. I fisted the door out, hoping Phil would open it.

But nothing came. I sighed, slipping the knife into my belt and messily fumbling around with the ladder and door to escape. I did so, and when exiting saw Phil anxiously pacing a few metres away.

His eyes glistened upwards as he saw me and Ev, running towards us and wrapping his arms around me. I started becoming fast on my feet, breaking away from the hug as I pulled him away with his hand, running towards the trees in the distance.

We were far out of view, far out of boundaries of the hunters, backs against the trees as we panted in the same rhythm as each other. Ev was in my left arm, cuddling against my body, as I lied in Phil's right arm. Phil's head rested on top of mine, as mine was on his shoulder, my body cradled into him.

We weren't safe, it was hard to say you were ever safe, because you never knew what lurked around every corner. However, us three huddled in a ball against a tree, in the middle of nowhere, felt like safety.

Sometimes that's all that matters.


	31. *Camp

**Phil**

Dan's head rested on my shoulder, my own head resting on top of his, with Ev between our legs, sleeping. It was nice in all this world's shit to get somewhat of a rest, no matter how short that may be.

'Phil, I can't do this.' Dan whispered, my heart pressing against my chest as he did so.

'What do you mean?' I asked, rinsing my fingers through his hair, that was in much need for a wash. However, through every storm and every flood we'd been through, emotionally and physically, this was alright. We were alright.

'This.' he mumbled, shaking his head, continuing after a pause, 'I can't breathe. It's shit after shit after shit in this world. It's as if the entire thing is built to bring us down, destroy us and leave us as a decomposing corpse somewhere on the Earth's surface. Phil, I love you and would give you every star that ever existed it that was physically possible, but frankly, it's not. That's not okay. You don't understand the lengths I'd go to pull you out of your own mess, I know you don't. You somewhat understand, but you can never fully understand-'

'Dan, I do. I'm so fucking tired of you feeling worthless. It's draining. I do understand because when you were gone for those months, I wasn't existing. I didn't know how to and I didn't _want_ to. I feel as if my entire life's point up until that October we met in 2009 was just a build-up to meet you. That's how much you mean to me because I don't see another point of my life apart from you. Hell, I don't even know how I lived without you. I didn't, really-'

'Phil, you don't understand. I'm telling you that you don't because you've had people mean things to you. You've had your entire family, but my family was a corrupt mess that I never understood how to love them. I know my parents loved me, but I couldn't love them. I have my entire heart, unused and whole to give you and Ev, no one else has ever had a piece of it-'

'You don't share a heart out in chunks. I did and do love my family, they meant the world to me, when they were alive. Of course they did. But me having a love for them doesn't mean I've got less love you give you, it just means I have something to compare my love for you with. That's how I know you're the one because I wanted to spend time apart from my family, I wanted them to leave me alone most of the time. But with you, I'd have you in my arms until the day I die. I will never leave you. I was a self-destructive piece of shit until I found you, something you'll never know. I was an awful person-'

'Lies. Not you. The way you act now, the pain you feel towards Ev and me, a person like you could never be awful. You're the fucking sun, Lester. Deny that and I'll deny your fucking mother, okay?' we chuckled together, facing the stars in the night sky, 'I've lied to you, I just realised.'

'What?'

'You're not the fucking sun. The sun abandons parts of the world constantly, leaving one part of the world to brighten up another. You're not the fucking sun, because you manage to light up the entire world constantly. You never leave one thing for the other, instead you chase the dark parts down and shine a light on them that will never go dull.'

'Shut up.' I whispered, facing towards him. I took his wrist in my hand, his body flinching, 'Shit, does that-' he nodded, looking down as if to be ashamed, 'Dan, don't look like that. None of this is- why did you leave in the first place, from our camp?' he sighed.

'I just wanted space, but then a man trapped me and dragged me out. I didn't walk away far.'

'You're an idiot.' I chuckled, shaking my head in disbelief.

'An idiot, really Phil? After being tied up for three fucking months? There's not a single part of my body that isn't screaming that it's in pain right now, and I'm the idiot?'

'Shit, Dan-'

'Don't Dan me. I'm tired Phil, I'm so fucking tired and I just want a break. I'm in so much pain and every scar they left on my body is just a reminder.'

'Dan?'

'Hm.'

'I remember a scar on your back...'

'I have many scars, Phil. Some have just faded, or the space has been used as a canvas for another injury,' he sighed, 'But that scar was from an incident in the submil, I don't want to talk about it.'

'You were-' he placed his finger to my lips, sliding it around my jaw and kissing me gently. It was an obvious hint that he didn't want to talk about it.

'We need to get going, we can't fall asleep here, it's not safe.' Dan groaned, standing upright, taking Ev in his arms as he did so. I sighed, standing up also, taking his waist in my arm. He stood with Ev uncomfortably in his arm, seemingly resting on a fresh wound.

'Dan, let me take Ev.' his eyes glanced up at me with self-pity, I could feel how useless he felt through the look in his eyes, the same look that killed me off slightly every time he felt the need for it to be spread across his flawless face. I took Ev from him, placing a kiss on the top of his head as I did so as we began to walk through the forest back to the office building, where our supplies hopefully remained.

There's a certain noise you grow familiar with. Take an animal, but make its growl sound slightly off chord, as if it's supposed to be growling in major but it went into minor. There's a certain rasp to the sound as well, as if the animal has a ball in its throat. This noise that you grow familiar with is the noise you should avoid because that's the noise of a nuked animal that lives only to feast off of the weak who can't escape its grasp.

That same noise echoed through the leaves on the trees, and once the growl ended, left nothing but harrowing silence. A silence that the world was not used to hearing, since there seemed to always be at least the rustle of a leaf. But every sound stopped, until the cracking of dead grass and leaves that fell back in autumn grew ever closer. There is no way to escape a nuked creature except run. Once they've seen you, they won't lose you. Not unless you hide. So you just have to run as soon as possible, or fight back with a weapon.

Within seconds of hearing the first rustle of a step towards us, Dan and I were off, messily scrambling through the natural corridors that the trees guided us through. You'd have thought between the lack of running practice and anxiety would cause our lungs to fail, but I guess a dose of adrenaline through the body does wondrous things as you face your almost inevitable death. I took a breath as I glanced backwards, receiving shock as I realised we were out-running the creature.

How is that even possible?

That's when I noticed a subtle limp coming from its front left claw, bouncing and avoiding the ground as much as possible in the creature's attempt to capture its food.

'It-it h-h-has a li-limp, Dan...' he didn't reply, but I could only assume he'd heard. There wasn't much need for a reply, I just hope to calm him slightly. We remained running, gaining ourselves a rhythm as the much-to-silent surroundings followed us in our hurried steps.

There was a sudden rustle of leaves, followed by a thump as I noticed Dan collapse by my side. I stopped and turned back, I was a few feet ahead of Dan, therefore jogged back slightly to get him. But the creature leapt onto him, taking his leg in its mouth.

A desperate groan escaped Dan's lips, but the harrowing part was there was little desperation in his cry, but more exhaustion from endless event trying to pull him down in the world.

'DAN, COVER EYES AND EARS!' he did so as much as possible as I slipped the metal weapon out from my belt, sending a bullet through the creature, it collapsing backwards. I'd carried this gun around more often, despite it not being my favoured one to use, since the trigger was slightly sticky. But, it was much quieter than my others, and I cared more about not frightening Dan than the comfort of a few seconds.

He gasped, the creature collapsing to the side of him, taken back slightly with the impact of the bullet on its chest. I ran the short remaining distance to him, Ev tightly gripped against my chest.

'Shit-' he groaned, pulling his body upwards. His leg was not only attacked by the nuked dog, but seemingly broken from the impact of the fall, 'Phil, I-'

'Don't worry, look, put your left arm over my shoulder, I'll support you with my right.' he nodded, gripping me as I pulled him upwards. A soft groan of pain whimpered through his lips, I felt useless in that I couldn't help him right that second, 'After the forest clears, there are a few buildings, we can stop there.' he nodded again, not speaking in order to control his levels of pain, concentrating in his movements.

I made the decision that once I got Dan to a building, I'd hurry back to our original camp in the office. There, I'd take the stronger medical kit - since I only had the space to bring a basic in the rucksack I was carrying - and move the rest of the equipment to a new building. It wouldn't be far off, no closer than the other one, since we wanted to keep the handful of miles distance away from the hunters in our pockets, but I didn't want Dan to have to limp too far. I'd return to Dan here, apply the medical attention he needed to his leg, and support him on his limp to the new camp.

It should only take a few hours for me to return to him. I'd also leave Ev with him, in order to be quicker on my return.

I just hoped they'd be safe until then.


	32. *Okay ;D

**Phil**

I explained my plan to Dan, which in the extreme levels of pain he was in, he managed a nod to agree. I hurried off, leaving the rucksack with basic supplies with Dan, so he could at least have some food and drink.

I'd considered what the hunters had put him through, but I knew better than to ask him. I could see the wounds and I had a fucking good chance at guessing what all those sickos would do to him. Maybe the injury was a positive thing, it would give his mind a distraction so that it could subconsciously recover from the trauma in the background of his head.

But again, I'm a somehow still a fucking optimist.

After a forty-minute walk, I'd made the way back to the office, doing as I planned and taking the supplies out, all of which remained. I did a sigh of relief at that, I was confident they'd be safe, but I couldn't help but worry about them slightly. I found the most comfortable position to carry the equipment, heading off across the abandoned streets.

It's in moments like these I'm glad for our original survival instincts, since they kept negative thoughts and worries at bay. I was sick of healing myself. Every emotional shit I'd gone through I somehow managed to fucking recover myself and bring me back to being Phil. I guess it's through every experience you learn how to make an easier recovery next time. And now I could help Dan recover, both physically and mentally.

I continued the journey, suddenly hearing the patter of rain against the floor around me, hearing it before I felt it trickle against my skin.

For fuck's sake.

Out of all the times, it had to be raining when I was already exhausted and just wanted to get back to my family. I sighed, thanking the fucking British weather and headed for shelter indoors. You can't be out in the rain, you don't know what each droplet contains. The chemicals that could burn straight through to your heart.

I sighed, perching against a broken slab in the building I'd settled for and brought out my connector.

_Dan: Get indoors, we're safe._

_Phil: I'm indoors, don't worry. Just bored now._

_Dan: Hopefully it will stop soon, love xx_

_Phil: The clouds don't look too dark._

_Dan: Do you hear the wind?_

_Phil: Yeah, an old electrical wire snapped and fell to the ground outside._

_Dan: You're safe? xx_

_Phil: Yes, you don't think it's a storm? xx_

_Dan: Fucking hope not._

I chuckled, noticing the sun gleaming through the windows, yet the wind was still roaring through the streets piled with old buildings. I stood outside, checking if the appearance that the rain had stopped was accurate. It had already died down, not being even five minutes later.

The weather does confuse me.

The wind continued to groan against old bricks as I walked for another ten minutes, finding a collection of sturdy buildings. It seemed like a group of old homes, possibly built in the early 20th century, possibly a bit earlier. They were small, but cosy looking. I made the decision to head inside of the front door, choosing an oddly-shaped corner in the house to somewhat hide our bags. The house was empty, ransacked of all belongings like every other single building that existed.

I sighed, hoping I hadn't walked too far in distance from Dan. I'd kept a check on the map, and despite moving far from the original office, I seemed to keep in a slope-shape, meaning it still should be about the same distance back to him. I grabbed the medical kit and began the journey back.

_Dan: I'm hungry._

_Phil: Food in the front pocket xx_

_Dan: :(_

_Phil: What's that for? x_

_Dan: I miss you <3_

_Phil: It's been less than two hours Bear xx_

_Dan: And? x_

_Phil: I'm on my way back, should be with you within the hour, needy shit._

_Dan: You can't deny you're also missing me :D_

_Phil: I'm on my way back ;) xx_

_Dan: :D_

I chuckled, shaking my head at the texts from the man I'd fallen in love with. Hardly a man with his sense of humour, but I loved everything about him.

He wasn't wrong, about missing him. But I hadn't spent enough time with him yet to recover from the months of being apart. We're both needy shits, that's something neither of us can deny.

I started recognising the area again, working out that it was about another ten minute walk, so not too long.

_Phil: 10 mins x_

_Dan: 10 inches._

I don't-

Sometimes-

Just-

Why, what-?

Okay.

Just okay, my Dan.


	33. *Good things from bad

**Phil**

As soon as I realised I was on the street where Dan was, I ran. The sudden weight of the backpack on my back and my body on my feet was lifted, turning into nothing but a mere concept of gravity.

'Dan!' I shouted, shoving the bag onto the floor next to him, kneeling beside his out-stretched legs. He smiled, holding my hand in his. I could tell by his face and movements that he was in pain, which quickly reminded me of why I brought a bag back. I reached to my side, unzipping the contents and spread it out across the floor. I sighed, looking pitifully up at Dan, then towards his leg, 'I'm sorry if I hurt you Dan-'

'Phil, it's fine, just ignore me.' he interrupted, to which I nodded in reply.

'If it's too much-'

'Just do it.' I nodded again, biting my lip as I made my first decision. I thought it best just to cut the fabric from the side of his shin straight off, I could see if it was salvageable and not glued to his wound with dry blood, but that only had the risk of hurting him more. I took the pair of scissors, cutting around his calf until the leg was completely separated from the rest of his trouser.

'Breath in.' I muttered, briskly peeling the material off of his wound. I heard him clench, letting out a sharp breath. It was then that I truly saw the wound. It was deep. There was skin consumed by the creature, but in some form of luck, it was mostly still there, 'Grab my shoulder.' I turned to him, commanding him to do so. He scrunched his eyebrows at me in slight confusion, preparing his other hand against the base of the wall that his back pressed against to support him. I lifted a chunk of his leg upwards.

'Fuck!' he shouted, a tension added to his voice. I instantly felt a tightened weight against my shoulder as he clenched it to control the pain. I brushed the small amount of dirt away from underneath, using tweezers to pick out a tooth that lied between the layers of muscle. I allowed the part of his leg to return to its place, much to the relief of both Dan and I.

'You alright?' I asked as he returned his hand from my shoulder to his thigh. His chest was rising up and down quickly and visibly, recovering from the sudden excruciating amount of pain.

'Yeah...' he breathed, continuing to control his breaths. I waited until he opened his eyes, nodding at me to continue as his expression remained emotionless. I used a wipe to clean away the blood, then an anti-bacterial wipe to cleanse the surrounding area and on top of the wound, both of which were painless. I took out a needle, placing the stitching thread in its eye. I hooped through the separated parts of his leg, pulling the needle out through the other end and tying the stitch, snipping the end before I repeated this around the entire wound, taking care to re-attach the muscle.

'Finished stitching.' I sighed. He chuckled, most likely from disbelief as he look at my masterpiece. He then smiled, re-adjusting himself in his sitting position, making sure his leg moved as little as possible. I took out a sticky dressing that was large enough to cover the damaged area, peeling off the protective coating and placing it over his wound. I then wrapped a bandage securely - but not too tightly - around his calf, tucking the end in. I wasn't confident it would stay, but I was most likely being overprotective. In any case, I applied a liquid plaster over his bandage to seal it all together.

'Thank God, done?' he sighed. I nodded.

'All done.' I kissed his forehead, before returning to the floor, 'But is your ankle still hurting from the fall?' his face fell from relief and slight happiness to dread and _are you actually fucking kidding me you bastard?_

I squeezed the top of it, earning a wince of pain from his mouth.

'Tell me what position it hurts least in.' I spoke to him, he nodded in reply. We eventually found the position, where it was almost fully ninety degrees upwards, but slightly less and more relaxed. I kept it there, wrapping it in a bandage before going over the material with a sticky bandage and plaster, making sure he wouldn't move that thing.

I sat by his side, his head fell onto my shoulder as he made as much of an attempt of cuddling up to me as physically possible for himself in that moment.

'Give it a couple of hours before we get going, we don't need to rush.' I whispered to him, stroking his hair as I did so.

'Okay.' he whispered back.  
  


***  
  


After a while, I stood up and then crouched back down again. I took Dan with my arm, lifting him from underneath his left shoulder and back. He slowly hopped up, using the wall as a support to stand upright.

'Hold onto the wall while I put the backpack back on.' he nodded, breathing to control the sudden onset of pain again. Once everything was back on me, I returned to him, with my arm around his back and Ev in my left arm.

'Okay.' he spoke confidently, pushing himself forwards with his good leg to support his damaged one. I looked at him to confirm that movement was alright, to which he nodded, so we continued.

It took ten minutes to reach the end of the road, but after that, we picked up the pace and moved on at the speed of if we were pottering down the street.

Another hour later, darkness began spreading itself as a dark shade of brown across the red sky. The temperature of the wind dropped to a cold breeze, sending shivers along one's arms. I noticed Dan shiver, to which I giggled slightly.

'What?' he whined at my laugh.

'Nothing, do you want my coat?' it was his turn to chuckle as he shook his head, sighing into the distance.

'You gonna do one of those cliché moments on me, now?' he asked, turning back to me and smiling.

'I didn't mean it like that! It's not a bad thing, anyway, it's cliché for a reason. You just shivered and I've got double the amount of layers than you. I'm cold for God's sake!' he sighed.

'Fine, Phil. I'll have your coat.' he sighed, again.

'My coat of arms more like!' I grinned, pulling my arms up as if to be showing my muscles, which were impossible to view under the sheets of clothing, which Dan was so reluctant to take one of. I peeled one off, helping it over his torso, to make sure he didn't fall over.

'Thanks, Phil.' he whispered, briefly placing his head on my shoulder before we continued off.

'You love cliché anyway.' I smirked, nudging him carefully with my elbow in his side.

'I do love cliché you spoon. However, me limping with my leg literally falling apart is not very cliché.'

'You called it.'

'Touché.' he smiled.

'I love you, Dan.'

'Yes Phil.' he sighed jokingly as if dealing with a child. I pouted, furrowing my eyebrows at him, 'Fine, I love you too, bastard.'

'Hey!' I complained as we continued walking towards our new camp.

Our new home.


	34. *Days gone by

**Dan**

We both sighed, collapsing against the wall after a four-hour journey and let ourselves catch up with the world for a second.

'Give me a minute, then I'll set up camp.' Phil groaned, curling into a ball and resting his head onto his knees.

'Don't rush it.' I smiled, stroking his hair in between my fingers. I eventually stopped, looking out into the distance and letting the atmosphere engulf me in its presence.

'Dan,' I heard him, but felt no urgency to pay attention, 'Dan!' I sighed, turning to him.

'Yeah?'

'Talk to me.' he took my hand, placing it on his lap. I sighed as I took a breath.

'What now, Phil? What will be now?' I waited for him to say something, to which no words passed through his lips, 'Just...I feel as if we're just to wait for the next thing to happen to us, if that makes sense. Probably not. It does to me, because we have each other, in this hopefully safe space, and we're just going to live. I've never just lived...I guess I've always had a plan for the foreseeable future.'

'Then make a plan. We wait for your leg to heal, we raise Ev and we make wetube broadcasts. What was your plan when you met me?'

'I had no plan, Phil. Well, I did and you know perfectly well what that was when you found me on the train tracks. That was the first time I had no plan, that went well...'

'Dan, you have me, you have Ev and you have wetube. You're not fighting alone anymore. You're my star, stars never shine alone.' I smiled at his words, resting my forehead on his shoulder, 'We're alright Dan. We're alright.'

December 26th it was.

Phil did eventually put the camp up, but it was late at night and possibly even in the rising of the sun. I didn't mind though, I was happy watching him and laying against his body. He helped me shuffle into the tent once it was ready, lying all three of us in the tent, huddled against the heat of the others.

I could fear every day being the same. I could fuel my switches with that fear, allowing them to grow stronger and stronger every time I did flick. But, I could also just accept this was life and take the time to have a breather. We all need that sometimes, even in the aftermath of a nuclear war that destroyed everything as the world knew. Because not all things are bad; they only are if you make them.  
  


**December 27th**

I don't really know what I'm doing. I was thinking aloud to Phil last night, where I suggested I write down things for the days I lived, whatever that may mean. He thought it was a good idea and pestered me to do it. So here I am? Nothing happened today. Well, I breathed, ate three small meals, helped care for Ev and spent all my time with Phil. Most days will probably be like this. I won't write them all.  
  


**December 29th**

Not going to lie, I forgot about this. Never mind, there's not much point to it, to be honest.  
  


**December 30th**

OKAY I'M WRITING IN CAPS THIS IS IMPORTANT!! Fuck, I don't know where to start. I literally want to scream, okay. Phil had helped me out the tent, where we rested against a wall in the house, with our pillows to comfort us, not that that's an important detail. We were just talking as I helped Ev in my lap, playing with his little hands and playing peek-a-boo to make him laugh. His giggle is so adorable. Phil joined in, every time I covered my eyes he pointed to me and said 'where's Dadda?', replying 'there he is!' when I revealed my face, looking shocked.

I'm like nineteen or twenty, how the fuck am I fathering this child?

The last time we did it, since I was getting bored with my lack of concentration skills, Phil shouted 'there's Dadda!' again, as I readjusted myself to put Ev into bed.

Ev scrunched his face up, looking at me. He raised his little paw up to me, pointing at my face.

'Dadda!' he giggled.

Phil and I both flipped, well after a long pause of my mouth hanging open without being able to make any human sound apart from a silent squeal. I'm still imploding inside with how cute Ev is. After repeating it a second time, we eventually found the will-power to put him to bed without pestering him to continue speaking, but we couldn't help it! Phil brought us all back into the tent to sleep. I think Phil twaited it before we fell asleep, but after the overwhelming amount of cuteness, I dozed off pretty quickly.  
  


**January 1st**

New year. 2010. I feel as if I should be saying something really interesting, but I have nothing. The new year is just a fact. Oh, I'm hoping to start walking again soon.

My ear is currently ringing for some reason, it just started.

Yeah, so my leg has stopped hurting as much so Phil's going to try and support me as I limp around, mainly to make sure I don't lose muscle in it.  
  


**January 8th**

I've really not had much to say. I've existed while having fun doing so. It's nice to say that actually. Phil tried to help me walk, but I collapsed and decided to roll around on the floor like a fish. What can I say, I'm a productive being?  
  


**January 27th**

Ev's pretty much seven months! It's weird how slowly he seems to be ageing, but how quickly he's _actually_ growing up. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Phil also needs a shave, I haven't told him. Kinda looks hot. I'm calling it daddy stubble.  
  


**January 30th**

Apparently, it's Phil's birth day?!

Can someone who isn't Phil explain to me what the fuck a birth day is? I'm confused. He woke up this morning, asking what the date was, to which I replied the 30th. He started to smile, poking me. I asked him why he's so happy, when he screamed it's his birth day. You can assume the conversation of how me asking what a birth day was went.

Basically, what I've got from it was the day you were born is recorded down somewhere, then every year you age up on that day. So Phil's twenty-four. Does that make him five years older than me?

How does he magically just 'age up'?

Do I have a birth day?

I've just always accepted that I can somewhat assume I can add another year to my life when the year changes. I think I was actually born in June.

I want a birth day.  
  


**February 11th**

It was fucking snowing!! We've always been warned _not_ to leave camp when it's snowing, but both Phil and I couldn't resist the fluffy whiteness! We hobbled over to a clearing with Ev, who was wrapped up in many items of mine and Phil's clothing to keep him warm. My leg was healing, I could tell since I could limp without Phil's help now, although I still preferred to take it seeming I have awful balance.

Once we made it to the space, Phil and I sat in the snow, falling onto our sides as we laid together, looking into each other's eyes. It sounds romantic, but I started chucking snow at his face, which annoyed him since Ev started getting grumpy with the cold.

The stars started to appear in the brown sky. I remember that because Phil started giving a speech.

'It's cruel how the stars are so relied upon to make the sky less miserable. However, I guess it could be a good thing, they might not be appreciated as much if they were hung directly from the natural black sky. Do you think that's the same for us, Dan? We all have the same potential to shine like a star, but it just depends on the background we're given on how much we're appreciated.' I remember smiling at him, kissing him against the cold layers of frost that whispered sweet-nothings along our spines.

'I don't, Phil. I think we just need to find the right people to appreciate us.'

How did I ever deserve Phil?  
  


**February 25th**

Ev is becoming too active for his own good. I think both Phil and I are tempted to tie him down to stop him crawling everywhere, but we've both said nothing. You can tell it in our glares when he's made his way across the room so one of us has to collect him again. It's fine once, but I've - myself - have now done it twenty times. Won't it be fun when he walks?  
  


**March 8th**

Phil took the cast off to check on it and redress it. We decided to keep the stitches in for longer, they didn't look fully healed. Everything else looked fine. I wiped it down with an anti-bacterial wipe before Phil bandaged it up for a second time. I just want to walk normally again.  
  


**April 17th**

So I think I've basically given up with this thing. I originally did it to have some purpose in a simple day, but now that I've been doing it for months, I actually really appreciate it. I'm enjoying raising my little family, that's enough for me.  
  


**April 30th**

Okay, I know I said I gave up with this, but the actual devil has kissed mine and Phil's asses.

Ev is walking.

I think there's supposed to be the stereotypical 'oh look at our amazing child, he's grown up so much, let's watch him become independent but it's also sad because he's growing up' thing, but it was mostly dread.

Okay, I admit he looks like an adorable duck when he tries to waddle around, but give it a month and he'll be running.

Awe, maybe we can play football, that'd be cute.  
  


**July 18th**

Ev's basically a year old!

I'm supposed to be twenty now, as well. Pfft, nobody cares about that, they just want the child.

GIVE US THE CHILD.

That's the main twat Phil and I receive from our followers. Kind of ominous, to be honest.

I'm sad though, Ev seems to have no interest in a ball.

I WILL ENGRAVE IT IN HIM.

HE WILL LIKE THE FOOT.  
  


**October 16th**

Phil and I decided we were going to do another pinof broadcast, which was the title of our first take together. 'Pinof 2'

Maybe we could do this yearly.

I wonder how long this could last?

[As long as the stars continue to burn xx]

Phil, don't write in my notes.

[ :( ]

You know, the stars will suddenly explode one morning and we'll be like 'oh shit, bad metaphor for our entire lives.

[]

Fine, you can write.

[Yay!]

I have a better comparison for how long the pinofs could last.

[How long?]

As long as your dick!

[I sighed out loud.]

You love me.

[Of course I do.]

Good, you'd forgive me for forgetting to close the zip on the tent with Ev in there.

[You've got to be fucking kidding.]

I love you.


	35. *November 2010

**Phil**

'What are you doing, honey?' I asked, perching myself next to Dan who was sitting on the windowsill of the aged building. Sometimes I'd worry when he was staring out, unsure of whether he was just being existential or if he'd switched. I watched his eyes glisten as he stared out into the heavy rain, which became more silenced with every droplet. It was times like this I wished I could draw. That way, I could capture the look on his face and keep it forever. Photos are never the same. Dan's too much of a masterpiece for a camera. He continued staring out as his body visibly relaxed in my presence. I wrapped my arm around his body, pulling him to my chest as much as possible in the small area we had to sit on the frame.

'Just watching.' he muttered. There was something in his face and in his voice that spoke something that had never been spoken by Dan before. That was peace. He seemed content as well, for what I didn't know, but maybe I didn't need to. I decided to 'just watch' with Dan as the rain splattered against the thinning glass, the small taps running in miniature streams down the pane, 'Where's Ev?' he asked, face turning towards me with a smile hushed with tranquillity spread across his cheeks. His eyes darted across my face, analysing God knows what this time.

'I put him to bed just now.' I whispered into his ear, brushing the side of his neck, just behind the ear, with my lips. Ev had started becoming more regular with his sleep patterns, much to the benefit of Dan and me.

He smiled at me, placing his hands on my shoulders and pulling himself over my lap. I slid my hands around his waist as his head rested sideways on my shoulder. I kept my legs firmly planted on the floor, otherwise we'd slide off and cause more injury than necessary. Dan's breathing grazed across my collar in shallow, relaxed breaths.

We stayed here for a while, content in the other's arms as the tipping of the rain died down into mere nothingness. I took a breath inwards, placing a kiss against his cheek, then returning my head upwards to rest on his forehead.

'Should we check your leg?' he sighed before reluctantly nodding, us standing together as we walked over to the tent. He was wearing his black jeans, so removed them before undoing his own bandages. We both stared in anticipation as the sticky dressing was peeled off, hoping it was all healed. Gratefully, it was. He smiled up at me.

I discarded the bandages from his hands, taking the scissors from the first-aid pack. I snipped away the stitches I made almost a year ago before wrapping a fresh bandage around his lower leg.

'Almost healed.'

'Almost.'

There's something chilling about the word almost. You almost got there. You almost reached your goal. You almost succeeded. You almost smiled. You almost laughed. You almost fell asleep crying in my arms. You almost gave up. You almost stopped trying. You almost told yourself your good thoughts were lying to you. They were never lying to you. They told you that you'd find the one to hold you, to love you and let you know everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I know it wasn't good enough at the time but I thank you for going on, because you not only saved yourself, but me, too. Me, too. I know you were alone for those nineteen years of your life and I'm sorry for meeting you eighteen too late, but I'm here now. I won't go anywhere.

Just promise you won't, either.

Please promise me, Dan.

The thing about 'almost' is it feels like a stretch away, as if you pushed a bit further you'd make it. There's something intimidating about it, because you almost succeeded is like telling you that you were so, so close to achieving what you wanted, but you still failed. Yet, saying you almost gave up seems motivational. It's as if even though your world was caving in and the darkness swept you off of your feet as if you were prepared to be taken away, you still tried. You still try.

Dan pulled himself into my arms, resting along the left side of my body as he hung onto me. He needs to see that he's strong enough to keep going, without needing me to support him. It's frustrating because I know he can do it, but he hasn't even considered it.

I brushed his jawline with my index finger, snaking it around to his chin and lifting his head. Our lips gently met, quickening against each other as he straddled his bare legs over my waist.

'Dan, promise me you'll never leave me.'

'I promise.'

'Promise you won't give up?' I whispered into his right cheek.

'I promise.'

'You won't ever tell yourself I don't love you, again?'

'I promise for as long as you shine, Phil.' I backed away, smiling as Dan lifted my shirt over my head, pushing my back onto the mats of our tent. I took his waist in my arm, pulling him onto his side so we were facing each other. I pressed my lips against his again, pulling my body over his. He removed his shirt, gripping onto the back of my belt with his fingers, pulling my body downwards, 'If Ev cries-' I chuckled, sliding my belt out from around my waist and shifting my trousers off. I rested my body to Dan's right side, leaning on my left shoulder as our lips remained connected. My right hand was placed on his left hip, caressing the sensitive skin. He pulled his weight onto my back, causing me to shift slightly in position and my thigh to brush against his crotch. He gasped, biting my bottom lip as he smiled, chuckling between us.

'You're beautiful.' I whispered into his ear.

'I know,' I backed away, returning the pink tints on his cheeks on my own, 'Because if _you're_ telling me that, you must be saying something-' my drive pushed me against him, feeling his arms tighten around my torso, 'Phil.'

The distant patter of rain droplets, once the centre of our attention now, in the same evening, merely background noise. Not all things remain important forever,

But some things, you know will stay.

★★ ★✩★★✩✩✩★★★✩★ ✩★✩✩ ✩✩✩★★✩


	36. *Stone cold

**Dan**

My eyes fluttered open, my bare chest pressed to Phil's left side as my leg was wrapped around his. I smiled, shuffling closer to him as I buried my neck between his back and the tent mats.

'You alright there Bear?' he asked with his voice hoarse from sleep. His fingers intertwined themselves in my hair as he smoothed out the strands. I took in his scent, willingly letting myself drift off to sleep again, 'Don't fall back asleep, I've been waiting for you.' I groaned, pulling my face out and pouting. He kissed my nose then shuffled himself up the bed, the covers falling past his chest.

'What time is it?' I spoke with my voice low and strained.

'An hour since I woke up to feed Ev.' Phil sighed as I noticed the small figure cradled to the other side of his body.

'You should've woken me up.' I muttered, clinging onto his body in hopes of warmth.

'I wasn't going to risk that this morning.' he chuckled. I shook my head smiling at him.

'When did you decide I'd be his dadda?' I asked, aiming my question towards the sleeping child.

'You woke up three minutes ago and you're already asking questions like this,' Phil sighed, shaking his head at me with a grin on his face and sprinkled across his eyes, 'When you held him for the first time I decided you could be a great dad to him. When you tied him to your chest to keep him safe when we left the box was when I decided you were his.'

I smiled to myself, allowing me to be engulfed in the warmth of the sheets for another God-knows-how-long length of time. Phil eventually sighed, sitting fully upright as he started to rummage round in the pile of clothes we'd left beside us.

'Phil...' I groaned in reluctance to his movements.

'We can't lie around all day.'

'Why...?' I moaned. He dumped a pile of clothes on the sheets that were spread across my body. I groaned again before sitting upright. I cuddled the fabrics to my chest, watching Phil as he slipped on his shirt beneath the covers then stood up. He finished dressing himself, turning around and meeting my gaze.

'Were you just staring at me.' I smiled, nodding as he returned to sit on the sheets.

'See, why get dressed if we're just going to sit here?' I whined again.

'Because funnily enough, it's fucking distracting knowing you're naked all day.' I blushed, chuckling slightly as I slipped on my clothes, feeling the copy of a stare against my body as I did so.

I let out a sharp sigh as I dumped my body back on the mats, curling up into Phil again. I stared at Ev over his body, watching the snoozing being.

'Can we wake him up?' I muttered, my face pulled into a small smile. Phil glared at me, a look as if to ask if I was joking.

'Are you serious?' he asked. I chuckled and rolled over onto my back.

'I was, but I'm reconsidering it.' he shook his head at me and stood up, 'Where are you going?' he shrugged his shoulders, offering out a hand to me. I let my fingers intertwine with his, feeling his pull as he held me upwards from the bed. His hand slipped round my waist, pulling me into his body as we headed towards the window from yesterday.

We stood watching the silent world, with the occasional dried up leaf falling from the autumnal trees. If there's one thing I'm grateful for from the after-effects of the nuclear attacks, it's the trees. They're probably not healthy, but they look beautiful with their blackened trunks and radiated green-yellow leaves. It almost looks intergalactic. Again, I probably shouldn't be thankful for something that's probably causing me to breathe in deadly chemicals.

As we stared out into the cold outdoors, Phil slipped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

'I can't help but feel lonely sometimes.' he muttered into my ear. I turned to him, placing my hand on his chest as I did so.

'What do you mean?' I asked, concern written across my face as I darted my eyes across his features to try and analyse his thoughts. We always had to look out for each other; always had to be aware if the other started to switch.

'It's as if the three of us are the last alive, surviving with little resources we have left in lifeless conditions.' he remained staring towards the outside as my eyes stared deeply into his.

'Maybe it is, but we've been with only the three of us for two years now...apart from the three-month gap a year ago...' Phil's eyes suddenly darted towards mine, worriedly placing his hands beneath my shoulder. I started to look down, but he lifted my chin up with his right index finger.

'Dan, I didn't mean to bring that up-'

'I know you didn't,' I interrupted, 'I was the one who did,' I sighed, 'But I don't mind, it's in the past.' he smiled at me, to which I returned the expression. He quickly placed his lips against mine before pulling away and holding my waist in his hands.

'On the other side, it is _only_ us three.' Phil smirked slightly, I slapped his shoulder as I shook my head, turning to look outside again.

'Cheeky shit.' I muttered, to which he chuckled at. I rested my body into Phil's, taking a long breath as I did so, 'Do you ever think about what and who Ev will be?'

''What'? Yes, of course I think he could turn into a mutant ant.' Phil spoke with sarcasm.

'No,' I chuckled, 'Like, will he be brave, confident, extroverted? Or will he be the total opposite and-'

'Be like us?' he chuckled.

'Guess so.' I laughed.

'I do wonder, sometimes I stare at him to see if there's any signs. He's quite quiet already, but I think it's just on how we raise him.'

'You don't think he's born with somewhat of a personality.'

'I don't know, maybe...I don't know enough people to make that judgement.'

'I do. My mum used to tell me I was just like my uncle in every way possible, apart from looks. But, I never met him.'

'That's interesting, I'd like to have known Louise's family better to see if Ev turns out like someone from her side.' Phil sighed.

'Do you ever feel bad about Ev and Louise?'

'Of course I do, it's who I am, but she made the decision.' I pierced my lips and nodded, resting my head on Phil's collar.

'Do you think Ev has had his first memory?' I mumbled into his chest.

'Maybe, it's not a very interesting life. He might forget it if something more interesting happens.'

'If one of us dies, will he remember us?'

'I don't know, but I won't let him forget you...but you won't die.'

'Neither will you.'

'Good.'

'Good.'


	37. *Snow puddles

**Dan**

_My back pressed against the cold stone wall, the wire cuffs tightly bounding my wrists together with the thin, sharp material. My back was sore from the oddly shaped position it had fallen into last night as I somewhat slept, but that was barely manageable with the harsh sounds of cracks and wines. It'd be less unnerving if the noises were from outside, but I knew some were just across the corridor._

_I'd already tried lifting myself into a more comfortable position, but I'd lost too much energy to have remotely enough to do such a task. That's when I heard the slams get closer, my body going into panic as each one approached. My face scrunched up and I was chanting 'no' to the empty space of the room, begging for something to change. I tried huddling into a ball against the wall, but it was barely manageable before-hand, let alone with fear rattling my organs as my body was violently shaking. The last slam happened, but that was no good news as it was on my door. I think back now, knowing that the hunters must have been aware of the horrific despair each of their prisoners were feeling, meaning they were purely committing psychological torture every moment they decided to do something like this. Something to stay with someone for life._

_The door slid open, a man stepped in with the wide smile I'd dreaded to get to know. The same man that had caused at least over half of the marks now scattered across my skin. He crouched at the door, slowly creeping in up to me and when he did, knelt in front of me and stared right into my eyes. I stared back. If anything, it was grounding for my mind to know that this thing was still somewhat human. I don't actually know if that was a good thing to be reminded of or not, but the eye contact gave a sense of relief for me in my state._

_The man started prodding my arms, nodding as he did so. He occasionally pinched an area, once hard enough to make me wince back in pain. He laughed, of course he laughed. Why wouldn't he?_

_He turned my left arm over, approached his finger to my forearm where the inside of my elbow was showing. He poked it, pinched it and moved it around as if to inspect it. The man nodded, smiling to himself as he pulled out a blade from his back pocket. A rush of fear flooded every inch of me, making me close to throwing up that exact second. In hindsight, I should've aimed for the man. Instead, I breathed before he put the knife to the spot of skin and pushed it into the muscle. I freaked out, losing my body and passing out,_ which happened to be - and I'm grateful for - was the same moment I woke up.

I held my knees to my face in the tent, the sheets falling off my chest as I did so. I felt Phil turn to me, his face beaming out with excitement. I shook my head to no one in particular, then rested my forehead into my knees and closed my eyes to steady my breath.

'It's Christmas?!' Phil exclaimed with less excitement than I imagined he would have at the statement, sounding almost like a question in the tone he stuttered the words. I looked up and his face dropped, his body instantly shuffling closer to mine.

'Dan, everything's fine,' he spoke with a calming manner to his voice, his arm wrapped itself around my body as he pulled me closer to himself, 'Just breathe.' I nodded, piercing my lips and embracing the shuffle towards his body he'd opened up to me. He waited a couple of minutes for my breathing to steady out and the warm tears that had started to trickle down my face only moments ago to settle against my skin, 'Do you want to say what's wrong?'

I sighed, pulling my head slightly out of his chest as I replaced it with his shoulder, 'J-j-just a...' I tightened my lips in between my teeth not realising I was going to stutter so much in speech, I swallowed before I began again, 'Memory came back in my dreams.' he nodded, rubbing his hand against my side to soothe me.

'Merry Christmas.' Phil whispered in my ear once I'd calmed down and some energy had returned to my face. He was good at relaxing me, but I guess he'd grown to know what I needed since this was just one of the handful of dreams I'd woken up to.

'Merry Christmas, Phil.' I smiled, watching as he clapped his hands and turned to the side. He pulled out something small wrapped in cloth. I squinted my eyes, trying to already guess what was inside. He passed the mass of material towards me, staring at me intently as I unravelled the material through my fingers. I smiled once I saw a collection of characters we'd seen in games we'd played together. He'd drawn them - better than I'd have thought he could, which showed the amount of time he must have spent on it - and handmade a key chain with wire.

I started shaking slightly, Phil looked concerned towards me and he placed his hand on my knee, 'What is it Dan?'

I bit my lip and sighed, shaking my head slightly as I spoke, 'Wire...' I mumbled, quickly stammering out the rest of the sentence after, 'B-but it's fine! It's only b-because I just had the nightmare.' my eyes were wide with hope that he was convinced, I truly did love the gift. He smiled back at me, nodding his head as the brightness returned to his cheeks.

I turned around, pulling out a curved metal plate thing.

'Well, I did make a really cute pet snowman,' I sighed, 'But I guess he got too excited for Christmas.' I laughed as I reasoned, pulling out the puddle of water that somewhat still had lumps of ice in it. Phil just chuckled, shaking his head at me and looking as if to say _are you that dumb?_ 'I'm not clever, okay?!' I whined, pressing the plate towards him.

'I'll treasure it.' Phil chuckled, shaking his head at me again.

'When I saw that yesterday, I realised I should also do this.' I then pulled out an old container cap which had three rocks in. I'd drawn eyes on them with a bluntie pen and gave them expressions to match our personalities. Ev was the tiny rock that sat between the other two rocks. Phil's face relaxed, turning to an 'o' shape as he gently poked the rocks. I say gentle, but nothing can be delicate with Phil as his clumsy fingers knocked the stack over. We both chuckled, smiling towards each other.

Ev began to whimper, sitting upright in his bed and looking cross.

'What is it Ev?' I asked.

'Nom.' he snapped, hitting his hand against his mouth.

'Breakfast it is.' Phil giggled, pulling Ev towards his chest.

We were starting to cut back on food supplies, both knowing we were running out but couldn't bring the words to our lips. We'd sort it out when the time came.

I pulled out my connector and scrolled through, sending a twait to wish everyone a happy Christmas. There were a few twaits back wishing the same thing, but multiple were just links to stories.

Wait for what?

'What's wrong?' Phil asked as I'd had my face scrunched up. I relaxed it.

'Oh, nothing.' I replied, concentration still firmly on the links. I clicked one, seeming they all seemed identical, and read the title.

Snow Fic.

Phil and I had kept our relationship reasonably private, it was our life and we didn't see the need to tell any of our followers yet. Oh boy did I regret even publicising that we spent time together as I read through my screen. I got to the end, mentally scared at whatever shit I just read.

'Hey...hey Phil?'

'Yeah.'

'Read this.'


	38. *snacks

**Phil**

I was awakened in the middle of the night to Ev's cries, demanding whatever attention he wanted. I felt Dan shuffle up the mats to the side of me, also woken by the brat. Okay, I'm being harsh and he's getting much better at sleeping through the night, but sometimes you don't want to be woken up from certain dreams.

I groaned, pulling myself to Ev's heap of blankets which we'd decided was his bed. He seemed to like it, so that's all that really mattered. I lifted Ev towards me, Dan shuffling sleepily to my side. I've always dealt with being woken up at deathly hours better than him.

I was rocking Ev up and down, trying to get him to calm down slightly.

'What do you want Ev? Hey?' I whispered, still rocking my legs up and down. His crying seemed to die down with no specific reasoning, so I returned to lying on my back, but placed Ev on my chest to cuddle against my body. Dan also shuffled towards my side, wrapping his limbs around my body as he drifted off to sleep. Without disturbing Ev, I tried nudging Dan to wake him up again.

'What?' he grumbled into my side.

'I'm bored.' I whined.

'Play with Ev.' he snapped, burrowing his head into my ribcage.

'Daaaaan.'

'Ugh,' he sighed, pulling himself away from me and turning his head upwards, 'What?'

'Keep me entertained.' Dan's eyebrow raised itself as he looked directly at me, 'Not like _that_ -' Dan put his hands up as if to be surrendering.

'You said it.' he smirked.

'You're just a horny shit.'

'Touché,' he chuckled, 'Now can I sleep?'

'No. So you can't entertain me but you can make innuendos at-' I checked the time beside me, 'One-oh-three am?'

'Yes.'

I groaned, pouting at Dan.

'Fine,' he whined, 'What do you want to do?'

'I don't know, you're supposed to be entertaining me!' I complained, to which Dan just groaned and turned his back towards me.

'Night Phil!'

I lifted now sleeping Ev back into his blankets, lying on my side once I did so. I pouted, watching Dan and waiting for him to do something. He rolled onto his back, head turning towards me once he noticed I was staring.

'Are you fucking kidding?' he groaned.

'No!'

'Phil, _sleep_.' he demanded.

'Ugh.' I sighed, relaxing my body against the mats. I resorted to my last option: continuously poking Dan's side until he caves in.

Which I was still doing five minutes later.

'FINE! What?' he snapped, turning towards me. My face beamed up once I'd got his attention again.

'Do something with meee!'

'Why aren't you tired?' he whined.

'Ev's messed up my body clock.'

'Go on your connector or something.' he suggested, waving his hand to my device.

'No! I am not doing anything on my connector that you tell me to. Not after _that_.' I was still mentally scarred, even a week and a half later. Dan chuckled, 'It wasn't funny!'

'Oh common, you must have enjoyed it a little bit?' Dan smirked.

'No! It was weird, gross and no.' Dan bit his lip as he chuckled, rolling his eyes at me, 'Don't tell me you enjoyed it.' he just shrugged his shoulders and shuffled towards me.

'Sleep.' he whispered towards me. I gave up on Dan and allowed him to fall into his dreams against my body, his arms wrapped against my chest. Reluctantly, I turned on my connector and went through whatever I could. I opened my twatter and scrolled through the direct messages, somewhat replying to what I wanted to. One message got me interested though, it was a group chat of a whole load of wetubers.

_Hey peeps, ignore this if you want to but you all live in england if im right so in celebration of fireworks being allowed off for the first time after the nukes, I thought we could let a few off together or something. there'll be snacks._

_I'm in for snacks._

_Cool, also add anyone else you know who broadcasts in england._

_Sounds good! im in._

_someone forgot to add Dan._

_oh oops._

_added._

_Phil would've told him anyway._

_Have you got the fireworks?_

_yep!_

_Wow cool, where from?_

_they were left in a shop, guess no one took them seeming theyre useless._

I nudged Dan awake, again.

'Fuck sake, what Phil?'

'There's a wetuber party thing, wondering if you want to go?'

'When?'

'I don't know, I'll ask.'

_Hey guys! When would it be?_

_hey phil, dunno thinking a couple of days? celebrate new years late!_

_Cool and where?_

_Milton Keynes? Pretty desolate there so it wouldn't matter too much._

_Sounds good, Dan and I are a day away from there._

_Yeah same._

_I'm on the outskirts already._

_So we're just going to be a bunch of broadcasting weirdos meeting up?_

_Yeah, who's in, I'll delete the others._

_Me_

_Me_

_Me and Dan_

_Probs_

_Yh sure_

_Me_

'Dan, in the morning we're gonna pack up and head to Milton Keynes.'

'Okay. Sleep.' I turned my connector off, rolling onto my side and shit I've got an idea.


	39. *Promise

**Phil**

'What the fuck are we doing this for?' Dan groaned as we headed out of the building we'd known to become our home. Ev was attached to his front with a long piece of material as we shared the rest of the supplies in bags on our shoulders.

'Dan! It'll be fun! You can't _only_ talk to me, you know?'

'Yes I can. Who says I can't?'

'Me. You're annoying.'

'Hey!' he pouted, punching my arm. I chuckled.

' _Kidding_.' I whined.

'You're not though! You love me.'

'Of course I do.'

'Plus, I talk to Ev.' I rolled my eyes at Dan, shaking my head. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and pulled his body towards mine.

'It won't be that bad, we're only a few hours away from Milton Keynes anyway.'

'Ugh, fine I'll stop whining.'

We continued along the motorway for the majority of the time, occasionally spotting a shortcut across a field or so, but you never know who has dominated the land you're walking on. At least with roads, you can have faith in that you're safe.

'Phil?'

'Hm?'

'What happens if it's a trap?' I turned to Dan for the first time in a while, noticing the strain of anxiety in his voice. I gasped slightly to myself, not letting Dan notice my shock. He'd bitten at his knuckles on his hands, which were now red and swollen. He had scratches on the back of his hands and fingernail marks on his wrists.

'Dan, if you were worried, you should've told me.' I whispered, stopping him and grasping onto his shoulders. He looked down, but I continued to try and make eye contact with him as I help my grip on him.

'I'm sorry.' he started scratching at his hand again. I grasped it in mine, pulling it into both of my hands and towards my body.

'Never be sorry for emotions, not something you're trying to control on your own.' I mumbled, planting a soft kiss against his forehead. I suddenly felt his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into an extended hug with the infant between our bodies.

'We're safe, I'll never put you in danger or harm you Dan.'

'Promise?' I nodded, gripping his hand in one of mine and pulling it to my side as we continued to walk, intertwining my fingers in his.

We walked in silence again for a while, the winter sun blowing its beams down onto us in windy chills. I heard Dan chuckle, to which got my attention.

'What?' I asked, a smile to my face.

'I'm hopeless, Phil.' my face dropped.

'What, why?' I asked, looking towards him.

'What happens if you prefer someone here than me?' I chuckled at his concern.

'You are hopeless.'

'See!'

'I will never love anyone as much as I love you.'

'That's cheesy.'

'It's supposed to be cheesy.'

'Alright then.'

_Just got to the park, am I the first one here?_

_Yup but im a block away._

_Coolio._

_Is that you?_

_yap_

_Five minutes away!_

_Phil and i are ten minutes away._

_Guys I just twisted my ankle, leave me out this time._

_Oh you sure?_

_Yeah, see you another time bro!_

_I'll wait up afterwards, still make your way over if you can._

'People are starting to arrive.' Dan muttered.

We eventually made our way to a park, my gut starting to drop.

'Dan, on second thoughts we don't have to do this.' I mumbled, anxiously shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

'Wait, why? You dragged me here!'

'I have a bad feeling now.'

'Come on! You got me excited! We'll be fine. I promise.'

'Promise?'

'To the stars.' I sighed, nodding as we entered the park. We saw a small crowd of nerdy-looking adults, so automatically assumed we'd made it to the right place, 'What nerds do you think are gay?'

'Dan!'

'What? Just curious.' we chuckled, before I replied a minute later.

'Chances? All of them.' we chuckled again as we approached the group.

'Hey guys!' a short, pale-skinned male shouted over-enthusiastically.

'Oh my God.' Dan muttered next to me. I scrunched my eyebrows at him in confusion, also noticing a look of recognition on the male's face.

'No- Are you?'

'What the fuck? Chri-?' they both chuckled, both seemingly as confused and shocked as I was.

'Hey Dan, uh.'

'Can someone explain?' I managed to ask.

'Oh, yeah right. When I went back to get Ev, Chris was in the same room as-' my face tensed at Dan's words, 'No, no listen. He wanted to get out, he was brought up in there but hated it.' I was still confused but held a hand out.

'Nice to meet you?' I spoke softly, saying it as if it were more of a question than a statement.

'Nice you to meet! Wait-' I chuckled at Chris' similar awkwardness to mine, 'This is Pj, my...'

'His friend.' I exchanged a sideways glance to Dan, both suppressing our smiles.

'I'm Phil, this is Dan. Also my _friend_.' we all stood there awkwardly for a second.

'So, well the others are over here, a few more are to arrive.'

The four of us grouped with the rest, standing around and exchanging the occasional awkward conversation. Putting a ton of outerweb folks in a social situation should be a crime. I started remembering this thing and was getting anxious, jumping on my feet.

'Are you alright Phil?' it took me a second to hear Dan's question.

'Oh, me. Right, yeah. How come?' I wrapped my arms around my body.

'Because you seem more anxious than the time you stood against the doorway in your box that time.'

'You were anxious then?'

'Phil, you bloody well know I was! Stop changing the subject.' I awkwardly laughed, turning away to avoid more conversation.

'Let's do this!' we heard a very excited Chris yell. He started letting off a few of the fireworks which echoed their lights through the dark sky. I had my arm wrapped around Dan's body as he stroked the strands of Ev's hair. Dan's head fell onto my shoulder, arms snaking around me as he pulled me closer. We both didn't know what to say as we watched the spiral of colours engulf themselves into the sky. I turned to Dan, who was already staring at me with a smile on both of our faces. I pressed my lips against his briefly, careful not to let anyone spot us. I doubt they would though, everyone was intensely staring at their first fireworks.

'Phil.' I froze at the voice, turning around. Dan stuttered in his movement, but also soon after turned to see who I'd heard. I bit my lip to repress any words, Dan's hand hovering over Ev's body in protection.

'What do you want?' Dan growled, slightly stepping in front of me. I stepped over him, allowing him to retreat slightly. This wasn't his issue.

'Louise...' I sighed, knowing this wasn't at all what I'd had planned.

'Look, I'm sorry-'

'Save it, I don't care. It's a shame I haven't seen you since because you were my friend, but _Ev_ Louise. _Ev_.' there was an unwelcome hostility in the tone of my voice.

'I know, Phil you have to-'

'Don't even bother trying to apologise to me, just...' I stepped out of the moment, realising we had eyes on us from the gathering of people. I was choosing to ignore the bump that was formed against her stomach, that was the last thing I should be caring about. I wasn't jealous, I miss her as a friend but I'd stopped mourning that over a year ago. She left Ev. She's replacing Ev.

'Phil, we're going.' Dan whispered in my ear. I didn't think, just followed him out, continuing to do so until he'd made a decision on the building our new camp would be set up in. It was a decent building, just an old shop by the looks of it, completely ransacked of any belongings.

I held a hand to my forehead, dropping all the bags off of my shoulders and collapsing against a wall. I allowed my knees to give way beneath me, violently pulling me towards the ground. I felt Dan open my hand in his, placing a small object in my palm, closely followed by sounds from his connector.

'Is this muse?' I sighed, all my emotions blocked behind the simple question.

'Mmhm.' he muttered, passing me a glass of purified water. I realised he'd passed me one of my tablets, I sighed and decided not to argue about taking it, he only wanted the best for me, 'How the hell did I not know you liked Muse?' he chuckled, cuddling up to my side. He was holding Ev against his chest, stroking his cheek.

We allowed the world to pass against us for a while, soaking ourselves in the music and watching the world from inside the building through a pane of glass. We had quite a pretty view, a few trees and a bridge. I'd concluded from the bridge there was a lake nearby, so I stood up and grabbed Dan's hand, dragging him outside with me.

We passed by the lake, music still playing muffled sounds from the back of Dan's pocket in his jeans. The fireworks were still displaying an array of colours into the sky. I bit my lip, turning to face Dan as I took one of his hands in mine, his other supporting a sleeping Ev. His skin was pale, but there was an obvious contrast between my even paler tone. His eyes were holding something I'd never seen before: trust. Not for me, I'd seen that already. Not for the world, no one can trust that thing. But for fate, for existence and for promises.

'Dan?' I breathed.

'Hm?' he smiled.

'We need to stop making promises.' his face dropped slightly, putting an urgency in me to rekindle the expression that made his eyes flicker thousands of shades of brown.

'What do you-'

'Because promises are just words.' his face held a stare with mine, face reading no expression, but again every expression possible, 'But, make me one more promise that isn't a word.'

'What...' I lowered myself to the floor. My mum always told me to do it traditionally and do it right, or don't do it at all. Dan was a traditional cheesy bastard anyway, he'd appreciate it more than he'd let me know. A smile beamed against my face as I revealed two identical rings in my palm. He just stared at them as if he didn't know what they were.

Did he know what they were?

He knelt in front of me, grabbing my hand and pushing his weight against my body, gently lowering us to the damp floor with Ev still in his hand. We lied against the cobbles together, Dan's body holding me towards the ground.

'Shit the rings-' they'd slipped through my fingers onto the ground, but Dan just pushed his lips against mine, telling me to forget they even existed. Our bodies remained pressed against each other in the bitter cold of the winter night, yet we continued to contain the warmth of our bodies. He backed away a millimetre, stroking the wisps of hairs on my hairline, holding our noses against each other as he stared through my eyes.

'I promise.' 


	40. *Guess it was fate

**Dan**

I woke up with my bare body pressed against Phil's. I looked around the tent we'd set up in a hurry. It was quite surprising that it hadn't collapsed on us in the night. I lifted myself onto my side, reaching over to stroke Phil's face to wake him up, but as I did so, I noticed the reflection from the gap in the tent reflect off of the metal piece on my finger.

I smiled like an idiot to myself, collapsing against the mats back onto my spine. I twisted the metal around my finger and closed my eyes.

'Dan?' a tired Phil groaned. I felt him shuffle onto his side to face me, 'You seem awfully happy.' I opened my eyes again, feeling my cheeks expand the impossible more centimetre to widen my smile. I jumped up, arms flinging themselves around Phil's neck as I pulled myself up to kiss him. He gasped slightly at the unexpected action. He should really be used to my spontaneous hugs first thing in the morning by now.

Phil's arms reached out to put his hands either side of my body to support himself as I pulled my weight down onto him, pulling him against my body on the mats. I felt the warmth of his lips firmly brush against my own, his teeth gripping my bottom lip as I began to smile again.

We pulled away eventually, well after Phil made multiple attempts to but he gave in when I pulled him back down onto me. He turned to his other side to reach for his connector.

'Phil?'

'Hm.'

'Will we register or is it too risky?' with the war, the traditional marriage was eradicated. It tended to be you proposed with two rings and that basically was the bond for life. People can register their marriage but it has to be done at a station in various buildings spread across the country, so few people did so with the risks that came with that.

'Dan.'

'Hm?'

'We're gay.' I blinked at him, allowing him to continue, 'You can't register gay marriages.'

'Well, shame for them they won't have our cute asses on their crappy system.'

'As much as I'm appreciating your naked ass right now, we need to get dressed.

'Ughh.' I sighed, rolling onto my back again and closing my eyes. I felt the ring hit the mat as I did so, causing the smile to rush through my cheeks again.

'Stop smiling, it's creeping me out.' Phil snickered, gently kissing my nose before standing up. I felt his half of the sheets collapse against the mats beside me.

I opened my eyes. Of course I fucking opened my eyes. I'm not even going to pretend I didn't open my eyes when the only material that kept his bare self covered fell off of him. Why would I? He's mine now anyway.

I chuckled again.

He's mine.

Mine?

_Mine?_

'Phil, why do you love me?' I asked, genuine confusion reaching my voice.

'Don't you dare do this again!' he complained as he rummaged through our bags.

'No, but-'

'Here!' he jokingly snapped, throwing a pile of clothes for me to wear onto my stomach. I groaned, sitting upright.

'Why do we have to get dressed today anyway?'

'There's a supply train that upturned on its track, Chris dropped a message to let us know it could be rummaged.' my face froze, mouth widening.

'Why didn't you tell me that sooner?!' I gasped, already snaking on my clothes in a hurry.

'You were kind of hot being needy.'

'Phil _food_.' I saw a shimmer of a smirk against his face, 'Phil you can't prioritise being horny over basic survival needs.'

'Says who?'

'My stomach!'

We were soon both ready with Ev tied against Phil's chest. We both had our belts on with weapons slipped into the gaps for protection; it will be a busy area, you don't know who's going to be around. I felt kind of bad-ass all strapped up with my weapons as we headed towards danger. Just me? Okay.

Neither Phil nor I spoke of it, but it almost seemed like fate that we had sudden access to supplies; we'd have run out soon. We'd both lost weight since both of us had cut back on eating to make sure the other had enough to survive. But in both doing so we were both eating too little, at least we were preserving for longer.

We slid out of the doors and made our way over to the tracks, it'd be about a thirty-walk at a fast paste, which was necessary if we actually wanted to get some scraps before they're all gone. Annoyingly, we'd already come this way on our journey over to the fireworks yesterday, but we were still closer than our original destination which was a good thing.

Guess it was fate.

'What's the plan for when we get there?' I asked Phil as we trod along a small field, being as quick as possible with the weight of our bags on our shoulders.

He sighed, 'One of us should stay back with Ev keeping a lookout, but still in eye-view. The other should fill the bag with as much food that's preservable as possible.'

'You stay with Ev, he's already attached to your stomach and you...well, you-'

'I have the gun.' I nodded, not bringing words to my lips. There was a pause in our conversation as we clambered over the fence back onto the main road, the tracks had just come into sight, 'Pj and Chris offered to set up camp together not too far away, what do you think?' I considered this for a while, weighing out the possibilities.

They could be murderers, yet I highly doubt that.

They could be planning to steal our supplies, both new and old.

They could use on of us for ransom.

But, they might offer to even out our supplies.

They could have tactics Phil and I haven't yet thought of.

They could help with Ev.

Neither of them really seem like the murderous types anyway, well-

'Dan?'

'Mmhmm,' I nodded, 'Sounds good.'

'Sure?'

'Yeah.'

'Okay cool, they've already left the tracks fully stocked up, they're making their way to the South of the city.'

'Milton Keynes?'

'Mmhmm.'

'Okay.' the plan sounded legit so it'd make sense to go through with it. I doubt we planned to stay together for too long, especially if Phil and I are planning to stay hidden about our relationship. On second thought they were giving me vibes that they-

'Are we taking our rings off?' I scrunched my eyes for a second before I realised what he was getting at. If we were going to keep us to a low, marriage rings weren't the best option funnily enough. A bit like trying to hide a broken leg with a neon cast.

That's when we saw it. A thirty-carriage supply train fully of-coursed. The front carriage looked as if it had exploded, small sparks shooting out at various angles across the plain. I'd make an estimate that the back twenty carriages were still standing upright, but the front five - at least - were spun over onto their sides, colliding with shrubs along the tracks. Train tracks are fearful enough with the '80s and '90s graffiti spread across red-brick walls that were collapsing under their own weight, buildings long abandoned. There were buildings from all times spread across the miles this track followed, various bricks from the Victorians up until a decade or so ago. It makes me wonder about the history, what were the buildings used for? Who built them? Did anyone ever die in them? Most of the buildings across the track seemed industrial, most likely because residential buildings would tend to have been built away from the rustle and whines of the trains passing by. Those residential lots that were positioned along the track were normally small-scaled flats with little or no windows in them, the cheapest of the kind that almost seemed like prison cells. Now the train tracks seemed even more frightening with the creaking of the train evermore threatening to continue to topple over, ever so slightly grinding against the metal railway.

'Should I wait here?' Phil mumbled, also obviously taken back by the sight. I sighed, nodding in response.

'Keep a lookout, I'll fill a bag up. Look for me in fifteen if I'm not out.' we exchanged a small smile to each other before I nodded and turned off. Not all goodbyes are supposed to be sentimental, especially if they're only going to be for a few minutes.

I kicked the metal step of the train, making sure the boundary was safe. Nothing fell apart, luckily else I'd be dead, so I wedged the door open and slid it across its hinges. I stepped in, noticing a figure of a biological male hunched over and hurriedly stashing piles of supplies into his bags. He heard me, suddenly turning around with wide eyes. I put my hands up as if to surrender before making my way to a different pile. I felt his head follow me, watching my moves.

'I'm sure I'm here for the same reason as you, grab and go.' I harshly whispered, noticing in the corner of my right eye his glare whip away from my head. I started hearing more clanging of metal next to me, presuming he'd got back to work on his stocks.

It took less than five minutes to fully stock the bag, I'd swapped carriages halfway through to change the supplies I was getting. Most of the food stocks were already in preservable powder packets, causing me to have the presumption this train was passing submil supplies from camp to camp. They used this kind of food to store in their bags for weeks, adding a drop of water and mushing it together to form something somewhat edible, possibly. It was one of the most popular food methods to avoid a deadly bacterial infection in your gut. There's quicker suicides, if you're desperate. 

There's a feeling you get in your gut when someone or something is looming over you, inspecting your appearance and every move. I gulped, turning around with the bag I just slid onto my body hanging off my back. I manoeuvred my knees around in their crouch position, enabling for when I stand up to instantly be facing whatever was above me without my back exposed. I glanced up, analysing the appearance of the person.

I recognised him. The broad chin and fat neck, the Roman nose but tanned skin. It was rare for me to recognise someone, but I assumed he was from the submil when I was caught in action.

Until he smiled.

It wasn't a friendly, welcoming smile. Instead, it was a smile that seemed as if it'd forever mock my existence. I held my wrist, grabbing the scar that was permanently against my skin, because it was him. The man who'd physically and emotionally terrorised me along with others when I was tied up and used.

The feeling of guild affects the gut, making it feel as if it drops to your feet. Nausea creeps along your arms, causing goosebumps across the hairs, up until your throat where the ball of regret lies. That's what this fear felt like. There wasn't the adrenaline rush of needing to run instantly, nor the desire to punch him, nor freeze in the spot. It was fear that turned into anger, causing my body to want to make all three terror reaction, but at the same time none. So instead I waited. I think he was expecting me to do something, so when I didn't we both ended up in a face-off, staring each other out in the middle of carriage number eighteen.

I was prepared for him when he lunged out, attempting to grab at me. I scooted my weight back, close to toppling out of the doorway of the train, but I kept my weight balanced which allowed me to turn myself around and make a run for it.

I gained eye-contact with Phil, sending the signal of fear directly into his body. It took a while for him to figure out what was happening, but as soon as I got close enough for him to register my whole emotion, realisation spread through him as he took the stance to run. He met my pace beside me, both sprinting back along the fields. I turned back for a second, eyeing the distance.

'I-I think he's g-gone.' I stuttered as we continued legging it outwards. Phil flipped his head around, trying to also get a view. He lost his balance by slamming his feet into a rabbit-hole, toppling him over and throwing him a foot in distance across the pale grass. He cursed as he did so, his eyes closed as he winced at the pain. I slowed myself next to him, crouching beside his body. On his fall, he'd wrapped his arms around Ev in protection, causing minimal damage to the infant. Ev had a scrape along his cheek, but as far as I could tell, nothing more. I unstrapped the material from Phil's body, placing the child to my side as I checked on Phil.

'Phil?' I muttered, expecting a response to confirm consciousness rather than anything productive. I slipped my hand onto his forehead, noticing the heat from the run radiating through his skin still. He'd collapsed onto his right side, right arm wedged underneath his body as the other lay positioned where it'd have been in protecting Ev. I knew his ankle would be severely injured from impact, but I was aware my main priority was to reassure him right now, 'Phil?' I muttered again, concern starting to thread itself into my eyebrows.

By this point I realised I'd had no response either time, hurriedly crouching beside his body, closer to his head, 'Phil?!' I snapped, almost shouting that time.

But it was no use.

Phil was out.


	41. *Burning sun

**Phil**

The last thing I remember was running. Fear engulfed my every move, keeping my mind's one intention: to run.

Now I feel the wet ground pressed against my face. I don't remember getting here, but I probably fell. Makes sense being the useless clumsy shit I am.

My ankle hurts. Not badly, I must have tripped and sprained it. I must have known by now if it was serious.

I could feel my chest irregularly shifting to my breathing. My breath: shallow and raspy. I tried to regularise it, but I couldn't control it. I started to panic, but knew it best to keep calm.

Someone was touching my arm, their warm hands supporting my fallen body. Their voice was calming and familiar, masculine. He was saying my name.

'Phil.'

Dan. My precious Dan. Too young for world that's been pressed onto your shoulders. Maybe I should have let you jump. Was the option I deemed right the selfish one? Did I disturb fate by holding him back, or were we supposed to meet? Is there fate? We've been brought into this world with nothing more but the mere knowledge we have to gain during existence. So what's the point? If every decision we make is going to have an outcome that creates another outcome that creates another outcome that creates another outcome-

Why?

Existence is painful, so why do we do it? There's too many why's. If you contemplate it enough, the only answer that can logically be thrown onto your ever-growing knowledge is just that: there is no point.

Dan's voice seemed rushed with a flurry of panic being spat out at every cry of my name. What memories has he not told me? What is he holding back? He must be keeping something from me-

The scar.

So he is holding something back. I know better than to pester him for the answer, even I have things dug into my past that I don't want to recover. It wouldn't be fair on him. Not yet. But why is he holding back?

There it is again: why. But why not?

I started to actually consider my situation, possibly because Dan's desperation to get my attention was becoming an annoyance. I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out. It was only then that I realised I had no ability to create movement. I tried everything from wiggling the tip of my finger to violently shaking and screaming, but there was nothing.

There's nothing worse than being trapped in your own thoughts - is what I thought before I realised being trapped in your thoughts could be much worsened if you had no movement to distract yourself with.

Would I get my movement back? Can I move? Do I care?

Every sound from the outside of my vessel struck fear through my veins, knowing I had no ability to protect my body for myself. What if Dan just gave up and left right now? I don't really care to be honest. If I'm not dead, let me die.

There's got to be worse things than death: life, for one. Maybe I'm being selfish and should be grateful for the fact that I have people to share my life with, but I wouldn't have to be grateful if it wasn't for the fact I was born in the first place. Should I have gratitude for the fact that I was gifted existence, or can I resent the form that created me?

It's not that I don't want to appreciate life, I truly would like the ability to, but how can I when that very life gave me the power to hate itself. That power being my switch.

Oh, that's it. That's why I'm like this. I've switched. If I had control over my corpse, would I be lashing out in anger? I ask that because my switches don't tend to lead me on a spiral of existentialism and depression, they take me to anger. Maybe if I wasn't trapped I'd be lashing out at everyone and everything.

If I've switched, I don't care. Not in this depressive state, because I'll surely just fall back into it one day soon anyway, meaning I'll have to cope with this all over again. Why would I keep going if I know if I'm just to fall again, and every time I do so I'm forced to fall farther? How far can I fall?

I metaphorically sighed in my paralysed vessel, deciding I should try and bring myself back. I started just focusing on senses: Dan's voice and the desired urgency to wake me, his hands pressed against my shoulders and how they constantly shuffled to try and hold a grip against his sweating palms, his anti-perspirant with that smell I'd grown familiar to as his own. Okay, so I'm basically just focusing on Dan.

I kept feeling his fingers pressing against my neck and hovering over my mouth, constantly checking my life state. I kept falling out. I don't know how to describe it apart from this feeling of satisfying drowsiness as if I was swimming in my own body. It was quite nauseating and I wanted it to be over. I kept fighting the drowsiness; it felt like natural instincts. I heard a weep beside me, followed by hushed snuffling.

By this point, I knew I'd been out for quite a while and was growing tired of fighting this sense of dis-associative drowsiness that kept trying to engulf my body. I suddenly considered letting it take me, what would that do, if I stopped trying to endure?

I allowed it to seep over me, my body aching as I did so. The hand pressed against my chest hastily shuffled to my neck, pressing firmly into my skin.

'Phil, Phil no! Hang in, please honey don't-' I wanted him to shut up, to be quiet so my senses would stop connecting back into the world. He stopped mid-sentence when I heard a gasp of breath being taken in by him, closely followed by a strained whimper beside me. His body collapsed on top of mine, his forearms cradling my head as his hands stroked my hair backwards. No.

Stop.

Let me have the drowsiness.

Please stop connecting me back.

'Phil, hold in. Please come back,' I heard a slight chuckle come from his lips, 'I don't know how but I know you can hear me you little shit. Don't give up. If you give up then I give up and that's a bit useless now, isn't it?' he chuckled again, quickly swiped away by a different aura, 'I held on for you. I didn't want to. I was done with this place. I live for your laughter and the crap jokes you make because they make me happy. There's little point to them in the scheme of the universe, but they're keeping me alive and maybe there's a point to that. Don't you remember those?' he gasped, followed by the sound of him licking his lips, 'Remember when you first found me and I called you a paedophile within minutes of knowing you? The way you just completely accepted I was a weirdo and how I thought the same when you walked across the tracks back to your box? When I fell over with the box in my hands onto you in that cliché moment? The first time I played Crash Bandi with you? That time I told you to touch all four walls in seven seconds and you fell over everything like the clumsy shit you are? That time you fell asleep on me as you were spread across my body and breathing on my overly-sensitive neck? You're a cunt, you know? But I love you, Phil. I love you. I love you more than the stars. I love you more than I love you because nothing is greater than to compare my love to you than something literally endless. You are my sun, Phil...without you, I'd burn out.'


	42. *Months not inches

**Dan**

'Dan?'

I could say that I was rendered speechless and that I'd given up on hope that he'd come back. I could say I threw my arms round him and cried into his collar bones every last ounce of water my body held. I could say the relief that flooded through my body felt as if my entire chest was ripped out and crushed while still inside me. I could say all of that because they're all true; words can't describe true emotions. Nothing can but the actual emotion itself.

'Hey...' he gently whispered into my ears, his own voice sounding threatened by the tears that welled up inside him. I leant backwards, looking into his eyes as our noses were pressed together and he looked back at me. My chest was heavily drumming back and forth in attempt to breathe. We both had tears in our eyes that neither of us acknowledged through the array of colours that flooded our irises with every emotion we could humanly contain. In all honesty, I don't think you could humanly contain everything I felt in that moment.

I collided my lips with his, wanting nothing more than the confirmation he was breathing. Truly breathing. He hardly could have been with the amount of force I put onto him without allowing either of us to take a breath.

We stayed without movement for ages, purely content with being in the presence of the other, before he spoke up, 'We should go and meet the guys.' there was an edge of disappointment in his voice, almost disheartened with the fact we needed to continue to live our life.

'Phil, I think we should contact them to help us get there.' I tried to sound as relaxed as possible in my voice. I had my body over his, holding him down for him to not suddenly glance downwards. I bit my lip, looking down towards his stomach.

'Why...?' in his voice, you could tell he knew, but not to the full extent. It was as if he wasn't asking 'why', but instead 'how bad is it'.

'It's bad Phil: swollen and purple. I'd say badly broken, I don't know if it's dislocated or anything; I'm bad at medical stuff.' he nodded, so I backed my body off of him and offered him a hand to help him raise his upper body upwards in to a sitting position. He continued to hold my hand as he stared at the incident, examining his ankle with no emotion across his face.

'Okay.' he stated. It wasn't anything but the acknowledgement he'd understood the accident, 'It doesn't hurt anywhere near as bad as that.'

I pulled out my phone and contacted both Pj and Chris to help us back, knowing it was better to get help sooner than later. Pj was first to reply, Chris responding with the fact Pj had answered me.

_Hey Pj, Phil's badly fallen and was unconscious for a good fifteen minutes. He's messed up his ankle and I can't support him alone, let alone Ev as well. Not guilty tripping you, get your ass over here to help._

_Haha, sure mate. Where are you?_

_Literally five minute walk from the train, we were chased._

_Oh shit. Chris and I have set up in a good spot. Small house on the outskirts north-east of mk. There's a small garden which has ground that was protected so we can set up a plant. I'll grab Chris now and we'll make our way over, any landmarks?_

_There's a weird tree trunk to our left with no other trees around it?_

_Okay, we'll try and find u guys._

***

Phil and I sat with his legs over mine in the middle of the field. His ankle started to hurt more, most likely due to the adrenaline draining out of his system. I was holding Ev, Phil complaining about his ankle as he lied on his back on the grass.

'It hurts.' he whined.

'Phil, you've fucked up your ankle, of course it does.'

'Hmph.'

I was finishing cleaning up Ev's graze on his forehead (which also gained the complaints of Phil who wanted me to care for him, not the entirely dependant infant) when we saw two figures approach us with haste. I lifted Phil's legs up (providing me with more exaggerated whining) and passed him Ev, walking up to Chris and Pj.

'Were you guys just sitting in the open field?' Pj asked.

'Try sitting with him for half an hour while he whines the entire time.' I jokingly snapped back.

'Nah thanks, I'll take another offer.' Chris snarked with a smirk in response, obviously returning the sarcasm from my voice.

We stood in silence for a few seconds, Phil and I staring at each other as Pj and Chris examined the situation.

'Right,' Pj began, 'Should we see what we can do?' he nodded towards Phil, who was helplessly flailed across the grass. He groaned, sitting upwards with my help as Pj went to his right and Chris lifted him onto his feet from behind. As soon as he was up, Chris took his weight on Pj's side and supported him in his first hobbles. I picked up Ev, tying him to my chest with the fabric he was close to outgrowing as Pj took Phil from his left.

'Let's go.' Pj huffed, not in annoyance but at the patheticness of the situation we were in. Not that Phil was pathetic, but his ankle sure was.

***

The walk was taken in silence for the first dozen minutes, mainly due to the fact all of us were concentrating on moving forward rather than stumbling helplessly backwards.

'Guys, can we rest?' Chris sighed, obviously put down by the fact he was the one who had to give in to the weight.

'Fine by me, I need it.' Pj replied, looking towards me for my response.

'Yeah, I'll swap with one of you two for the next ten minutes if you can take Ev?' Pj looked towards Chris who nodded at the offer. We guided Phil to the floor (I took his back as we practically collapsed him onto the ground) and sat around him. I shuffled close and was about to farther, but realised Chris and Pj knew not of our situation so I kept us at an awkwardly-strained-but-obviously-more-than-friends distance. Pj dumped the share of bags he'd taken from mine and Phil's collection of supplies, but I used mine to lean on as a chair rest.

'What happened then?' Chris chirped up, obviously glad for the brief rest so far.

'Uh...' Phil stammered, looking at me in confusion, 'I'm not a hundred percent sure, actually.'

'I was collecting supplies from the train while Phil was on the lookout with Ev. Um, I stumbled into a man (who previously was my kidnapper, which happened to be where I actually met Chris), when he started chasing me. I think it was more of a scare once he'd registered my realisation that I recognised him, so he decided to chase me for the thrill. I ran with Phil, when the next thing I knew he was on the floor and, um- unconscious.' I scratched the back of my neck, uncomfortable with the recollection of the events from within the past hour or so. The two nodded, Phil also engrossed in my explanation of why he was dealing with a fucked up ankle.

'You alright now, bud?' Pj quirked an eyebrow in question. I nodded, my lips tightened to show I was but not entirely but didn't want to discuss that. He patted my back before standing up, lifting his share of the bags as he did so, 'Ready?'

I helped attach Ev to Chris and reassured a very suspicious-looking baby that the weird man-child he was now stuck to wasn't a threat. I sighed, realising we should have probably fed him while resting, but as long as we can all deal with a pissed off child, he can wait another ten minutes. I passed myself to Phil's right, who seemed rather pleased by the fact I was giving him contact since I'd been reluctant to do so, for the sake of explaining it thoroughly later.

Pj glanced at the two of us, smiling as he took Phil's right. He halted though, stepping back and glaring at my hand. He didn't care to hide the fact he then stared at Phil's, or rather possibly making it obvious he was doing so. I glanced at my own hand, already knowing he'd acknowledged the metal item wrapped round my ring finger. I clenched my hand into a fist to cover my fingers, knowing the careless mistake was already discovered. I even thought about this earlier, but must have been distracted by the whole accident to take it off.

'Uh-' he seemed to not know where to begin, so I just stared with an emotionless smile plastered against my cheeks, 'Are you guys like, well obviously you are, but-' he took in a breath, 'What?'

I stretched my neck, taking a breath as I considered my response, 'Yeah, we're kinda like...' I began to mumble, the four eyes of the confused pair growing wide in anticipation.

'You're actually like married?' Pj questioned, earning himself an awkward smile from me. I couldn't tell Phil's expression from the angle we were at, but couldn't doubt it was far from mine.

'Yeah?' I spoke, responding in a tone to express more of a question than an answer.

'So it's not just on the internet?' Chris questioned this time, stepping forwards slightly. I chuckled, then shivered in memory of the fanfiction I read and shared with Phil not that long ago.

'Yeah. Married, like...yeah- Phil say something!' I snapped at the end, caving under the pressure of the awkwardness.

'Uh, yeah. Married?' Phil shrugged. He nodded to the distance to suggest starting to walk (or hobble in Phil's case), which we did.

'So, how long?' Pj asked, chirping up slightly at the confirmation.

'Um-' I started to respond with how long we'd been together, but quickly interpreted the question in a different manner and snickered. I was the first to discover the innuendo, closely followed by Pj, then Chris and a glare from Phil in proud disappointment.

'How long have you been together?' Pj confirmed.

'Um, a year and a half, or more?' I replied in not much confidence.

'Married?' he continued.

'Philly proposed on the night of the fireworks.' I smiled at him as he did so as well in response.

'Stop google-eyeing each other, God.' Pj scoffed in sarcasm, smirking as he did so. He was beginning to act as if he'd just found out the answer to existence.

'First time?' Chris whispered between mine and Phil's ears, loud enough for both Phil and I to hear, but only possibly Pj. I felt my face heat up, noticing a blush appear on Phil as he glanced down and suddenly seemed much more interested in the movements of his legs, 'Haha, joking guys.' Chris remarked, turning to my other ear and continuing, 'We'll discuss later, Dan.' I jabbed my elbow back, grazing Chris' side as he mostly dodged the action.

I can almost see Chris as the guy I'd go to in a flustered state over a teenage crush, pulling out my pillows and sitting on the edge of his bed with a flush on my face. Okay, I obviously just uncovered a secret fantasy of mine I was unaware I had, but knowingly unable to ever pursue in this universe...unfortunately.

I can't remember continuing much conversation after this, the four of us tired and focused on making our way back to the new camp. Pj and Chris are cool, I think I could hang around with them for a bit.

I'm not saying that just because of the innuendos and laughs, either. Well, maybe...but-

***

'Sit down there then, Phil.' Chris nodded to the camp chair against the wall Pj had brought down from upstairs. We agreed that those two would have the top floor and Phil, Ev and I would have the bottom due to Phil's immobility. The small house they found was actually quite homey, and bearing in mind there was a strip of them in the old neighbourhood, I doubted very little there'd be more people around.

Chris and Pj were fully set up already with their tent pitched in the rooms above. Mine and Phil's supplies remained in a stack dumped in the corner.

I stood behind Phil with my hands placed on his shoulders, his own gripping onto mine. Neither Pj nor I had any decent medical understanding of how to treat a wound, so we both stayed back to let Chris deal with him.

'Pop him a drug, Peej.' Chris suggested, pulling out the aid kit as Pj did so. It looked like a cheap packet of ibuprofen or something that they had stored in their supplies. Chris started to gently manipulate the area above Phil's ankle, asking him to let him know of any painful spots as he did so.

'Shit! Ah, there! Fuck.' Phil grimaced.

'Shit dude, hold onto Dan and breathe out.' Phil's hands immediately re-found themselves a sturdier position against my wrists.

'Why?' Phil panicked. Chris glanced up, ushering him to do as told as he took a deep breath in. We suddenly heard a loud pop, followed by a painfully hard grip against my hands and more uncensored cursing from Phil.

'Fuuuucckkk.' he whined one last time, glancing down at Chris who was now holding an instant cold pack against Phil's ankle, 'What was that?!' Phil complained.

'It was dislocated. Decided best to not tell you and get on with it.' Chris over-joyously smiled.

'Bastard.' Phil grumbled, readjusting himself on the chair.

'Okay, wiggle it a bit.' Chris asked of him. Phil's eyes widened as he had movement over his ankle.

'Thank God, is it healed then?' Phil's eyes widened in hope, draining once he heard Chris' chuckle.

'Nooo. Not at all. Keep it raised for a week, no movement at all. Well, apart from bathroom breaks. Four weeks minimal movement, no pressure. Another four you can move around on your own while keeping minimal pressure on the joint. After that, two weeks gentle walking, then it should be back to normal. Fuck any of that up and it'll take longer to heal, if at all.'

'Eleven weeks to heal?' Phil glared at Chris, who shrugged in apology.

'Sorry dude, would tell you otherwise if I could.' Chris painfully smiled in pity. I squeezed Phil's shoulders in sympathy as Pj stood awkwardly staring at the floor. Phil's body collapsed in failure.

'I'm actually pathetic.' he whispered.

'Hey...' I kissed the side of his mouth, tucking a loose strand of his hair behind his ear.

'I'm sorry.' Phil sighed at me.

'Hey, no. There's nothing to be sorry for.'

'I'm going to be completely dependent and useless.'

'Not forever.'

Meanwhile, Chris had finished casting Phil's ankle, not too different to the time I had my leg strapped up, 'Here's some pain tablets, don't know if you've got any,' Chris passed the pack after being passed it by Pj, 'And if it's alright us two will head upstairs?' Phil and I nodded, watching them as they disappeared up the stairway.

'You'll be alright. We'll be alright.' I gently whispered.


	43. *Black polish

**Dan**

'I'm stealing your husband tonight, Phil!' Chris called out, appearing in Rocket HQ with his make-shift fabric pillow engulfed in his arms. Rocket HQ is what we called mine, Phil and Ev's area in the house, whereas Pj and Chris' was Dank Dungeon (or Dank Dunge as we lazily shortened it to). We share a compost soil outside in the small grassy area to grow our food on between us. It was just enough to keep our supplies going, this time next year we should have double the amount from harvest, which would be good. The outside area we called Torture Zone, mainly because it was manual labour and it was all boring shit that none of us wanted to actually do.

Chris' eyes beamed outwards, a smile spread across his face.

'Fine by me! Get him off mine and Ev's chest for a night,' Phil snickered, then turned to Ev cooing at him, 'won't we Ev?' I smiled at the two, content with where my life was. Phil was three days into his recovery and was doing reasonably well so far. I gently planted a kiss against his forehead, him pulling me back in once I backed away to peck my lips, smiling in the gesture.

'Call me if you need me, right?' I whispered. He smiled, nodding.

'Just enjoy that energetic frog over there.'

'I am not a frog!' Chris called out, appearing from around the corner again.

'I don't know, I also seem the resemblance.' I sarcastically commented with a smile across my face. Phil pulled me down and kissed me once more.

'Okay, go!' he pushed, smacking my backside as I left which I turned round to him and glared at him in an annoyed-but-not-that-annoyed-and-kind-of-wanted-more stare, a hand pressed over-dramatically to my chest and mouth gaping. I grabbed my blanket and followed Chris in my nightclothes.

On the way out, Pj appeared down the stairs, walking towards Rocket HQ to spend the night with Phil, 'Keep an eye on him, please.' I whispered into his ears to make sure no one else heard. He turned to me, smiling sympathetically as he nodded.

'I'll call you if anything's wrong, so relax.' he assured me, placing his palm on my shoulder as he continued walking by. I took a deep breath, marching up the stairs once I did so.

Chris was the reason we were doing this. He's an actual teenage girl who's wanting gossip, we all knew it but I still gave in to his request. Can't say that despite my reluctant behaviour towards this night, I wasn't so against the thought myself. Maybe I could have a pillow fight and we could paint our nails!!

I mean, what?

Oh, come on, who wouldn't with this guy. I'm gay as fuck anyway.

We sat down in the tent together, legs crossed as he faced me.

'Okay! Tell,' he clapped his hands, 'me,' he clapped again, going for between each word, 'ev-er-y thing!' I blushed, only imagining what he was going to be asking, 'Oh, the look on your face says a LOT!' he snapped his fingers. I knew he was extravagant, but this was a whole new side. It was nice to see him acting with his hair down and taking away the responsibility of caring for other people for a bit.

'Like...give me _somewhere_ to start!' I chuckled.

'Hm,' he sighed, looking upwards smirking, 'How you met him.' my face dropped slightly.

'Oh, erm...' I bit my lip considering how to explain this, 'Let's just say circumstances were unfortunate and we won't get into details, but we met at Manchester train station. Well, officially. I watched him on wetube for a year or so, funnily enough.'

'Did you arrange to meet, or-?'

'Not at all, completely fate!'

'Oo. Okay...first time you heart-eye Howel-ed him?'

I squinted my eyes, 'What?'

'Oh common, you haven't seen that?' he seemed genuinely put off by the fact I didn't have a clue what he meant.

'Seen what?' I asked.

'Your fans pulling together clips from broadcasts of when you stared at him all googly and they're calling it heart eye Howell.' I gasped.

'Show me.'

***

'I can't believe that's an actual thing.' I chuckled.

'Oh my God, we need to make a broadcast, all four of us.'

'Oo, foursome.' I growled. He hit my leg.

'Dan, stop!' he laughed, snarling at me.

'I still can't believe you started broadcasting and we met each other again.' I stated.

'I know, better circumstances this time.' he chuckled. 'Okay. First time you heart-eye Howell-ed him!' he whined.

'Oh...on the way back to his box?'

'First day?' he gasped.

'First hour.' I purred.

'Oo! First kiss?'

'He was holding an ice pack to my head because I tripped, fell over on him and hit my head.'

'Romantic.' Chris sighed, rolling his eyes, 'I expect nothing less from you clumsy spoons. Now, first time.' he smirked.

'Okay. First, do you own any nail colours?' he eyed me suspiciously, 'Well, do you?'

'Yes. Don't tell anyone.' he blushed, cowering into his bag.

He passed me a collection of three colours, me opting for black. I sat back, covering my nails in an awful paint job as the fumes threatened my lifespan.

'Well, we were in the box and made out on the couch until it...'

'Made its way into you-?'

'Chris! Not what I was going to say! I was going to say until it made its way to the bed.'

'Hardly better.' he scoffed playfully. He suddenly paused, eyes going wide, 'YOU DIDN'T DENY _HE_ FUCKED _YOU_!' he cried out eagerly, I slammed my palm against his mouth.

'Shut up! I never said that anyway!'

'It's what you didn't say.' he quirked an eyebrow. He paused for a couple of seconds before chiming in again, 'But you're a sub?' I could feel my face viciously burning.

'Well...yeah...' my voice became extremely high pitched toward the 'yeah', almost as if I was squeaking.

'Knew it! He so has you daddy-ed across his finger.' he scoffed playfully, I raised an eyebrow. He suddenly gasped, 'Are you also Ev's dad then?'

I didn't hide the vicious smile that spread across my face this time, 'Yep!'

'Aren't you like twenty?!'

'Yep...!'

'Oh my God, Phil's four years older than you!'

'So?!'

'Pedo!' I pretended to gasp, hand on my chest as I pulled my act.

'Don't worry, I said the same thing to him.' I smirked as I dropped the act.

There was a small knock on the wall.

'Yeah?' I nervously stammered. Pj entered, obviously trying to hide his stress.

'Phil's-' I didn't even let Pj continue before I was drumming my feet down the stairs. I saw Phil curled up, head between his knees and slight muffles.

'Hey, hey Phil.' I reassured quietly, pulling him to my body as I knelt by his side. I gave him a minute to relax, 'Let's get your foot up, then we can talk.' I kept my voice quiet, gently shuffling to his legs to pull his right ankle back out, knowing it should be raised still. I returned to his side, sitting beside him as I cuddled into his chest, 'Talk to me.' I whispered, stroking his hair.


	44. *Don't

**Phil**

Dan was out the door leaving me and Ev in the tent alone. We always set up tent inside buildings due to the lack of heating in buildings, it's safer to do so. I scooped up Ev into my arms, opening a can of his mushed food, which we'd recently transferred him onto instead of formula. There was an uncertain knock on the door.

'Can I come in?' Pj called.

'Yeah, just feeding Ev.' his head appeared into the tent, a wide smile spread across his face as he entered.

'Hey, mate. How's he doing?' he asked, nodding his head towards Ev.

'Yeah he's good. You?'

'I'm alright, actually. Annoyed how Chris kicked me out the tent.' he chuckled towards the end, settling down on the patch of floor opposite me.

'Yeah, the two of them are weird.'

'Tell me about it.' he chuckled. There was silence after that for a while, both of us concentrating on my child. Once he'd finished, I settled him down to the side and pulled out my connector.

'Cageflix?' I asked, not thinking of what else to do. He shrugged, nodding as he turned round. We watched a film about two teenagers trying to survive the war while completely in 'love'. It was obvious the skinny girl wouldn't have enough energy to live and was too ditsy to survive a second after birth. The boy was self-absorbed and was too buff for the limited amount of time he'd actually have to exercise if he was living the lifestyle he was acting. Apart from the film, the conversations with Pj were rather interesting. Irrelevant, but interesting.

'You can hear them giggling like schoolgirls from down here.' Pj chuckled, rolling his eyes.

'Dread to think what they're talking about.' I smiled, only imagining.

There was suddenly a crash outside, giving me no clue where it came from.

'Shit.' Pj gasped. My body froze, quickly pulling itself into a ball. I started gasping silently, trying to get air to my lungs that wasn't there 'You alright?' Pj asked, concern riding his voice. I tried to respond yes, only a sob reaching my throat.

The next thing I knew he was out the tent. I heard footprints hammer up the stairs. I started shaking, only imagining Dan's disappointment in me.

He marched in, instantly kneeling by my side and pulling me in to his body, 'Hey, hey Phil.' he whispered into my ear. Just the words alone gave me time to relax, 'Let's get your foot up, then we can talk.' I didn't argue, letting him pull my leg out and waited for him to return to my side. He started stroking my hair, hugged into my side as he did so, 'Talk to me.'

'T-there was just a loud noise - didn't you hear it?' I turned to him, looking down at the figure pressed into my body. He frowned, shaking his head. He turned to the doorway as I noticed a panicking Pj stand anxiously, 'Pj, did you?' he scrunched his eyebrows, shaking his head. I leant back, pulling my hands to my forehead and rubbing it. I sighed, coming to turns with everything.

Why didn't they hear it? What's wrong with them? I'm sick of being alone in things. I felt Dan shuffle to our bags at the side, listening as he scrambled through. I'm just sick of being a nuisance to him, to everyone. I clenched my fists, hitting my right hand against the floor. Dan took my left and passed me a tablet. I placed it in my mouth and swallowed, recognising the taste as one of the tablets I take when I switch. Did he think I'd switched? I am a nuisance. He shouldn't have to look after me.

He held me in his arms, my body shaking as I cried into his chest. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, but I was.

'You're tired. You've hurt your ankle and you're fed up with it. That's okay. Just let me help you. I love you, so I want to help you.l,' he spoke into my ear, 'And never think I don't want to help you, that's a lie. Of course I'd prefer not to help you, because that'd mean you didn't need help. I don't want you to hurt Phil, but when you do...please don't suffer alone. I know how that feels...' I looked directly at him, kissing his lips as I slid my arms around his waist.

'I-' I began, but he placed his hand over my mouth.

'Don't say anything, just rest. I'll stay with you tonight.

'Dan, don't-' he pinched my lips to shut me up further. I didn't want to ruin his night.

'I want to. I didn't like the idea of sleeping away from you anyway.'


	45. *Bruise

**Dan**

I don't think I left Phil's side for the next four days. I wouldn't have normally - in a literal sense - but I didn't leave him emotionally either. I stayed with him constantly, keeping him in my arms and supporting him each time he broke down. Something changed with him and I hate the idea that this is all because of his ankle, and it probably is. Being injured doesn't just physically exhaust someone, it can mentally too. Something as major as an ankle can feel completely debilitating, and for someone like Phil who's determined to be the backbone for everyone's support, it's challenging. He's not only not able to support others, but had to rely on them. It could be quite humiliating.

I also can't help but feel slightly responsible, bearing in mind I was the one he was running with. I probably shouldn't, but I do and that's that. I wouldn't mind spending a few days being one of those people who understands no such concept of being responsible for others, but I take every last ounce of a person's pain on my shoulders because I care too much. It's not always a bad thing to care to the extents that I do, but it doesn't come as a good thing in every situation, either.

It's because I care too much that I keep denying he hit me.

I mean, it was my fault. It must have been. He apologised straight after anyway. He'd switched and I was trying to get his medication, while he was yelling at me he didn't want it. I passed it to him when he threw it across the tent, slapping-

I mean, it was hardly a slap. He just- he probably didn't mean it that hard. Even if he did, he switched. It wasn't his fault. I can't blame him, that'd be wrong since he was suffering mentally.

But, for fuck's sake I don't want to say slap because that sounds violent with evil intent, but it wasn't. It couldn't.

He didn't want his tablets when I passed them to him. As soon as he hurt me, he had a look in his eyes that showed instantly he regretted it. He switched back the same second. The rest of the night he refused to speak to me, saying he didn't deserve to hear my voice. But he did, he did and does deserve everything, no matter what his voice says to him.

This was a day ago. The bruise on my right shoulder has fully come out now. It could be worse; everything could be worse. It's purple edging on black. He keeps asking to see it, to show him the damage he did to me, but I only know that would upset him more. He doesn't deserve to feel guilty for something he didn't do. It wasn't him, he'd switched. My Phil wouldn't do something like that.

***

I rested against his chest on the mats, letting him stroke my hair as he rambled on about whatever next crazy idea he had. He has a lot of these moments and I don't mind them, in fact I like his random comments because they were so out-of-the-box they're never anything I'd think of myself. He always seemed so enthusiastic about his next invention or new game he could think of, I think anyone would be invested.

'Phil?' I interrupted his train of thought during his ramble.

'Yeah?'

'Do you want to live broadcast?' I questioned, turning my head upwards to face him, with my head still in his lap.

'Sure?' he seemed a bit confused, the answer coming out as if he was asking a question. I smiled, pulling out my connector and starting everything up.

'Hello everyone!' Phil began, waving his hand across the screen. My eyes suddenly darted to the rings on our fingers. Once his hand was back on his lap, I grabbed it and pulled our metal bands off. He turned to me, smiling with an expression of humorous fear.

'Hi guys.' I half-heartedly introduced myself, my voice seeming nowhere near as enthusiastic as I expected, 'What are you guys doing?' I questioned the growing audience, my voice chirping up slightly.

''ThatRock' says they are sleeping.' Phil readout.

'I don't know whether to be impressed at how you're watching this in your sleep or to feel sorry for waking you up- actually, what time is it?' I chuckled at the sudden realisation. Between Phil's breakdowns and Ev's ever-growing demand as a child, our sleep routines were about as regular as my broadcasting routine on wetube.

'Uh,' Phil checked, chuckling as he read out the time, 'Four am, I think that's a new best.'

'Oh, we'll keep reasonably quiet then since Chris and Peej are probably asleep upstairs.'

''Behindyou_dnp' says they are questioning existence.' Phil chuckled.

'I'm with you on that.' I smiled.

''Phanbedsheets' asks what are we doing. Well, I was just lying-' shit saying _on_ _Phil_ sounds suspicious, '...down listening to Phil ramble about something random.'

'Were you even listening?' he rolled his eyes.

'Kind of.'

'What was I even talking about?'

'Um...'

'Dan!' he whined.

'I am normally.'

'Why weren't you this time?!' he whined again. I shot him a glance to tell him to leave it there, seeming I was thinking about how he looked gorgeous the entire time. A blush fluidly spread itself across my face, so I rubbed my finger against my mouth as I attempted to hide the growing smile from the camera.

'Hold on, I'm sitting in a weird angle.' I complained, readjusting my aching back. I craned my neck, hearing a small crack as I released the pressure from it.

''mypetgrassranaway' asks if that's a-' he paused, chuckling as he read the rest, 'a hickey.' he shook his head in disbelief, face instantly dropping once he realised what they were referring to: the bruise on my shoulder. I quickly jumped in to stop Phil worrying.

'Oh, no,' I chuckled, 'I fell over.' I shook it off, Phil and I both instantly realising that was almost impossible to get a bruise on your shoulder from falling over.

'Yeah, he walked into a wall.'

'I kind of fell into the corner of a table at a weird angle.'

We both just stared at random things, realising we'd made a huge mess of the situation. I took a breath, plastering a smile back on my face as I ushered the continuation of the live broadcast.

'Oh my God, have we told you guys Phil dislocated his ankle?' I gasped, realising we'd not told them. There was suddenly a flurry of comments distracted from the bruise issue, appearing on the comment section.

One comment stood out, though:

_Don't they seem a bit off? Phil almost looked guilty when the bruise on Dan's shoulder was mentioned._

Luckily, it was engulfed into the onslaught of concerns about Phil's ankle, allowing it to disappear from anyone's concerns.


	46. *This Phil

**Dan**

I sat huddled in the corner of the tent, my now oversized jumper spread across my shoulders with the hood above my head. I was hungry, tired and agitated, not that I'd admit out loud to any of the three.

Everything was hard work and Phil was growing more irritable by the second. He seemed to get pissed off with every movement and sound. I know he's fed up with being stuck to bed rest with his ankle, but can't he at least find positivity in the fact that he doesn't have to have it raised constantly anymore? I don't know what happened to my Phil; my literal shining sun of optimism.

Nine days into his recovery and I'm already keeping a metres distance from him at any possible moment. At least the bruise on my shoulder has more or less cleared up. That's ignoring the fact there are a few others scattered across my thinning frame. I didn't mean to lose weight, but Phil telling me to eat and getting cross when I decided not to was pissing me off. I couldn't cope with the agitated energy I was always receiving off of Phil, let alone the stimulus of eating. It was just another thing to think about, and funnily enough, I didn't want any more of that right now.

'Can you pass me my jumper?' Phil sighed. I wonder what he was thinking; what he thought of himself. I chucked the material over, passing a fake smile too as I did so. I was fine helping him to begin with, but he never seemed grateful for what I did for him, so it was a constant one-way appreciation game. Not that I can say I ever thought he appreciated any of the tasks I did for him.

I stepped out of the tent without any warning, dumping my body against one of the walls in the building. I pulled my connector out of my jacket pocket, pulling the black screen in front of my face. My image stared soullessly back at me. Squinted eyes with black bags, sucked in cheeks from the lack of sleep, a graze on my jawline from when I tripped and fell-

At least, that's what I told Chris and Pj. My skin was paler than normal, all of these even visible through the black tint reflecting on my image from the screen.

'You look sickly.' Chris sighed in pity. I glared back, scoffing at him.

'Thanks.' I sarcastically rolled my eyes, looking away from his pitiful face. He took a deep breath, biting his lip as he began to talk.

'Dan, Pj and I are thinking of leaving-'

'Good, get the fuck out of here.'

'But that's exactly the point! You two are draining each other and I don't know whether it'd be a good thing or not!'

'It wouldn't matter either way!' I snapped, 'If we're just making you two miserable with you staying here, leave.' I gestured towards the side, signalling him off. He took a breath, patting my knee as he stood up, to which I wanted to slap his arm away. The last thing I wanted was to be touched, in whatever form: both comforting or not.

'Take care.' he said. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't speak. I let him leave, watching him as I did so.

The next thing I knew I was holding the wrist of my left sleeve against my face, biting it as I cried into the material. I didn't know why I was crying. Whether it was frustration that I was putting up with Phil's shit or that Chris and Pj were leaving, whether I was upset about that as well. Maybe I was crying at everything from the shitty world I was born into to the bruise I felt on my elbow.

I found a new type of exhaustion. It was that kind of exhaustion you'd feel when struggling with a fever. I still enjoyed activities I liked to do, but found no energy to do them because of this tiredness. I just wanted to lie down and cry. In fairness, that's what I was doing. At least, that's what I did when Phil didn't require my attention.

'Dan.' I heard a small cry out. I stood up, making my way towards the tent. He patted the mat next to his body, on his left. I sat down, accepting the arm that quickly offered me comfort around my body. He pulled me into his chest, allowing me to curl up into his warmth. I accidentally let a snuffle out as tears began to rapidly stretch down my scrunched up face. I felt a warm drip on my forehead, becoming startled when I noticed Phil was also crying, 'I'm sorry.' he whimpered, 'I shouldn't even have to apologise because I shouldn't be treating you like I am. I don't want to Dan, but I switch and I-I can't function as who I am. I want to be me again Dan, but I'm-'

'I know Phil.' I whispered.

'I hate that you're crying. I want to take every bad emotion away from you. I don't like who I am-'

'Phil, don't say that-'

'But I don't!' he cried out, desperation straining his voice, 'I want to be the person I was when I first met you. I want to go back to the train tracks when you asked me who I was and called me a paedophile.'

'You remember that?'

'I remember everything you've said Dan, and I love every word.'

'Phil, please know whatever you do and whatever you say and whatever tears fall down my face, that I love you. I understand you switch and when you do switch, you're not you. That's not the Phil I fell in love with, and that's okay because that Phil came along with you-Phil and I love every part of you. Every part.'

'You shouldn't love the evil Phil.'

'He's not evil.'

'Who says evil Phil is a he?'

'Well, are they?'

'Yes.' he responded. I chuckled.

'I wouldn't question otherwise. See, this is the Phil I know.' I pressed a kiss against his lips before cuddling back into him. He rubbed a hand against my back, slipping it under my shirt onto my bare skin.

'This is the only Phil you should know.'


	47. *Loudest cry

**Phil**

I want Dan to leave me, but I'm too selfish to tell him to do so. Maybe it's that, or maybe it's that I know he won't leave. He thinks he can fix me, but a few hugs and a bottle full of pills won't do that. What happens when the pills run out and I'm agile enough to walk away from his arms?

There's too many triggers for evil Phil. Everything from a foot tap at the wrong time for me mentally to someone shouting. It seems to be that anything slightly agitating switches me. I hate to admit that it's being caused by something as simple as my ankle, since I should be able to cope with that. I'm a grown man, why can't I cope?

But it's because I can't that I'm laying on a pair of mats in a tent with Dan in my arms as we both cry.

And _I_ made him cry.

I've also made the scattering of bruises across his body. I'm not going to try and disguise the fact that just because I've switched and I'm not mentally in the same position as I am when I'm okay, that it doesn't hide the fact that it is still _me_. I am still the one that hits Dan. And at what point will it change? When will the Phil Dan and I both know as my sane version become the switch, and 'evil Phil' is the norm?

'Stop thinking.' Dan spoke.

I felt his hair brush against under my chin, telling me he was looking upwards. I turned to face his eyes, staring deep into the windows as his lips remained parted.

Neither of us knew what to say, so we let the empty space between us fill with our shallow breaths. My silence was loud with thoughts of yelling at him that I was sorry and nothing was okay. His remained behind curtains. I pulled my hand up, holding his face as I stroked his cheek with my thumb, running it along his cheekbone. He started pushing closer to me as I pulled him forward. And suddenly, it felt like our first kiss all over again; as if we were back at the start.

I held his leg from under his thigh as he pulled it over my body, straddling my left leg. Our lips kept parting, instantly rejoining the other's as we gently grazed our kiss. I opened my eyes, seeing his flicker open to do the same. We watched each other, smiling.

It could almost feel wrong, as if I was using him if it wasn't for the fact he was leading us, pulling our shirts over our heads. It was as if the growing distance between us mattered no longer, as my fingers brushed the bare skin on his back, his hands harshly gripping into my shoulders. He kept pulling me forwards, readjusting his hands to under my armpits as he struggled to hold me against him.

I wasn't aware he'd taken his jeans off until he started at my belt buckle, causing me to open my eyes in interest. He lifted my head back up by my chin with his forefinger, disgruntled by the separation of our lips. He heavily pressed us together again, slithering my trousers down the mats.

Lust can be described as a negative, wanting only the other person for your own desires. But, describing Dan as lustful wasn't something to shame in this instance. We were two husbands, being pulled apart by the force of despair, finding a moment in the haze of destruction to just be us; to love each other. Our worries weren't forgotten because some don't dissolve in an instance. That cliché moment where all sins are forgiven, illnesses are forgotten and depression is broken through; it wasn't there. Not because the sun stopped shining, but because some problems are too great to be pushed away without a resolution, so much so even the brightest star can't drain its darkness out. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to lighten it for a moment, even if you only brighten an inch of the worry's surface. Because sometimes, that _only_ can seem like a universe in comparison. And that's what it felt like for us.

No matter how close we got in our moment of love, he kept trying to pull me closer; farther in. It was as if he was trying to distract us from the fact his body was littered with bruises by making us the same person. But the fact is, I already felt the pain I was causing as if I was him. I felt each one of those...regrets as if it was written into my body. I knew the stories of those scars, but the one that I didn't know was the one that stood out the most.

Still, I knew better than to speak of it. Maybe I should have been talking about it during that moment because we were both okay. That could have been better than if I were to bring it up in anger when I was switched.

Yet, I did not. I kept my mouth shut and allowed Dan to hold my waist in his legs as he pulled me closer with his hands gripping onto my shoulder blades. He suddenly threw his hands beside his body, groaning as he did so. I moved my hands over his, pulling them next to his head as I intertwined our fingers. I felt his smile against my lips. I felt my body in his. I felt his pain inside my chest.

Some noises can't be muffled with groaning. Hurt is the loudest cry.

Our heavy breathing brushed against the other's ears, listening as our hurried breaths slowed to gentle breezes. I shuffled my body to the side of his, holding myself up on my forearm as I held my gaze with his eyes. He smiled back, holding my hand that laid pressed against the mat. I used my other to apply light pressure against his chest, feeling his breathing in my muscles.

They say the strongest muscle in the body is the heart. Then why does mine feel so weak?


	48. *This wasn't Phil

**April 2011, three months later.**

**Dan**

The shouts that echoed the house almost outnumbered the bruises on my body. I could say I became immune to the pain. The physical pain, yes. The emotional pain never died down. I could hardly care less for my own, but I knew as Phil flushed red as meaningless words spilled through the same lips that kiss me each night, that he was suffering more. I just dealt with the physical mass: the fear of his shouting and the bruises from his grasps and violence. But, he dealt with the pressure of the switches, the guilt when he became himself again and realising what he'd done, the constant contradictory thoughts between his two selves and every emotion which came with what he was having to deal with. He hated himself and I hated him for that. How could someone loathe someone so beautiful both inside and out?

Every time he switched he overused his ankle, only prolonging the healing time, which would only lead to him feeling this way for longer. I don't know how he does it, I'd have given up long ago, which only shows he's stronger than he thinks he is.

I once thought about turning around and leaving him. I felt guilty for a month so put it on myself to never think such a dreadful thing again. He can't control this, not until his ankle heals a bit so he can regain his rationality slightly. I can help him then; I can heal him. Until then, I'll deal with the scars and bruises because what are they in comparison to love, if love is as plentiful as the stars? Nothing, that's what.

By this point I'd decided I would probably give my life for Phil, so a couple of inflicted injuries are hardly worth a breath. I don't even batter an eyelid towards them because life doesn't come with a few scars and mishaps. A life without pain is a life without love because you don't understand the depth of one without the other.

Three months on from when he first started becoming...like this. I want to say he'd had his worst episode already, but as he held my arms against the wall with his harsh words slamming my mind, I decided otherwise.

'Are you even listening?' he snapped, causing me to return my attention to him. As soon as I faced him, his palm whipped my head back into its original position.

'Sorry...' I mumbled, feeling his knee to my ribs. This wasn't Phil. This wasn't Phil. I could never look at him when he was like this, not because I was scared of his...actions but because I feared I'd see Phil behind those violent eyes. They say eyes are the windows to the soul, but the soul was hard to see through layers of false personality. No, this wasn't a personality. This wasn't Phil.

I'd been content with losing myself in my thoughts again until he'd realised where he was in his mental state. I tried before to switch him back, but there was no use and it just caused me more physical damage. That's why I was shocked when I felt hot, bony skin around my neck. It took my a moment before I realised he was strangling me against the wall. My eyes went wide, and for the first time I did look at Phil as he inflicted me pain, trying to bring some sense to him before he actually fucking killed me.

The eyes that stared back at me...they scared me. Emotionless pieces of anatomy, echoing nothing about the person I knew him as. This wasn't him. I did fear that maybe this was starting to become him- no. This wasn't him. He'd spent the majority of his life as the Phil I fell in love with, so that was him. This was a...I don't even know. It feels inhuman of me to call him a monster, but was it far off?

He suddenly let go, eyes filled with water as he violently retreated. It looked as if he was trying to say thousands of words, but none of them equivalent to what he truly meant. I felt a cool liquid run down my lip, rubbing my hand against my upper lip to discover a line of blood running against the skin on the side of my finger. I held the neck of my shirt to my face, waiting for him to recover.

'You wouldn't have killed me.' I whispered, trying to believe the words myself.

'How do you know?' he cried quietly, sniffing his words. In all honesty, I didn't know.

'Because I know you-'

'That wasn't me!' he stopped, 'Was it me? Do you think that was me?' I rushed up to him, ignoring my bleeding face.

'No, Phil. Of course not!' I struggled in my efforts to convince him. Even if it was, I wouldn't let either of us believe it.

'Dan-' he began.

'Ssh.' I hushed him, bringing myself to his chest, engulfing him in a hug.

'I...I was going to ask to clean you up.' I smiled, wanting to deny his help, but I knew it would make him feel better if he could offer his assistance to fix what he felt as if he'd caused. So, I nodded.

I was laying down in the tent fully exposed, apart from my underwear. Phil had balanced various pieces of ice across my body, currently holding a tissue to my nose, stroking my hair back. I offered to help, but he simply wouldn't have any of it.

'Dan, why haven't you taken Ev and left me?' I didn't look at him. I felt guilty that I'd even considered this and because I had thought this, I knew he'd ask at some point.

'B-because I can...'

'What if I don't get better?'

'You will.' I snapped, 'You will...'

I heard him gulp, then shuffle around my body. The next thing I knew he was lying by my side, facing me. His arm jolted towards me, but remained where it was.

'It's fine.' I reassured, taking grasp of his hand and continuing his movement to around my waist. He didn't smile like I expected, instead stared at me blankly.

'What will we do if we die?' he suddenly spoke after a while. I sighed out of relief from fear that expression meant he'd switched.

'You're turning into me with your existentialism.' I joked, not wanting to drop the mood again.

'No, but...I've hit you. By God's rules, I'm going to hell.'

'Do you even believe in God?'

'Well, I don't know...' he softly spoke, 'How do we keep out of hell if such a place does exist?'

'Well, I guess we'll have to stay in good health and not die.' I smiled. He scoffed in humour, shaking his head before turning back to me and smiling.

'Guess so...Dan?'

'Hm?' I mumbled, half asleep.

'What would you do if I started to hurt Ev?'

'Don't be mad at me.' I whimpered.

'Why would I?'

'Because I've already thought about this.'

'I'm not mad. I'm glad and proud that you're responsible.' I gave him a sad smile at his reply, before answering.

'I decided I'd ask Pj and Chris to look after him. They'd never be too far away.' I whispered, mainly due to tiredness. He hummed in agreement. 'Does that sound okay?' I asked.

'Yeah. I...I love you.'

'I love you.' and he kissed me goodnight.


	49. *Cradle

**Phil**

Dan, Ev and I were sitting in the building together, Dan and I across from our child as we amused him. Dan had puffed his cheeks out, failing miserably at whatever animal impression he was attempting, but it still amused Ev. I smiled contently at the two, sticking my tongue out towards the twenty-one month old. He gaped his mouth wide, before turning it into a smile and viciously laughing.

Suddenly he was up, walking around the building. Dan sighed, turning to me.

'Your turn this time.' he whispered. I groaned, chuckling slightly as I had little protest against him. It was interesting watch Ev develop into his own person. The idea I helped make him was terrifying, how could I do that? Since what biological reasoning gives me him? Like, I understand how it works for fuck's sake, but it still blows my mind. He'd stopped just being a baby, he was truly his own person with his own personality at this point. He was much like Dan in the sense he liked to observe. There were little words that left his lips, yet his eyes said a million of them. There was a permanent glaze to his expression which constantly showed his enthusiasm and inquisitive behaviour towards life in general. God, I'm just going to have another existential being to deal with, aren't I?

I chuckled at the thought, following his flailing body a few steps behind from him as he stomped across the floor. Dan had taken to sewing for him, using a kit I didn't know I had spare to pull together some onesies from our t-shirts. He had two which fit him currently. Dan also kept shreds from cuts off of his other clothes that he grew out of to extend larger ones. He had a good system going, so I decided not to disturb him in it.

He was currently flailing around in a navy onesie, his ginger hair sitting on his head in a bed of curls. Neither Louise nor I had particularly curly hair, but maybe if she cut hers short she would have had the same frizzy locks. It reminded me of Dan's bed head actually. Or sex hair, either one.

I felt him approach me, his breathing settled on my back as he slid his arms under my shoulders and around my chest. He rested his chin on my left shoulder, breathing against my neck. He placed a gentle kiss to the same spot, before untangling our bodies and moving behind Ev.

He lifted him up, pulling him over his shoulders and running around the place, causing Ev to release a flurry of giggles and joyful screams. I smiled, pulling my arm around my waist as I looked over at the two.

Dan eventually approached me again, heavily panting as he passed me Ev.

'Okay, that was fun but now _I'm_ physically tired.' he complained, flopping to the floor. I held Ev against my chest, limping over to where Dan had sat, 'How's the ankle?' he asked, still breathless.

'Better.' I nodded. He warmly smiled up at me, patting the floor by his side.

'Again! Again!' Ev cried out to me, knowing Dan wasn't going to continue, clapping his hands in excitement. The demanding clapping was definitely something he'd learnt from Dan, them both figuring out that it got the best of me.

'You know Daddy can't, Ev.' Dan chuckled. Ev groaned, pouting his lip in anger. I caught Dan's stare, shaking my head at him for the persistence of the name he referred to me as.

'You go!' Ev grinned, asking Dan to run around with him again.

'No-o-o,' he grinned back, 'I'm tired, aren't you?'

'No!'

'Ev, don't yell.' I gently enforced, moving him over from arm to arm since my right one had become numb.

There was a sudden loud noise, the floor shaking with it. The average person's first response would be to check it out, or hide. It broke my heart that Dan's was to stand in front of me and hold my shoulder, staring into my eyes. He licked his lips, looking down to my arms.

'Pass me Ev.' he gulped, fear running through his body. But I was frozen, unable to move, 'Phil. Pass me Ev.' his voice was more stern this time.

I started feeling sick, my head spinning as the room became unstable. The noise echoed again, I darted towards the window, ignoring the sharp pain that rode up my leg.

'Phil!' he yelled from behind, marching up to my side. He spun me round by my shoulders, looking straight at me. He didn't say anything this time, only pulling his hands out and trying to wriggle them past Ev's body.

'I want get down,' Ev mumbled, 'Daddy's hurting me.' Dan suddenly became more hastened in his movements, desperately trying to release Ev from my tightening grasp as my eyes stared out of the window. 'Is daddy angry again?'

Ev started sniffling. I heard Dan take a breath, 'Ev close your eyes.' his voice broke mid-sentence, before I felt a strong sharp hit to my cheek. I paused, feeling Ev wriggled away from my chest as Dan hurried him over to the tent, zipping him inside.

'What the fuck?' I muttered under my breath, anger riding each word. I saw Dan's throat move in a gulp.

'You didn't let go of him.' he whispered sadly.

'You would have probably hit him like you just did to me!' I snapped.

'Oh, we both know you were the one hurting him then.'

'I was protecting him!'

'From what?!' he stared at me, face reddened.

'From...whatever's out there!' I shouted, gesturing towards the window.

'Funnily enough, I think you were more dangerous to him than a few loud bangs.' his lips quivered. I'd had enough. He'd pushed me over the edge. I felt his skin against the palm of my hand, tingles riding through my fingers. He backed up to the wall, supporting his arms against the wall.

I wish I didn't remember things I did when I was switched. Not because I struggle with the emotional burden of knowing how I hurt Dan. Well, I do struggle with that, but memory is worse the other way in switch because I remember where he hurts the most, where his previous bruises lay and what things upset him the most. So, when I did switch to my negative side, I could use them all against him.

I had a grip on his wrist where a large scar remained visible from when he was kidnapped, causing him to wince in pain. I had my other hand firmly gripping into his bruised and most likely broken ribs, pushing him into the wall.

'Phil...' he quietly whimpered, tears slipping down his cheeks. It wasn't as if he was addressing me, but trying to call out to someone else entirely.

I squared him in the jaw, hearing his neck crack in the process. There was suddenly a heavy weight in the hand I was holding him by his ribs, before looking back at his face. His body had come limp.

I bit my lip, feeling my eyes go wide as I manoeuvred Dan's collapsed body into my arms, limping my way over to the tent as I cradled him as I would Ev. I placed him to the side of the tent, keeping Ev out of his view.

Then it came to me, full realisation to the fact that Dan was now motionless.


	50. *Might

**Dan**

My body felt cold and my limbs ached, as if they were stiff. I shuffled around, trying to sit up, when I suddenly felt two hands pressing my shoulders down.

'Dan, don't move.' Phil whispered, voice seemingly strained from crying. I tried to remember what got me into this position, but the last thing I could recollect was running around with Ev on my shoulders as he giggled in rhythm to our movements.

'Shit, did I fall over with Ev?' I asked in a panic. There was a sudden break to Phil's even breathing pattern.

'You don't remember?' he questioned. I sighed, knowing this tone of his voice all too well. It was the same tone he uses to tell me to leave him, the same as when he'd hurt me and tell me it was still his fault, despite my arguments against that. I had the decision now, do I let him tell me what he'd done and try persuade me to leave him, or do I let both of us deny it ever happened?

'No.'

'Do you want to know?'

'Are you wanting to tell me?'

'I thought I killed you Dan. I thought this time you were gone. Really gone.'

'I'm too stubborn for that.' I chuckled, but he didn't laugh back.

'Can you move your arms?' he asked me. I started to nod but he pressed my forehead back down onto the floor, 'Don't move your neck. Okay, hold this ice to your jaw.' he told me. I started noticing the spots of cold across my body, but still remained laying down with my eyes shut. I'd look at my injuries later.

'It's not my neck that hurts, Phil. My head's pounding, though.'

'Oh,' he sounded, but in the tone of recognition not disappointment, 'Okay, let me just...' he gently rocked my head from left to right with his forefingers. I heard him sigh, 'I think your neck is alright, thank God.'

I pieced three and three together: the ice pack on my jaw, the pain on my head (which was at an opposite angle to my jaw) and Phil's concern for my neck. He punched me in the jaw, sending my head backwards and knocking me out. I have the most crack-able neck in the world, so when my head suddenly changed angles it would have clicked, making him think he'd snapped it with his punch. But instead, I'd been knocked out with the impact of my head on the wall. That was preferable than my neck snapping, which explains why my neck felt fine despite Phil's concerns.

'Do you want me to tell you what happened?' he quivered.

'I've worked it out.' I responded. I suddenly panicked, sitting upwards and ignoring the unsettling pound in my brain, 'Is Ev okay?' he slowly pushed my body back down, my eyes still wide from fear.

'He's fine,' he paused, 'Thank you.'

'Why are you thank-'

'You took me away from me.'

Shit. I remember slapping Phil.

'Fuck, I remember that! Is your cheek okay?' he stared at me confused, recognition hitting his face as he moved his hand to the spot I'd slapped him.

'You're asking _me_ that?' he glared in confusion, eyebrows knitting together. I put his injury in comparison to my own that evil Phil inflicted. We both said no more.

We continued in silence for a while as I laid back allowing Phil to tend to my injuries. I always let him, I think it put him slightly at peace knowing he could help me after his switch had inflicted so much pain.

'Dan. I almost killed you.' the words hit me, but I tried to hide the shock in my expression. There was something about the tone, he seemed to almost be telling me this as a statement rather than getting cross at me for not yelling at him for his mistake.

'No, you just knocked me out. My neck wasn't injured, remember?'

'I will never 'just' knock you out! You saying that tells me that's _nothing_ in comparison to what I've done!'

'It is 'just' being knocked out against death!'

'What would you have done if I _did_ kill you?'

'Well, the worst I could do is haunt you.' I chuckled.

'For fuck's sake Dan!' I looked at him due to the strain in his voice, noticing tears streaming down his face in groups.

'Phil...' I whimpered, sitting upwards and cuddling up to his side, 'I joke about it because there's no point thinking about consequences as bad as that. We might not even get there.'

'Keyword: might.' he gulped. His dull tone of voice was contradictory to the way he was scrambling to hold onto my body as tightly as possible.

'Exactly. 'Might' can even be the smallest amount of chance.'

'There shouldn't even be a chance! What happens if that 'chance' is massive?!'

'Well, we won't know so we shouldn't worry.' I reassured him. He sighed.

'Why did you have to become the optimist to deal with my pessimism? When did that switch?'

But the fact is, I had no answer. I'm far from being the optimist as well, meaning there's now none of us. Guess we're counting on Ev now.

I feel responsible for him. He looks up to me, yet I can hardly defend him. He started copying my behaviours, and my habits are becoming some of his. I don't want him to be like me, because funnily enough, I don't like myself, so why would I let him _want_ to be me?

But, maybe he could be better than me. He could be me without the pessimism. Who would I be without my pessimism, because would that still be who I am? Is my depression now part of me?

Ev is too precious to me. He's my little bean and I don't even want to picture him sitting on train tracks waiting for his fast-approaching end.

I love him, but it's almost as if bringing him into this world was a punishment for a crime he never committed. So I just hope he's strong. Stronger than me, anyway.


	51. *Everyone

**Phil**

I can't do this. I can't do this to me. I can't to this to Dan. I can't to this to Ev. I can't to this to any of my fucking followers. I'm breaking down and they're all just having to watch.

Of course I've noticed. I feel it in my head, my voice that creeps up on me and tells me things inside my own mind. You'd thought I'd at least have control over what I told myself, wouldn't you? Not anymore. So of course I've noticed because I see the aftermath. I see the reactions in other people around me.

Of course Dan's noticed. He deals with me all the time. I wish he didn't, but I can't say I don't know why he does. Because, if we swapped positions, I'd be doing just the same thing for him. But it doesn't mean he should have to cope with the physical and emotional abuse my other side brings along with me. Traditional marriage vows tell you to stick by each other in sickness and in health, but that was pretty vague. Abuse is a form of sickness if the reasons are due to the person's mental state, but that doesn't make it alright. Dan and I haven't even referred to my good side as the main 'me' anymore, because we both know that evil Phil is around more these days. They're two sides of me now, and ones being watched as it fails.

Of course Ev's noticed. He might only be twenty-two months but that doesn't stop him from realising 'daddy's angry'. It breaks me when he recognises that look that comes with my switch and how he knows to instantly go and tell Dan, then hide. He shouldn't deal with my switch once, let alone deal with them so often he has a routine of how to help the three of us in such situations. I don't deserve him and I'd be _truly_ sick in the head if I thought I did. I don't deserve anyone.

Of course mine and Dan's followers have noticed. They've seen Dan disappear for months with no explanation for why. They've seen failed attempts of covering up bruises. They've seen us break down in our live broadcasts which become more infrequent every time we go out live. And they can't do anything but watch us collapse. They're _watching_ us fail.

That's why Dan and I are here, in front of the camera with a rough script jotted on our connectors to help us through this.

'Hey guys,' I began, the light expression that I normally start my broadcasts with devoid from my face, 'We need to do this for both you, us and Ev. Um, please just hang in for this because neither of us will be able to edit it and we haven't trained Ev up to yet, either,' Dan and I both snickered at my words, 'But it's only fair for all of us if we say this.'

'We're both...struggling,' Dan spoke, 'And there's a fine line between managing with a struggle and collapsing under it,' he chuckled to himself to cope with his words, 'And we lost the fucking line. We can't see the line anymore because we've tried redrawing it so many times for the other that it seems as if we're just trying to make excuses to cope.'

'I've...we've struggled with mental switches for years now, as I'm sure many of you have as well. Because, existing in life at this point in time seems to inevitably come with these issues. Dan gets depressed and I get abu-ab-ab...'

'Phil gets angry,' I closed my eyes, trying to block out the world, 'We've not said anything directly to you guys about this because it's not your issue to deal with, but it seems to be that you know without our words anyway. We don't want any theories made about this, any attempts at putting together evidence or any opinions you have to this subject because it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts Phil and it won't be soon before it hurts Ev.' he didn't mean it like this, but it almost seemed as if you could replace 'it' with Phil, and those sentences would still make sense, 'So, we're telling you this because we feel as if we're hiding from you, denying what's happening. But, we're not. We don't want to teach you guys that this is-' his voice broke, I looked up to see tears fall down from his eyes, no matter what he tried hiding.

'We're sharing this because what is happening isn't something we should be teaching you guys to hide. This shouldn't be hidden.'

'It's neither of our faults, it's our mental states and that's not something that can be blamed on either of us. We mentioned that I get depressed and Phil gets angry.'

'For me, it's as if I become a different person. I still remember what I do when I switch and I'm not trying to hide the fact that I still did what my switch did because we're both still Phil. But when I come back to how I am now and remember what I did, I feel unbelievably guilty.'

'Again, we're asking you to speak nothing of this or see us any differently. What happens is to stay between me and Phil, and what does happen isn't the Phil you guys know. Please, see him as a different person because they are so different and this Phil is so wonderful and I love him so much-' shit, I slipped up, 'he doesn't deserve any hate whatsoever. You wouldn't hate on someone because they have depression, and this is just another form of that. Phil gets abusive. The bruises you guys have seen and my weird behaviour online is because of the way his switch reacts. We're dealing with it, but you guys...we wanted to tell you.'

I went to speak, but instead of words came tears. Dan placed his hand on my knee, subtly supporting me.

'Thanks guys.' I whispered, looking to the camera for a brief second.

And that's where we cut it.

***

I'd found myself on the roof of the building, hanging my legs over the side.

What was I to anyone?

Dan should hate me.

Ev is scared of me.

All our followers probably think I'm a _monster_.

I looked down.

'Phil?!' Dan cried as he slipped through the window. I shuffled forward, 'Phil. I'm here...'

'Everyone should hate me.'

'But they don't!'

'They should!' I spat, 'Like I do myself.'

'If you jump, I jump.' his voice sounded so confident of his decision. I turned round to see him holding one foot off of the roof.

'Dan, please-'

'Come back to me then.'

'I can't do this Dan! I hate myself and I don't understand why no one else does. There is _nothing_ good about me.'

'What isn't good, Phil?'

'Pull your leg back in.' he did, 'I'm abusive. I'm unreliable. I'm overweight on supplies we don't even have to spare. I'm a nuisance. I'm a _monster_!'

He started crying, walking towards me. Dan settled by my side, grabbing my waist and pulling me into himself.

'Never think those things again. I'm here so you don't need to. You're wonderful, you're handsome, you deserve everything and _everyone_ loves you and still loves you,' he sighed, 'This is just a switch. You'll come back round. Please, get inside and take a tablet.'

'I've ran out of pills.'


	52. *retseL pilihP

**Dan**

'None, you seriously don't have any?' I whispered. Phil and I were both in the tent, our supplies from our bags spread across the floor. Those same supplies I sat in, legs sprawled out in desperate hope there were still some left.

'I promise, I was counting.' he spoke back.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I-I didn't want you to worry.'

'Well now I'm worried!' I raised my voice, waving a sock in the air. I saw his eyes change, they became fluttery as they focused on things. And he had no meds.

'Phil, look at me. Breathe. Bring yourself back. Um, you like...you like random games. How many animals that start with A? Go!' I had to put as many possibilities out there. He glanced at me, looking at me as if I was pathetic. 'Just do it!'

'Ant. Anteater...' he looked up at me again, asking to continue. I ferociously nodded. 'A...Armadillo, alligator...alpaca, uh...uh...' his eyes lit up again in desperation for animals.

'Five seconds!' I shouted.

'There's a time? Shit! Uh...uh...Alex?' I smiled, he looked at me in confusion for a second before his eyes widened, 'Thank you.' he muttered.

'Since when is Alex an animal?' I chuckled, kissing his cheek.

***

'No!' Ev shouted, throwing his onesie across the room, 'No clothes!' he'd been throwing a tantrum about getting in clothes for the past half an hour while Phil was sorting out the torture zone outback. It was going to be cold tonight, I didn't want him to catch anything.

Phil entered the room, spotting my flustered state and a naked child throwing a fit.

'Ev, listen to your Dadda.' he growled. Ev's face scrunched up, followed by a harrowing scream. We both spotted it, the way Phil's actions changed.

'Dadda...' Ev nervously grabbed my hand.

'Go back to the tent Evy.' he nodded, shuffling away.

'Phil. Say your name backwards.' I chuckled.

'What? Why?' he grimaced. For fuck's sake just listen to me.

'Just...it sounds funny.'

'The whole thing?' he asked. I nodded. 'Trurr-ttss-ehh-lluh, llaa-ck-ayy-mmmu, lliih-ppuh.' he giggled. I looked up, noticing the brightness in his eyes again. He approached me, kissing my forehead and spinning me around, 'I still can't believe I can't figure out what you're doing when you tell me to do these.'

'You're just used to my randomness.' I smiled back.

I could guarantee these worked most of the time, but there were a few slip-ups. Nine times out of ten, I'd say. And, he's getting better. In general, although once he ran out of his pills he got worse for the next month, he's getting better now. I think a large part was down to his ankle hurting less by the day. I was going whatever I could to speed up his recovery.

There's only so many clouds you can have in the sky before they rain down. Sure, the rain is another issue, but then once the worst is over, all the skies are cleared.

The sun shines again.


	53. *January 2012

**January 2012**

**Phil**

'Can I help Daddy?' Ev approached me, a shovel much too large for his flimsy writs held against his body.

'Oh-oh be careful with that!' I warmly warned, hurrying over and taking the tool from his hands, 'Here, how about you take these to your Dadda?' I suggested, passing him a basket of prepared supplies. He nodded, smiling as he trotted back into the building proud with himself.

I spotted Dan in the window, smiling out towards me. I waved back, standing upright as I brushed my knees off and headed back into the building myself.

'Hey.' I spoke, wriggling my arms around his waist as I nuzzled my nose into his neck. He turned his head around, running a hand through my hair as I continued holding him in the embrace. I swayed our bodies as we continued to look out the window together, 'What do you like about this spot so much?' I asked, referring to the window we often found ourselves at.

'I find it calming, I think. The view is constantly changing, yet always seems familiar.' I groaned, kissing his neck as I backed away.

'You think too much you do!' I called back, making my way to find our child.

'Well maybe you should think more often, seeming our son is back outside!' he smirked, receiving a roan from me as I rolled my eyes playfully, making my way back to the torture zone.

The little spud was doing well himself, coming up to two years and a half. He was always happy, dancing his way through life like the golden star he was. I don't think anything he ever does could upset me, not truly.

'Spudling, I thought I called you back inside?' I smiled.

'You told me to take the basket to Daddy. So I did, now I'm back here.' I shook my head, knowing all too well his smart-ass was from Dan the man himself.

'Grr.' I growled, scooping him up and carrying him under my armpit back inside - again. He playfully flailed his limbs as he let out a high-pitched squeal.

'You two, enough. _He_ needs a rest.' Dan warned us, pointing towards Ev. I kissed the top of his forehead, ushering him along back into the tent.

'Go along, you.' he pouted, storming off into the tent. I watched him, concern flooding my features that he was upset with us for telling him to go away, 'He's fine, Phil. He's just playing around, he needs to sleep anyway otherwise he'll get grumpy.'

'I know, I know. I can't help it.'

'Here.' Dan whispered, pressing his lips against mine. I pulled him closer, smiling into the kiss. We opened our eyes, analysing the other's as I slithered my arms behind his back. I suddenly slipped one under his knees, pulling his body upwards to carry him in a cradle. He let out a squeal, grabbing onto my shoulders, 'Phil!'

We chuckled together, I let him go gently down the wall, pressing his body against the bricks as I did so. Our chests were sealed together, allowing me to feel his heart beat against mine. I pressed my lips back against his, tugging upwards at the bottom of his shirt. He pulled his head away from mine, glaring playfully in annoyance.

'No!' he growled, a smile still spread across his cheeks, 'I know what you're trying to do!'

'What am I trying to do?' I chuckled, a flush hitting my cheeks.

'You knocked over my plant pot with the new bulbs in! You can't cover fuck me!' I smirked, pulling an eyebrow slightly up.

'I can...' I whispered.

'No!' he chuckled, eyes flicking downwards to suggest otherwise.

We suddenly heard a zip, our eyes darting over to Ev crawling out the tent.

'Good job we didn't.' I sighed, beginning to walk over to Ev. Dan stopped me, smiling to confirm he was on the job as I leant against the window.

'Hey, it's sleepy time.' I heard him mumble to Ev.

'I don't wanna!' he pouted, arms falling to his sides. Dan crouched down next to him, taking his petite wrists in his fingers.

'Ev, how about you go to sleep if I let you outside for longer tomorrow?'

'I want outside now!' I sighed, deciding what to do in order to help the situation. Ev wasn't normally one to argue around bedtime.

***

An hour later, we resorted to all three of us laying in the tent together, trying to get Ev to calm down. We were all growing increasingly tired and agitated, but Dan's main concern seemed to be on me.

'Phil, please go to sleep, I have this.'

'I'm fine.' I snapped back. He sighed, shaking his head.

'I left Lion in the bag outside, I'll get him to try and bribe his sleep.' Dan crept out, leaving the two of us in the tent together.

'I don't want sleep.' Ev broke the uncomfortable silence. I licked my lips, sighing.

'I know Ev, but we're tired so we need to.'

'NOO!' he screamed. I felt my face tense and lips pierce.

'Just fucking go to sleep Ev, this is getting ridiculous!' I snapped loudly.

'NO!' he screamed. I grabbed his wrists and pulled him down to sit. Dan entered, freezing.

'Phil-' he whispered, looking at me disappointingly. He shuffled to my body, stroking my arms to release my grip. Dan passed Ev Lion, him instantly shuffling down in his covers. I stared at Dan, tears welling in my eyes.

But, he just held my body in his arms. I wanted him to yell at me, hit me, leave me. He just hugged me.

I eventually broke away, shuffling over to Ev.

'Are you alright, little star?' he turned to face me on his side.

'Is Daddy still angry?' I shook my head, pulling him into a hug. I noticed the small bruises forming on his wrists.

'I'm never angry at you. Never.'

'Never ever?'

'Ever never.'

I didn't know at the time that this would be his first memory from this life.

This was what he had to build his life on.


	54. *Rossendale

**February 2012**

**Dan**

'Phil!' I squeezed, bashing my arms against his body. He had me flung over his shoulder, carrying me up the stairs.

'Shut up!' he whisper-shouted, placing me back on the floor and pressing our lips together. I looked into his eyes, noticing the way they were beaming through the colours.

'If Ev comes up...'

'Stop being so...'

'So what-?!'

'So overprotective!' he chuckled, wrapping my arms around my waist.

'Says you!'

' _Exactly_ , says me!' I shook my head smiling, grabbing the back of his hair and pulling him towards me, 'Oh, who's complaining now?'

I rolled my eyes, 'Just shut up and fuck me.'

He smiled, raising our shirts over our heads and lifting me against the wall. I squeezed, trying to grab onto the flat surface my back was pressed against. He pressed his lips gently against mine, nipping my bottom lip with his teeth.

'Shut up otherwise you're going to wake Ev.' he tried sounding serious, but the smile on his face put a different tone to his voice.

He unbuckled our trousers, trying to muffle my giggles the entire time with his hand. He was never good at multitasking.

'Why are you so giggly?' he chuckled, contradicting his question.

'I don't know!' I flushed, cheeks heating up. I tried burying my head into his collar out of whatever form of embarrassment I was experiencing. He placed a kiss to the back of my exposed neck, sending a shiver across my body.

He held me against the wall, moving himself in according to not hurt my back against the peeling paintwork. I quickly glanced down, noticing all the bruising caused from over the year had cleared.

'Fuck!' I groaned, tensing my body as my nails dug into Phil's shoulders.

Only a few scars remained, but no stories were hidden from Phil behind those. All but one.

'I love you.' I heard him whisper through our jagged breathing.

'I love you too.' I replied in a hushed tone, pressing myself closer against him.

There was the small sound of echoes along the steps that we hadn't noticed previously due to the closeness of the other's breathing. Mine and Phil's faces froze. He slowly lowered me down to the floor as we then scrambled our clothes on our bodies. I was dressed, all but one trouser leg, when Ev appeared round the corner, a confused glance glued to his face.

'Why are you up here?' he questioned. My face heated up, so by natural instincts I walked behind Phil and whimpered up against him.

'We were just getting some things, Ev. Why aren't you asleep?'

'You were being noisy.' I felt Phil's glance on me, my face becoming flushed.

'Okay, sorry. How about you go down and we'll be back in a minute?' he nodded, turning back down the stairs. I stopped hearing the patter of feet, instantly laughing.

'Dan!'

'I'm sorry!' I barely breathed out in my fit. I sat against the wall, breathing out in a sigh of relief once I'd steadied myself.

'I'll check on Ev. Stay up here.' he sighed, rolling his eyes at me with a smile plastered to him.

***

'He's asleep again.' Phil spoke as he sat by my side. I cuddled up against his body, looking up at him. His fingers stroked through my hair as he placed a kiss to my forehead.

'What are you thinking about?' I asked him, noticing the way he seemed lost in his mind.

'I know you...you don't like me asking. What is that scar from?' I gulped, pulling myself tighter to his body.

'When-'

'You don't have to say!' he quickly chimed in.

'I think I want to.' I whispered. He nodded, listening intently as I continued, 'When I was in the submil we went on missions across the country. You were always to just obey. That's what I was taught to do since the young age I joined, so that's what I did. My final mission before I quit - and made my run for it - was harrowing. I haven't stopped thinking about it. I-I still get memories of it haunting my sleep. I was taken to a house that 'needed reclaiming by the government' and was told to guard the family as the others (in the section I was in) ransacked the place. I had one order: shoot if they move. Of course, the mother told...she told her son to make a run for it. I think he was around twenty. I assume it was her son, anyway. He refused, telling her to run as he took the bullet. They must have all agreed to run for it at the same time, because they all started moving. The brainwashed boy I was; I shot the three of them-' my voice broke, tears spilling down my face, 'I realised what I did. It was the first and last time I killed anyone, and despite how controlled I was being, I knew how wrong it felt. So I shot my control manager. I was then taken down by someone else in my section by a knife to disable me. That knife made the scar.' tears were pouring down my face at this point. Phil held me tightly in an embrace, allowing me to regain myself. I took a breath after a few minutes, continuing, 'That's why I fear guns, because of their power. I still see their three bodies in the patch of blue flowers the mother was tending as we captured them. That's why I was growing them in the pot you knocked over-'

'Blue flowers?' Phil's voice quivered.

'I know, I've only ever seen them once in full bloom, it was then-'

'The mother was tending blue flowers?' I looked to him, his face blank. I nodded at him. I saw his entire body start to shake, 'Where was this mission taking place?'

I stuttered my words in fear, 'R-Rossendale.' a tear slipped down his cheek as he gulped.

'My mother was tending our patch of blue flowers when I left the house to hunt. That was the day they were shot.'

'Did you-'

'We lived in Rossendale.'


	55. *Two hours

**Dan**

I couldn't bring myself to understand what this meant. I didn't want to think about it. Of course, I'd already put the pieces together.

I didn't know what to do as Phil sat curled up in a ball, tears streaming down his cheeks amongst heart-wrenching gasps for air. I didn't know whether to comfort him, tell him I'm sorry, just leave him. What do you do when your husband finds out you shot his family?

I watched him, so I saw the moment the tears suddenly stopped flowing. He just gulped, looking out into the distance.

I knew he'd switched, but he had a fucking good reason to. I wasn't even going to try and prevent him; anything he did to me I deserved.

'Dan.' he spoke my name in a deathly tone. It was as if he was saying thousands of things in the one word that was addressing me.

'I'm so sorry.' I whispered. He stood up. I held my breath in expectation that he was going to hit me, but instead he just took a few steps forwards and stood there.

I took a breath, standing up and making my way over to him. I carefully placed a hand on his shoulder, offering him comfort. He grabbed my wrist, turning himself around and throwing me into the corner of the room. I groaned, feeling my back against the cold wall.

'HOW COULD YOU?!' I could have explained to him that I was young, brainwashed and scared, but I felt like I was trying to make excuses, 'MY _FAMILY_ DAN! The people who raised me and loved me?! I would never-!' he grabbed the material on the neck of my shirt and lifted me upwards a few inches off the ground, 'ever have fucking fell in love with you! I _trusted_ you!' I felt a fist to my cheek, letting myself take the hit.

He continued for around half an hour before he came back. It was a slow transition, but he did. Phil glanced at me, noticing the state I was in and hurried to my side, bursting out in tears as he held me. I held him back.

'I'm so sorry...sorry. I would have always fallen in love with you, in every universe. I know you didn't mean to shoot them. I've moved on now, I have my new family. I should always have trusted you. But, you shouldn't be trusting me,' if I thought he was in tears before, he showed me a new definition as his eyes became increasingly puffy and his body shook with despair, 'please leave me. I'm awful to you.'

'Phil, you're doing so well. I deserved that-'

'No you didn't Dan! Don't ever say that, you don't deserve anything like that!'

'I'm sorry, Phil.'

He remained in tears for hours, constantly breaking further down. Ev had tried to come up on countless occasions, but I ushered him back down every time.

Phil was broken before, but now he'd been tipped over the edge. And I'd caused it.

I knew by this time he wasn't going to come out of his state within any of the next hours. I'd made up my mind about what to do. I stood up, whispering to him that it was all okay.

'I'll be back with Ev in two hours or earlier. I'm going to go to a pharmacy warehouse and search the shit out of it for your meds. Call me if you need anything at all, even if you just need me back. I love you and please stay safe. Promise me?'

'I promise. Two hours?'

'Two hours. Is that okay?' I asked for confirmation. He nodded.

Nothing seriously awful could happen in two hours, everything would be fine.


	56. *I love you

**Phil**

Dan had been gone for fifteen minutes. He was heading to an old pharmacy stock to get my pills to sort out this mess I was in. I kept feeling as if the surfaces I'd built with Dan over the last few months to help me become stronger in my switches were dissolving every tear that slipped down my cheek.

I can't believe I hurt him again, and badly as well. It's okay, we'd just restart my recovery. We're strong, we can do this if we're together.

I checked with him so many times before he left to make sure he was safe.

_'Dan, you have your belt on, don't you?'_

_'Yes_ _Phil. I promise, I'm safe. I'll be back in this spot within two hours.' he spoke, kissing my forehead in reassurance._

_'You_ _have your knife?'_

_'Yes_ _, and my_ _g-gun_ _...just in case.' he stuttered. I smiled, nodding._

_'And you're taking Ev with you?'_

_'Yes_ _. I don't want to upset you,_ _but-'_

_'He's_ _safer that way,' I nodded, 'I understand.'_

_He nodded back at me, smiling sadly. He pressed a final kiss to my lips, before brushing down the stairs._

_'I love you!' he called up._

_'Love_ _you too!' I shouted back. The words brought a smile to my face in the midst of tears._

But I still felt as if he was unsafe. I don't know from who or what, but I had a bad feeling.

I sat shaking, biting my nails as more tears continued the stretch down the length of my face.

My thoughts returned to my family. All three of them gone in his hands. What would have happened if he didn't shoot them? Would they have still been alive to this day?

I hate questions like these because they're questions that belong to the universe and you can't get answers for them. And I can try and pretend that's fine, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it feels as if we need these answers for our sanity.

I'm slipping again. I feel it and I have nothing to grasp onto.

Dan killed my family. My parents. My brother.

I remember when I came back from hunting in the nearby field to feed us for our meal that night; I'd caught two rabbits which would have done us for days. By this point, we didn't realise the effect that eating meat could have on us, but I guess we'd never have found out. Not together, anyway. When I turned up at the house, a smile wide on my face as I imagined the pride they'd have for me, but then I saw the blue flowers. They were hardly blue, dyed with the crimson of their blood-

If I didn't go hunting, would Dan have shot me?

He took the _lives of_ everything I knew! Surely _some_ part of him would have stopped him from doing so beforehand if he didn't want to commit the act? Or did he choose to? He could have lied. Dan might have chosen to shoot my family for the thrill of using a gun. How could I fall for a man so basic?

He would have heard the last words of my parents I always so desperately wanted to know. Words that I should have heard when they passed from old age, not words he should have heard as he purposefully took their lives.

I was standing by this point. I saw the wall next to me, slamming my fists into the bricks, screaming out to nothing. Nobody could hear me. Nobody wanted to.

I looked down, blood flowing from my knuckles. But this is what I wanted and deserved.

Dan shot my family.

My family are dead because of Dan.

A part of me was conscious I'd switched. It had never happened before, but as I was marching down the stairs to catch up with Dan, something clicked.

It was fearful for me to realise this because I still had no control over my other side. I was just watching anger course through my veins as I helplessly dealt with the consequences over and over again.

But I was conscious.

I was out of the house, legs crashing against the floor as I looked around to figure where Dan would have gone.

But I wasn't strong enough to pull myself back. Every will I had to drag myself back into the building was working at my limbs, but failing. So I pulled out my connector.

_Shoot me._

He promised years ago, that if I ever told him to shoot me, he would. And I'm watching my other side right now, no choice but to observe myself fall apart.

I'd prefer to be unconscious because now I feel responsible for my actions.

_Phil, stay in the house, I love you._

I tried replying, tried going back into the house...but my good side felt as if it had been drained of ability by the anger of how he thought he had the fucking right to tell me what to do.

He _destroyed_ my life. Took _everything_ away.

I'd bitten my lip to blood. Metal in both my mouth and hand.

The gun I'd taken, firmly grasped in my palm.

I saw two figures in the distance, hurrying my legs to catch them up. I recognised the pair of curly nests placed on their heads.

Dan had his connector out, desperately slamming the screen for whatever reason. He looked back, probably feeling my presence. His face dropped in fear and desperation.

'Phil...please let go of the gun.' he'd moved in front of Ev, hands out in an attempt to reach through to me.

I wanted to keep the gun by my side, but I wasn't there enough. And then it was in front of me.

'Trust me Phil, please.' his face had reddened, eyes puffy as a tear slipped past his cheek.

'Please shoot me, Dan.' I whimpered. He stared at me in a state of shock.

'Phil, you're here. Please just drop the gun and I can help.'

'I can't,' I whispered. I felt my face relax, seeing the dread appear on Dan's face as well. I spoke, but my voice sounded different: rougher, more emotionless, ' _You_ shot _everything_ I had.'

'You don't understand-'

'THERE'S NOTHING _NOT_ TO UNDERSTAND!' I screamed, face tense with rage, 'If I was there, would you have shot me?' I spoke, voice solemn of emotion. He seemed to realise this, to contemplate my question, 'WOULD YOU?' And Dan can't lie. His head slowly nodded, barely visible in its motion.

'I love you.' Dan whispered, dropping the gun he had in his belt off to the side, signalling he wouldn't shoot. He'd vowed to himself not to shoot anyone ever again, so instead put himself out there to die in the hands of his greatest fear, 'I love you Phil, I love you Ev, my baby...'

Tears started reaching his eyes rapidly. His body shaking with fear.

I glared at the gun pointed towards him in my fists.

He should have listened. He should have taken me when he had the chance.

 _Don't_ , I whispered to myself.

But the bullet rang out.


	57. *I'm sorry

**Dan**

I stood there, holding my hands out in front of me. I thought of everything and everyone I'd come to love, knowing it was all to slip away in an instant.

I wouldn't shoot him, and I think deep down he knew that too. So instead I'd let myself face my greatest fear in a literal sense as I stood opposite it. Face to face with the weapon I'd grown to loathe.

Everything about it from the metal barrel to the sound that signalled death, was terrifying. You'd thought he'd at least stab me instead of take everything away from me with something he knew caused me terror.

I'd decided from very little I'd never break a promise, but there was one I wouldn't be able to fulfil. I promised Phil within two hours I'd be back in that spot in the house.

And I'm sorry I've broken it Phil.

He looked beautiful. The blue in his eyes to his skin that was glowing in the sunset. Nothing of any action could ever change my mind of that.

It's as if I was remembering every joke, every word and every kiss we'd ever shared within a few seconds. And I thank whatever God is up there for that, because as the final tear I would weep left my eyelid I had a smile on my face. The life I lived was a life I was taught to love, by Phil himself.

After twenty-one years of telling myself I hated me, I could now say - thanks to Phil - I love who I am, I love my life and I love who I could have been. But now the life I loved was presented to me in the form of a bullet.

'I love you.' the lump in my throat spoke out.

'I love you Phil.' the heart he'd taught me to share whispered.

'I love you Ev.' the child I'd been gifted and raised stood behind me. I wanted everything in me to go to protecting him in his future. I wouldn't see him grow up. Not anymore. That's okay.

I felt his little hand press against my back, 'I love you Dadda.' words too faint to barely hear whispered out.

'My baby...' my smile grew.

A force pulled me backwards, eyes staring at the grass I laid on. The whiteness of it was beautiful. But Phil was unbeatable.

My chest ached, but no more than a poke.

There was an overwhelming sense of tiredness that engulfed my body, telling me to rest. I wanted to let it hug me, to take away my breaths that became harder to breathe.

I saw Phil by my side, disbelief, sadness, anger and love reaching out to me through his eyes. I saw his mouth move, but let the blanket settle down on me, not wanting to hear the words he was set out to say:

'I'm sorry.'


	58. *Never again

**Phil**

The same second the bullet rang out, I switched back. Fully this time; I was me.

I lost all sense of movement as I threw myself towards Dan's body. I knelt by his side, grief spilling through every one of my movements.

He was smiling as he looked at me. It was almost as if he was content. I don't know with what, but I hope that whatever he's recollecting through his life, he's happy with all of it. I don't want him to remember any of the negativity, I just want him to live on with the good moments. That's what he deserves. That's what he's always deserved, and I hope even in his last moments he realises that.

He could have had more good moments, but I'd taken away any of those chances. We'd never kiss again, we'd never laugh together, we'd never watch the sun, we'd never talk about stars, we'd never make love again, we'd never broadcast together, we'd never watch Ev grow up side by side, we'd never fall asleep in the other's arms, we'd never sit in a room simply hugging each other and we'd never tell each other 'I love you' again. Because I'd taken all that away from him. So we'd never 'ever' together again. Because I was watching my husband die.

'I'm sorry.' I whispered.

I held my fingers to his neck, grasping onto any last pulse, but the gut feeling I had told me the truth. It was as if in my soul I'd lost something, something I wasn't supposed to lose.

There was one more beat, then cold shivered through my fingers.

My chest ached, my entire body collapsing under itself as I drained every tear I had through my eyes in a heart-wrenching cry. I was crying for him. I was crying out for him to return.

'Dan...' I sobbed through my wreck. I picked his upper body up into my arms, connecting our chests together in our final embrace. But he wouldn't know that, because he's dead.

I stood up, cradling his body in my arms as I did so.

'Where are we going?' Ev asked.

'Back to the house.' because without Dan, it certainly wasn't a home.

In writing and films, that's where it cuts. You assume they move on from that first stage of because they seem to be alright next. But it isn't like that. I was aware of every step and every breath Dan didn't take as I carried his body back. It was the longest journey of my life.

Longer than mine and Dan's journey down the M1 that time...

Ev knew not to speak until we reached the house. I probably wouldn't have a response for whatever question he was to ask, anyway.

I placed Dan's body...

I placed Dan in the first room of the building. I looked down at my chest, realising I was covered with his blood. It was far from disguising; it was sorrowful and beautiful. But every part of Dan is beautiful.

I looked away from my chest, staring at his closed eyes and the way his fringe had fallen past his eye. I slipped it around his ear, tucking it with my fingers. He looked as if he was sleeping. I guess he was, but death isn't beautiful.

I already knew where I'd let him rest because I didn't want to dump his body somewhere nearby as if our life together meant nothing to me. I wanted us to spend our last moments together in the place we first met.

I was taking Dan back to Manchester train station.

I glanced back at his body, kneeling by his side as I listened to Ev sniffle. I was still crying, but not in that same mournful tune that spread throughout a city, this time it was silent and personal. Tears tricked down my face as I stroked his cheek, moving my fingers to his neck.

That's when I caught something, noticing a small shred of string wrapped around his neck. I gripped it, pulling it over his t-shirt.

In my hand was the metal heart he'd kept from all those years ago, engraved with 'Phil'.

That same scrap I'd wanted him to throw out the same day he engraved it was now no longer a joke, but the closest thing I felt I had to him.

Here I was, where Dan wasn't.


	59. *Burnt out

**February 2019**

**Phil**

I'd held on. Not for me, but for Ev. He's nine and a half now, which amazes me. I struggle to believe I could raise something so important for so long without killing them off, especially on my own.

But so much about him reminded me of Dan. Everything from the way he spoke to the way he dealt with me when I'd lost myself into another universe. Every second I lived seemed to just take me further into a darkness I didn't know could lose any more light.

I almost felt like a struggle to him, as if my survival was now selfish. I thought grief was supposed to get easier by the day, but every breath I took, still seven years later, I thought about how Dan wasn't taking the breath with me. I'd become lost in my own body, not even aware of who I was anymore. I didn't know at the time that killing Dan would mean slowly killing myself for seven years.

It was like Dan's death was a shovel and a shovel doesn't build earth, it digs it. So every second I've continued to live, the hole of grief has been dug deeper. Now I'm so far in it there isn't even any light visible.

Ev's become like a carer for me. I was functioning up until a few months ago. By functioning I meant I could socialise with him and get him food. Now I can't even find it in myself to feed us.

'Dad, are you eating tonight?' Ev spoke softly. I turned over on the bed mats, shaking my head. I didn't even feel like I deserved to be called his dad.

'Not tonight.' I spoke with my voice hoarse from its lack of use. He nodded, turning away. I felt like that was my answer to food most nights. It was better that way; Ev had more to eat.

I took on the same activity Dan did when he got low: I started writing. But not in a diary way like he did, but letters. I wrote letters to Dan and Ev. I don't know if Ev will ever read them, but I hope he will. He can't understand everything right now, but I hope to have a way of explaining it to him when he does.

I stood up, my legs aching from the long rest, and left the tent.

'Where are you going?' Ev asked, seeing my movements.

'To see Dan.' I smiled. Ev knew it was fake, walking over to me and embracing my torso.

'Please be safe, don't be long.' he whispered. I nodded.

'I promise.' I whispered back, turning out of the building. We were living on the outskirts of Manchester, moving here after I carried Dan to the station to bury him. That's where I was headed. I never wanted to be far from him.

I spotted the familiar grave, the fifteen-minute journey almost so familiar I could do it in my sleep. I did once. I dreamt Dan was sitting on the gravestone I'd put up for him, the next thing I knew I was there. His stone was simple, engraved with 'Daniel Lester' and a star underneath. Anything people wanted to know about him could be found on his broadcasts.

That was nostalgic. Thinking about when we made those together. Our followers know about Dan's death, even the specifics. They didn't hate me like I wanted them to, instead, they told me to hang in there. Ironic, considering my thoughts.

'Hey, Dan.' I spoke softly with a smile on my face. When I was with Dan, I instantly became myself again. That's why I was here so often. Sometimes I continued speaking, but during times like this I just sat by him.

I felt my connector sound against my thigh, pulling it out.

_Dad, come back it's been five hours._

So I stood up and walked away, 'Bye Dan, see you soon.'

I could still hear his voice, imagining his replies to things I sometimes told him. I think I've memorised every word from our broadcasts we filmed together when he was alive. Young, naïve, alive.

I threw myself back in the tent, rolling onto my side and pulling out Lion. I stroked the strands of his hairs, smiling as I put him down for the final time.

I turned on my camera, watching the light blink as it waited for my speech. I stared at my overgrown ginger hair, undyed since the day Dan passed.

'Hey, guys!' I beamed, but the viewers still saw through to the sadness, 'It's exactly seven years from this date. I want to say thank you for being with us the entire time, from the start to the end. But it's now goodbye internet, and goodbye guys.' I smiled, cutting off the camera in my usual way of pressing my hand against the screen. I set it to upload, heading outside and sitting against the wall. Short and sweet, that's what I heard.

I pulled the necklace I'd worn for seven years non stop: the metal heart with my name engraved on it. Dan's necklace. Dan's heart.

'I love you.' I whispered, squeezing the metal.

_Hey Pj and Chris, look after Ev like you promised you would all those years ago, please. There's a box of letters, put it next to Dan and don't take Ev to the burial._

I rested my back against the wall, sitting against the bed of blue flowers I'd grown and tended to since Dan died, just like he'd started to do. I smiled, holding the heart in my right palm and bringing it to my wrists.

'I love you. I love you Dan. I love you Ev.' I whispered as my blood dyed the flowers crimson.

And for the last time, the sun shined. 


	60. *Brave boy

Ev was in the side room, finishing the meal he'd sorted out for himself while Phil yet again left him to see Dan. He sat back, placing the empty sachet of food to the side and pulled out his notebook. He'd not shown it to anyone, but he'd sketched trains over and over again, never really knowing why. They were beautiful, nothing you'd expect from a nine-year-old who's never been taught a thing about sketching.

He didn't hear his dad enter the house, focused-in too far to his drawing to notice his surroundings. That's why, two hours later, when Pj entered the house he was confused. Of course, he knew who the two were and had met them a few times, but his dad would always inform him beforehand.

'Hey, Ev.' Pj spoke sadly.

'Where's Dad?' Ev growled under his breath, expecting the answer he'd dreaded to hear for so many years. Pj pulled the child into a hug, letting Ev tear himself apart with his sobs.

'Is it okay if we look after you now?' Pj whispered gently. Ev nodded as his lips quivered, 'You don't have to be brave anymore.'

'I have to be. I've always had to be.'

'I know, Ev.'

'Can I say goodbye?' Ev spoke sadly, looking up to Pj with his puffy eyes. Pj contemplated it, but knew it best for him to have this opportunity. So, with a nod, Pj carried Ev towards his dad.

Chris had prepared for this, cleaning up most of the blood and tucking Phil's wrists into his body. One thing he didn't clean was the heart, but instead wrapped it back around Phil's neck, tucking it under his t-shirt.

Ev kneeled by Phil, gently grazing his fingers over the back of his hand, too scared to hold it.

'I love you too, Dad.' he spoke, almost as if he'd heard Phil's last words. He stood up, heading back into the house as a tear fell down his cheek. But he wiped it away. Brave boys don't cry, not today.

***

Chris carried Phil the fifteen-minute walk, catching up to Pj who'd hurried ahead to dig a hole. Phil really had been digging himself into darkness the entire time.

Chris lowered the body in, filling the ground back up with soil. Pj had made sure to dig the graves as close together as possible, so much so they overlapped. Pj now stood, scratching away at a stone to grasp into the ground, 'Philip Lester', with a star.

But just like stars in the sky, these two had burnt out.


	61. *Home

**Phil**

I felt light, both my movements and my mind. I didn't feel lost, I felt as if I was back where I belonged. My chest wasn't being ripped apart, instead it felt as if it had been stitched back up and repaired.

I smiled, still feeling the dried tears against my face and the heaviness under my eyes.

I heard a train, realising I was standing at Manchester station, so I headed over to the noise. I made it to the platform, where a young boy was sitting on the edge. He was drumming his fingers and feet against the concrete.

But, he didn't look as if he was planning to jump. Instead, he looked as though he was waiting for something else instead of a train.

I glided over, making sure I didn't startle him, and the second I grabbed him by the shoulder he flipped his head around, staring up at me. His eyes went wide.

'Phil.'

'Dan.' I whispered back, feeling his arms around my shoulders. I pulled him in by his waist, but he started trying to back away. Tears were running down his face, hands hammering against my chest.

'You idiot!'

'I'm sorry.'

'Why couldn't you move on?'

'I felt lost.'

'So did I.'

'I'm here now.'

'I know you are, bastard.'

I panicked, fumbling around my neck for the string. I pulled it out, taking it over my head.

'That's where it was.' Dan whispered, smiling. I smiled back, lifting it over his head and embracing him again.

'What do we do now?' I asked him, taking his hands in mine.

'Let's go home, Phil. Let's go to the stars.'


	62. *A red box

**2025**

**Ev**

'You sure, Lad?' PJ asked again, holding me in a single-armed embrace.

'Yeah.' I forcefully coughed out, nodding my head with my hands in my pockets. PJ nodded back, patting my shoulder as I walked away.

I had a rough idea of where to go, there were still signs around from before the war, so it shouldn't be too hard to make it to the station. I smiled through the cloud that was misting up my mind, looking around at the flowers which had started to bloom. The ground remained undisturbed for years, causing all sorts of colours to burst through the soils. I followed them down the tracks, pausing when I spotted two misplaced stones off to the side.

I could turn back. I could leave and tell Chris and Peej I wasn't ready. But I knew I couldn't actually do that. I had to see them.

I had little memory of my dad Dan, which made me feel guilty. I remember him protecting me when Dad-Phil grabbed my wrists one time and I remember him being shot. Despite the circumstances, I'm grateful for these memories because it means I feel like I knew him. Dad-Phil promised me I was just like him, and he never lied about one of those. I'd love to be like Dadda, because everyone said he was an amazing person. I could see it for myself in his eyes in his old broadcasts. I could also see how much my dads loved each other.

I stood over the gravestones, quickly sitting by them as it seemed wrong to be looming so high over them. Especially with my ridiculously tall, lanky body.

I sat there, tracing over the engravings with my finger as I let a tear slip over my cheek. Dad-Phil often mentioned universes and fate; I wonder if in an alternate universe they were still alive and raising me? I hope, even if it's not my conscious self, another version of me got to know Dadda past those two years of my life, to truly know him for the wonderful man I was told he was.

'They're interesting, aren't they?' a voice asked from behind me. My body tensed up.

'What do you mean _interesting_?' I snarled, still looking at the engravings, not moving my body an inch.

'Well, they're a bit random. You'd have thought the people who buried them would have put them somewhere prettier.'

'This is where they wanted to be buried, so fuck you with your opinions.' I snapped, turning my head round for the first time. I halted, mouth visibly parting as my eyes widened, staring at the boy in front of me. His dark bushy hair sat awkwardly on his head, falling over his eyes. He held his weight on one foot, lifting the other slightly off the ground, tipped into his toes. His face was in pure shock, still holding the smile from his previous expression. I sniffled, brushing my sleeve against my nose.

'Oh shit, I'm sorry-' he began, desperation riding his voice.

'No, I didn't-' I hurried, not wanting to think he hurt me, 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. Just being protective, you know?' I smiled, shrugging as I turned back to face the stones. I felt him approach me, my throat burning and skin prickling as he closed the space. Prickling sounds horrible, but it was like pins and needles everywhere suddenly at the same time.

'Brothers?' he asked, sitting a few feet away from me. I noticed the way he sat with his legs parted, one knee raised as he propped his elbow on the same spot. I choked, spitting any contents from my mouth out in a laugh.

'Oh god no, they're my dads.'

'Oh.' he stated, 'Ohhh!' he gasped, pulling a face towards me.

'What, got something against that?' I snapped again.

'Shit, no- stop jumping to conclusions. I just imagined a weird incest moment.' I scrunched my eyebrows, also realising what he was getting at.

'Ew, no!' we chuckled.

'Sorry, probably shouldn't be disrespecting them on their graves.'

'They'd be proud, trust me.' I playfully scoffed. He shuffled closer to me to get a better look at the graves.

'When did they pass?' he carefully asked.

'Fuck, oh- Dadda, Dan, passed when I was two. Dad-Phil passed when I was nine.'

'Shit. Mind me asking?'

'Not at all. They struggled. Dadda got shot by Dad-Phil, Dad-Phil committed suicide.' my voice cracked at the end, a tear running down my face, quickly swiped away by tears.

'That's hard,' he spoke solemnly, 'Nothing's simple these days, is it?' I shook my head, fearful of breaking down into tears if I spoke, 'Hey, it's okay to let you guard down. I'm human too.' I went to speak back, the lump in my throat erupting into watery eyes. Before I knew it, I was full on sobbing, something I'd not yet done for their deaths. I was finally letting myself mourn. The boy shuffled closer, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I instantly relaxed, smiling into the gesture.

'Sorry...' I mumbled.

'Not at all, you needed it.' he softly replied. I nodded, feeling his warmth against me, 'Why do you call him Dad-Phil?'

I chuckled, 'I called him Daddy because that's what I was taught by Dadda. Turns out I might have copied some weird kink they had going on. In short, I discovered the internet when I was thirteen and haven't been able to call him that since.' I turned to the freckled-faced boy, seeing him glow a warm red.

'Makes-' he began, face dropping suddenly.

'What is it?' I asked.

'Dan and Phil?'

'I nodded.'

'Weren't they those guys on the internet?' I hid my smile of pride behind my hand, nodding as I blushed.

'Yeah, you know them?' my voice had a higher pitch to it, hiding my inner implosion.

'Heard of them, yeah. I've watched a few of their stuff.' he sighed, face changing to shock, 'They _were together_?'

'Yup. My dads.' I chuckled. He smiled back. I bit my lip, turning to face my lap.

'What's your name?' he asked after a while.

'Ev.'

'Ev? Is that short for something?'

'Uh...yeah I think so actually. Never heard anyone say it to me but I'm actually registered as Evan. You?' he squinted, turning to me as if to be checking he really has to answer, 'You can always lie.'

'Dab- you can laugh.' I didn't laugh, just smiled.

'I like it.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah. Being normal leads to sadness.'

'Good.'

'Good.' we sat in silence for a while again, watching the world. I noticed a break in the train track, my mind already thinking about how I could fix it. I'd taken it as a hobby, fixing trains. Always been obsessed with them, never known why-

'Why do they have stars on their stones?'

'Not sure. Probably an inside thing knowing those soppy bastards.' tears started to well at my eyes again, remembering their presence on Earth.

'How old are you?'

'Fifteen.'

'Seventeen.' he responded to my non-existent question. I raised an eyebrow.

'You don't look it.' I chuckled, 'More like twelve, you paedophile.' I smirked.

'Fuck off!'

'Hey, not in front of my dads!'

'Says you potty-mouth!' we smiled, looking at each other.

We sat in comfortable silence again, watching the clouds float over us.

'You alone then?' he asked.

'Nah, Chris and Peej look after me.'

'The other internet weirdos?'

'Yup.' we stared at each other, smiling again, 'You?'

'Yeah. Alone. Don't know how my parents died, probably down each others throats.'

'Literally or-?'

'God, you're just as impurely minded as your dads. My parents hated each other. Probably knifed the other in a fight.'

'You don't seem as if you miss them?'

'Life's been better without.'

'Oh.' I felt my connector sound in my pocket.

_PEjiE - Where are you, you alright?_

_Yeah, just talking to someone._

_PEjiE - Invite his ass round here._

_Who said he was a he??_

_Your gay hormonal ass._

_Fuck off. Who said I was gay?_

_You're literally Dan in a different suit._

_Touché_ _. Back soon._

'Want to come back to mine?' I asked overly enthusiastically for my preference.

'Sure. Don't murder me, please.'

We stood up, but his eyes darted to some soil.

'May I?' he asked, pointing to a raised patch of dirt. I shrugged, not really understanding what he was asking until he started digging up a tiny patch of earth. He pulled out a small red box, passing it to me. It had my name scratched on top. I gulped, lifting the lid to see a pile of letters stacked together. I rubbed my eyes clear of water, closing the box, 'Do you want to read them?'

'Not today.'


	63. *Signing off

**Ev**

Dab held me in his arms, my body tucked up against his as I held the box. Two years ago this was found and I'd still not been able to look further than opening the lid. Now, with my own little girl in Dab's arms that we'd adopted after finding her by the Manchester wheel, I took the letters out and held them in a pair of hands for the first time since Dad-Phil placed them in there. I sighed, feeling Dab stroke my shoulder. I mumbled the words out loud, reading them to my boyfriend, my daughter, existence and back to my dads. I instantly recognised the scruffy handwriting, beginning to read the one addressed to Dan first:  
  


Dan, my husband and my best friend,

I remember walking to the station that day, being pulled there by my own thoughts of the suicide I'd once attempted there. But maybe it wasn't my thoughts that pulled me there, in fact I hardly believe it was anymore. I think it was fate. I've always been a big believer in fate. It was our destiny to find each other. At what point did we go off track and steer our lives in a different direction that was written by the stars? Or was this always our story, written down by the author out there as a sick game for them? Despite this, I'm thankful for the years we had together, whether or not you also were. You're not here for you to lie to me anymore.

You were so lost, so full of hatred for yourself as you sat on those train tracks, relishing in your own approaching death. I don't regret saving you from yourself. But, I do because I put you through years more of suffering, only to put your own end in my hands.

I was married when I realised I loved you. Well, by love I meant I wanted to fuck you against a wall, to be exact. But, the dark hair that fell over your face, the scars that marked you and your brown eyes; I'd fallen for you even if the first words you uttered to me were 'I hate you'. I think you called me every name possible from idiot to cunt to paedophile within the first five minutes I knew you.

You also told me death was relief and happiness from the rest of the world. I still don't know whether to believe that or not. The world had always hurt you Dan, and I just finished its job, didn't I? I'm sorry. I've been sorry for the past six and a half years and I'll say it to the day I die. You were angry at me for having a kid at the time, look who came running back. I knew you didn't mean it the second you held Ev, the smile that spread across your face. I'd have been happy by that point if you took off and left me with him. You always loved the kid.

I took you straight back to my box as soon as I met you. Pretty forward of me, if I do say so myself. I was a flirty fuck when I met you, but I guess it worked, didn't it? I think most of my behaviour and actions was out of an attempt of hiding how I really felt towards the world: tired and pissed off. Our first similarity was hating the world together, how romantic. I was broken, you were broken; it was just the universe.

I remember watching your body stiffen as I entered your room topless one night. It was that moment I decided you were gay, whether you agreed with me or not. Even if you weren't, I'd hold on to the hope you could be gay for me. I think I even told you that, with a slap to my ass as I left your room.

I'm grateful you hurt yourself. Not because you were in pain, but because you falling over with a giant box in your arms gave me the perfect chance to kiss you. And it was beautiful, just like you. We'd known each other for a day, already making out in lock-down as the world collapsed even more around us. I truly do believe fate brought me to the station you were sat at, not only to save your life, but to keep you by my side for the rest of our days together. But, those days were shorter than planned.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I'm sorry to the fucking world, my fucking family. You that I held at gunpoint for fuck's sake. I'm fucking sorry Dan that I found you. I'm sorry that you tried to help me at the point I wasn't even myself anymore. I'm sorry to myself that you found me. I'm sorry you didn't jump in time. I'm sorry Dan that the world had taken you into its crappy existence. Someone as wonderful and beautiful as you shouldn't have had to breathe in this world. This planet didn't deserve you. This fucking planet didn't deserve your fucking eyes that made me forget fucking existentialism and fucking conscience and instead focused me on fucking you instead. I'm sorry Dan that you fucking existed, because if it was fate for me to find you, I doubt I would have shot you.

I still wear the metal shard that you wore around you neck until you died. It's like I still have your heart with me, even if it is buried underneath the ground a mile away. It's very sharp, actually. I'm not surprised you managed to cut open your hand when you carved it originally. It might even be able to kill someone.

My life only began when I met you. I remember thinking that nine years ago and I still think it to this day. It's as if I'd written a story, only beginning it from the part where I met you. I'm sorry I ended your story too soon.

I remember the first time I tried to have you, but it ended up as a tease when Ev demanded attention. I'm thankful though, it made me want you more. Ev was fully asleep the second time, I made sure of it. In all honesty, I'd have ignored him if he whimpered again. I remember holding you against the bed, loving every inch of you. You were the most beautiful thing I'd ever got to touch.

That first time you realised I switched. We had to leave the house suddenly because of the submil, when one chased after us and I shot him down without a thought. You waited for me to come back to myself as we leant against a wall, reassuring me you were alright. You should have left me there and then. I'm sorry.

I stopped you at the Manchester wheel. I could make it out like I wanted to show you the world or something, but I actually just wanted to go on the thing with you. It was a nice view, what could I say?

When I first badly switched, you were there for me. And the next, the next, the next. All the way until the end. Your end. My end.

You killed the creature that was attacking me. You could've left me to be mauled to death. But you didn't, so thank you. We didn't get long enough together, let alone if I died then.

Travelling to our new camp was challenging at various points, but that's okay. Once we made it, we made our first broadcast together. I know you kept the notes from that, I saw them scribbled down on a piece of paper in a red box. I didn't want to say anything though because I found it cute and didn't want to disturb your little intimate moment with the past. Who knew a few questions would lead us to where we got? Well, partly. I doubt a few questions had effect on your demise.

When you went missing; kidnapped, I felt like I was nothing. But the irony of that is nothing is still something, despite there being no physical form. I felt like less than nothing. I was nothing without you then, so I am no thing without you for seven years.

There isn't darkness where the sun doesn't set. But what happens if the sun does set? What happens if it set seven years ago? What then?

As soon as you agreed to come to the fireworks, I had the idea to propose. I wanted you in my life until the day I died. I'm sorry that couldn't be the case.

That fall, the one that knocked me out and damaged my ankle, was the start of it all. The start of our world collapsing around us as we continued to laugh through it; turning a blind eye and pretended nothing ever happened between us. But it did Dan. You couldn't hide the fact that we were in a manipulative, abusive relationship. Neither of us meant it to be, but it was.

If you got up and left with Ev, would you have coped? I wouldn't. My outcome would be the same in the end. Would you have found out and also not coped, or would you have moved on. Was it always fate for us to die together? Because we had shitty lives if our stars were written out like that.

We always made promises together on the stars, but were we just promising our demises? Why were we promising things on our fates if we didn't know what they were?

And now we're here, Dan. Apart from each other for seven years. I can't wait to see you soon.

I love you and I always will. I promise on the stars.  
  
  
  


Ev,

No matter where you are, when the paintwork is crumbling, dead bodies scatter the city, the structures are creaking and the buildings are rubble, the sun still sets and the sun still rises. A day is a day, it's what you do in that day that matters.

If I could be anything apart from a person, I'd be a star. You live for millions of years, just observing. You watch the world go by, different people arrive, different people leave. The same people, but different people. The people that enter the world aren't the same as when they leave. A baby is innocent, clueless and judged by nothing. An elderly person has the weight of the world on their shoulders, guilt, hatred and pain, but if they've lived the right way, calmness and love. If they've lived correctly, they would have observed the negatives, but lived in the positives. I say observe the negatives because if you completely ignore them, you disregard yourself; you can't become a better person if you don't look at the faults, that's a psychopath. You gain some sort of knowledge every second, so say you live for eighty years, that's sixty seconds, times by sixty minutes, times by twenty-four hours, times by three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, times by eighty years, which is two point five billion times the amount of knowledge an eighty year old has compared to a new-born. That's if they didn't waste any time in their life, or weren't restricted by any conditions to not constantly gain knowledge. It's not a lifetime because a life is the time in a life, not the time _of_ a life. It's not a measurement of time, but a measurement of moments. 

I have no words to say, no inside jokes or sarcastic remarks, no chuckles into nothing or unintended innuendos to make you laugh through life anymore. It was just the three of you: Ev, Chris and PJ. But for now, it's just the memory of us that matters. Two dorky dads who would've gone to the lengths of the universe to protect you, right until our ends.

I hope you knew that; I would've go to the ends of the universes to protect you. That's even if there are ends to the universes, if not, it only gives a more accurate representation of my soul's protection over you. I hope you knew that, despite every misfortune that may come your way and the risks that inevitably lie in your future, you will always pass through life's troubles. I hope you know that, whatever shit you go through, put yourself through or feel, I would take it onto myself wherever I am now, in whatever form I am in as my own trouble, if it meant that you are happy and enjoying this crappy world to as much extent as humanly impossible. Dan felt so strongly towards you, even if he isn't bound to you with similarities in DNA and if he knew you little past your toddler-hood. Dan felt just the same as I did towards you as my child, despite not having a biological connection. He wanted to protect you as if you were part of him. You were part of him, and I don't doubt you aren't still.

Don't rise and fall, only fall and rise, because you can fall. You can hit the bottom and suffer from the wounds of collapsing so violently. But there's a positive side to hitting the depths of hell itself: you can only rise. Only rise like the stars.

Everyone is unique in a flip and you have to trust them. If they tell you that to get them to return, they just need a hug. Trust them. If they tell you to lock them in a room or tie them to a chair. Trust them. If they tell you to rapid-fire every memory you can think of, no matter how traumatising. Trust them. If they tell you to stroke their hair and comfort them, reminding them they're okay. Trust them. 

If they tell you to shoot them in order to protect the ones they love most. 

Trust them.

Because if you don't trust them and they've gone to an extreme in their flip, there's no telling what they'll do. No matter who you know them as, they are not that person when they have switched. You have to be strong to remember that. And most importantly, you have to _want_ to remember that.

Dan didn't want to remember that.

Now he's dead, but he should've listened.

It's shit after shit after shit in this world. It's as if the entire thing is built to bring us down, destroy us and leave us as a decomposing corpse somewhere on the Earth's surface. Ev, we love you and would give you every star that ever existed it that was physically possible, but frankly, it's not. That's not okay. You don't understand the lengths we'd go to pull you out of your own mess, we know you don't. You somewhat understand, but you can never fully understand. Trust us on that.

Some worries and issues you have won't suddenly dissolve, Ev. Not because the sun stopped shining, but because some problems are too great to be pushed away without a resolution, so much so even the brightest star can't drain its darkness out. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to lighten it for a moment, even if you only brighten an inch of the worry's surface. Because sometimes, that _only_ can seem like a universe in comparison. So keep pushing through and make it to the end. Make it to the end for me and Dadda.

Keep going Ev and take that for whatever you need it to be. I don't like how I won't see you through your years like I planned to when you were born, but I wasn't able to do so without Dan by my side. Promise me you'll find someone who meant as much as Dan did to me, because that person will give you a true sense of existence. But keep breathing through it all and promise me you'll make it to your natural end because as much as your dadda and I will miss you, we don't wish your life away. But, when the time is right Ev, we will meet you in the home of the stars.  
  
  
  


I sighed, a small smile spread across my face through the streams of tears. I was huddled in the embrace of my boyfriend, holding the letters between my fingers. There seemed like so much to say, but not enough words to say everything I wanted to to my dads. So I decided on the one thing which would mean most to them.

'You were always my stars, even to the end. Thank you.'


	64. An Alternate Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N) Please read :)
> 
> That's the end.
> 
> I can only say for this sake that I hoped you enjoyed it and don't want to murder me. It took weeks to write and I hope you liked it as much as I did.
> 
> If any of you were questioning the ending, it was actually the first thing I planned to write for the story and created the rest from that.
> 
> There is still one more chapter to be released!
> 
> It's not a continuation of the story, but it's a short on what would have happened if Phil hadn't gone hunting when his home was taken. I think I just want to fuck with your minds more :)
> 
> For the last thing, I want to make a huge claim on that the characters of Dan and Phil in this story towards the end were in an unhealthy relationship. Phil had subconsciously become manipulative in his behaviour. If you ever feel stuck in a similar position you should talk to someone because even if you feel like fucking soulmates, it won't be doing anything for your mental health.
> 
> I don't want any of you to die in a dramatic murderous-spouse suicide ending.
> 
> Please say safe and enjoy the next chapter. Continue to burn like stars.

**2006**

**Phil**

I stood up from the chair in our front room in our house in Rossendale, deciding what to do. I peered out of the window, glancing at the gloomy clouds which threatened to rain. I pierced my lips, sighing to myself.

I could go out to hunt, but we have enough food and if it starts to rain, I'm in trouble. I wanted to in order to help the family, but decided it best to stay and help my mum. If worst happened, It'd start raining, which would contain nuclear chemicals and start to damage my skin, and I'd return home with no catch. I could always hunt another day.

I smiled, pottering over to where my mum had begun tending her flowers for the day. They were beautiful, glowing with blue petals. I'd never seen such colourful flowers, a few of our neighbours envied her ability to grow such things on the shitty soils we have after the blasts.

'Hey Phil!' she smiled, passing me a gardening tool of some sort. I frowned, waving it in front of my body.

'What does this do?' I questioned, receiving a light-hearted chuckle from her.

'Flatten down the ground around the flowers, I just watered them.' I nodded, internally sighing as I crouched down.

There was a sudden flurry of footsteps, loud booming voices encapsulating our building. I stared wide-eyed at my mum, fear engulfing the both of us. I dropped the tool, standing to my feet and pulling out my knife from my belt, standing on guard in anticipation for the figures of the voices to make their arrival.

Seconds later, a group of people in uniform invaded our house, not giving us time to think as they shouted orders to each other and marched inside my home. There was a command given to guard us, my brother and father being dragged out of the front door to where my mother and I were. I furrowed my eyebrows, glaring at the people whom I'd suspected were the submil in their puke-green button-ups and coal trousers.

'Boys, run.' my mum whispered to my brother and I. I glared at her, frowning on her for even considering that an option.

'Mum, no! I'm not leaving you.' I snapped, suddenly turning to someone standing outside our door.

'Stop whispering otherwise he'll shoot you dead.' the man snapped, referring to a kid who I'd not bothered to glance over yet. The man had a band on his arm, stirring recognition in my mind that this meant he was a higher rank, possibly controlling the mission.

'What the fuck are you even doing?'

'RECLAIMING THE BUILDING NOW SHUT UP!' I obeyed his commands with a reluctance, facing forwards to see the boy we'd been put under hostage. His eyes met mine, face reddening as he looked at the soils. His gun in his hands aiming towards the group of us in general, not seeming particularly threatening in the stance he stood in.

He looked up again, a smile hidden on his lips as he did so. I found myself gulping, my eyes making their way over his thin, built figure. His neck and collar exposed by the top two buttons of his shirt undone in a rebelling manner, found my glance at his tanned skin. His brown hair clumsily positioned against his head, a fringe falling over his eyes. Those in themselves were radiating a pool of multiple browns.

I shook my stare away, noticing the way he was cowering under it. I pulled my arms around my torso, looking towards my side where I met a stern glare from my mum. She had her eyebrows raised as if to tell me off, but the hidden smirk on her face spoke otherwise.

I turned back to the boy, eyes catching his again as we found ourselves locked in a stare. I felt my face heat and noticed the blush appearing against his skin as well. I watched the way he pierced his lips, sighing as he took out a knife from his belt. I felt the presence of my dad tense next to me, but I remained calm seeing foreign intentions from this boy.

He gulped, glaring over at the man with the band and back and me. I smiled, a pleading look forming on my face. He walked over, remaining eye contact as if to confirm to me to ignore his words as he viciously spoke to us.

'MOVE AGAIN AND I'LL SHOOT!' he echoed, his voice sending shivers across my body. I look down to avoid my blush, but his hushed voice brought my attention back up, 'Okay listen, I'll throw the knife and then you guys run as fast and far away from here as possible-'

'We have a shelter off to the side of the house, come with us.' my mum whispered, keeping her face looking outwards. He smiled, nodding as he paced back to his original spot, yet slightly closer to the man than before. I spotted his fingers in a countdown from three, putting my family in stance to rush off. He threw the knife, landing in the neck of the man as he spat out blood. I diverted my eyes from the horrific demise, darting after my family.

The boy met my pace at my side, us running a foot behind from my parents and brother. My mum opened the latch, shoving us all inside and closing it after her. We all panted as we took a seat on the various wooden chairs placed in the shelter.

We all sat in silence, not really knowing where to begin as we shared glances between us.

'Why didn't you shoot?' my dad questioned the boy. He shrugged.

'It didn't feel human.'

'Probably a good thing.' my dad pierced his lips together as he smiled, nodding his head away from the conversation.

'What's your name?' I asked. The two of us sat down next to each other on our arrival in the bunker, both shuffling the seats together in a gesture which hid it from the rest of my family but seeming we both did the same thing, put an obvious closed gap between us. I almost whispered the question, a smirk forming on my face as I asked it, but thankfully for the closeness of us, hidden from my family. He gulped, wiping his hands against his trousers as he crossed his legs over into a position that mustn't have been comfortable.

'Dan. You?'

'Phil.' I spoke, seeing him smile and take interest in the floor.

'Do you know how long it'll take for them to move on?' my mum asked Dan.

'Five minutes, they won't care that we're gone, only for the fact to raid your home for anything worth use to them.' he responded immediately. My mum sighed, shuffling her position in the chair.

We sat in silence, listening as the footsteps over our heads slowly faded into the distance. My mum raised her eyebrows at Dan, confirming it was safe. He shrugged with a nod of his head. My mum nodded back, opening the latch and peering out.

'It looks clear.'

'They wouldn't just hang around, once they've gone, they've gone.' Dan confirmed. My family ushered themselves out of the shelter, Dan and I the last to leave. I leant over, whispering to him.

'Guess you're going to need a place to stay?' I smirked, feeling Dan blush beside me. He stuttered in a cough, struggling to get his words to breach his lips.

'G-guess so...' he responded. I was out of the shelter, turning back round to offer Dan my hand. He pierced his lips to poorly cover the smile that began across his cheeks. It was obvious there was no help needed, yet he still took it and allowed my guidance into the night.

'You'll also need a change of clothes.' I muttered behind him, watching the way he continued to tense up and his face flushed pink. I was expecting another passive answer, but preferred the words that left his lips.

'Guess you'll just have to watch.' he turned round, smirking as he raised his eyebrows. I returned the expression, opening the door to our house for him.

'Thank you.' I whispered, referring to his gesture of not actually killing us.

'Mm, blaming it on you pretty boy.'

_(This story was originally published on Wattpad.)_


End file.
